A Look Into Decision…
Defend. A word not often thought of without its consequence. Maybe that was his fault; his thoughts always pertaining to the ends of direction. No matter the care or doctoring; the mind of the man was drawn. Past memories conflict the now prevalent fork in his way. He stirs a bit more in his bed. Sweat. Should he have cared about its taste? The whiskey. During his youth it was inevitable to not have a glass or two, but now it was different. The taste was foreign and bitter like swallowing your dreams. Perhaps he should have. Sweat. The beads of moisture collected along his entire statue. Defend. He awoke from his torment only to face a harsher reality. His boyfriend. Irony spoke in streams as a grunt caressed the butterfly. The boyfriend was curled up; sound and delivered. The man’s eyes were wet and hazed, but to deny his soul of that look would be to deny him necessity. He sat up still gazing upon his own piece of innocence. His fingers slowly enter-twined with the dark hair of his only one. Sweat. A smile came across the dreamer and it startled the man. Was he awake? Not baring to notice, the man arose to his feet. He stumbles. Black trousers slip onto his legs as a strobe from the TV. echoes on the walls of their bedroom.
The man was built indeed, but behind the weakness he was little by far. Slowly his eyes were gaining focus and their green tent held. As he approached the mirror, he ran his hand along the side of his pants. The right side. Checking for that chance at redemption. Standing straight it was noticeable his pocket was smuggling something. Defend. As he stared into the mirror, so did his fear. The measure of strength? His bare torso was shivering. No less.
The man turned from the mirror and with a steady hand to support he made it to the door frame. His shadow was engulfing his boyfriend. A shadow formed, but how? The man’s hand slid down the door frame as he turned away. It revealed his wrist and the time. Nine o’clock. Night. Sweat. Defend.
Dreaming was stirred as the boyfriend rolled over desiring comfort. His other half no longer there, he was surely awakened now. He got up steady and confused. A stir from outside brings him to the window.
The man slowly walks down the front door steps. Hand grasped to his pocket.
The boyfriend noticing the men in the driveway. Their threat.
He places his hand to the window.
The man removing his hand from his pocket…
Empty.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
First off, thanks so much for taking the time to critique my work. Merci!
Yet I would really like to declare that the story was written very quickly at around four in the morning lolz. I just woke up and had a thought to write when I woke.
That's usually the best time, so as much as it is a story; it was mainly to share what I was forming in my head.
I assume it was a bit difficult to understand for those reasons so I pardon.
-Scherezade
Hello there, and welcome to YWS! I am Esther, and I will be reviewing you today. I saw you on the welcome board so I decided to check you work out. I am judging that this is a short story. If it isn't, then move it to the novel section. I will be dividing this review into different sections. Nitpicks, story and flow, characters, and overall. Lets go!
STORY AND FLOW:
Now, I wish to pardon myself. I do not mean to sound harsh, only I am willing to give you some solid advice. In your mind, you may have a perfect idea of what's going on, but the readers have no idea at all. In your efforts to make poetic and memorable prose, you lose the readers with unneeded complications and an undefined plot line. It is okay to have a vague story with no particular outcome. However, when the reader has no idea what is truly going on, the story ceases to be enjoyable. Give the readers a more defined idea of whats going on. Where is the conflict? What is the relationship between the two characters? Let us grow attached to this story and keep it that way.
This IS well written though, I want you to know that. Some of your descriptions are lovely and it all has a mysterious air about it.
NITPICKS:
Okay, this is grammatically correct. Good job! It's rarer than you think to write grammatically correct pieces. At the beginning, you use the semicolon a lot. The semicolon can add a more complicated and professional look to a piece. Just don't use it too often. It grates against the reader's ear.
I believe you meant well built here. Maybe you should word this better so we get a better idea of what you mean. Perhaps something along the lines of, "The man was well built, but despite that he felt small and weak inside." Not to say that's exactly how to say it. It is your story and I like your style.
CHARACTERS:
The art of the short story is to develop characters in a short amount of time before the conclusion. Of course, you can't explain everything, but the reader wants to know what kind of person the story is about. The characters are the blood of the story, much like the plot which keeps the characters flowing. You don't quite succeed in this part, I really don't care for any of them. I must say though, I felt sorry for the "boyfriend", at the end, so good job with that.
OVERALL:
Seriously, good work. I loved this. Give the reader a better idea of what is going on. Give us a short view on what the characters are like, so we know how the truly feel. Make SOME of the poetic prose less poetic so the story is more coherent. Don't get rid of all of it though. I really liked some bits! Overall, good work. Welcome to YWS.