Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Literature


128 days

by ScatteredMind


Will you shut up? Please let me rest.
Content, distractions,
work, creations,
consuming, writing,
literally anything 
to keep me from thinking 
of you. 

The blade in my chest 
found it dull recently.
More than twice hourly,
my lungs are collapsing 
and my heart keeps pounding 
at the slightest thought or recalling 
of you. 

Trying to keep the emotions suppressed 
as I picture you in some other arms.
I know that it's nothing but harm
and I want to be freed, 
but I relapse and rummage through my feed, 
attempting to nourish my need
for you. 

Will you please just stop sitting there obsessed 
about photos and memories 
and what-ifs and maybes?
Being ripped into shreds,
dangling by a thread,
screaming at night in my bed 
for...
who?

To be perfectly honest, 
it's getting hard to remember 
your voice and your hair, 
which was amber, or umber. 
And it's killing my brain 
beyond standard repair, 
beyond coherent thoughts,
I was hardly sane,
but now it's a lot
to process at once
everything that went wrong. 

But it's been so long. 
And it'll be months, maybe more, but someday 
time will suture what reason could not.
I've abandoned the rhyme
because few things quite last, 
but that's okay. 
Sometimes they last just long enough.
So now I'll try to make sense of a world without you. 
For me. 

Edit: couple of spelling mistakes, thanks to the reviewers for pointing them out :)


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 57
Reviews: 6

Donate
Fri Oct 16, 2020 12:28 am
yumkit says...



i like the feeling of helpless frustration about being torn between missing someone and letting them go at the same time so much!
the only place that i think the grammer was wrong is in the fifth paragraph, the last lines that says "to process at once / everything that wrong". i think you might've forgotten a word there, or something of the sort. (as shawdowqueen already pointed out, i just noticed, sorry)
but apart from that, i have so many lines i like, especially when you talked about slowly forgetting the intricate details of the other, it hit me in the feels.
"And it'll be months, maybe more, but someday / time will suture what reason could not" and "So now I'll try to make sense of a world without you / For me" are two of my favourite passages. i like how, at the end, 'me' comes before 'you'.
anyway, i hope you work through this soon!




User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 57
Reviews: 6

Donate
Fri Oct 16, 2020 12:28 am
yumkit says...



i like the feeling of helpless frustration about being torn between missing someone and letting them go at the same time so much!
the only place that i think the grammer was wrong is in the fifth paragraph, the last lines that says "to process at once / everything that wrong". i think you might've forgotten a word there, or something of the sort. (as shawdowqueen already pointed out, i just noticed, sorry)
but apart from that, i have so many lines i like, especially when you talked about slowly forgetting the intricate details of the other, it hit me in the feels.
"And it'll be months, maybe more, but someday / time will suture what reason could not" and "So now I'll try to make sense of a world without you / For me" are two of my favourite passages. i like how, at the end, 'me' comes before 'you'.
anyway, i hope you work through this soon!




User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 57
Reviews: 6

Donate
Fri Oct 16, 2020 12:28 am
View Likes
yumkit wrote a review...



i like the feeling of helpless frustration about being torn between missing someone and letting them go at the same time so much!
the only place that i think the grammer was wrong is in the fifth paragraph, the last lines that says "to process at once / everything that wrong". i think you might've forgotten a word there, or something of the sort. (as shawdowqueen already pointed out, i just noticed, sorry)
but apart from that, i have so many lines i like, especially when you talked about slowly forgetting the intricate details of the other, it hit me in the feels.
"And it'll be months, maybe more, but someday / time will suture what reason could not" and "So now I'll try to make sense of a world without you / For me" are two of my favourite passages. i like how, at the end, 'me' comes before 'you'.
anyway, i hope you work through this soon!




User avatar
38 Reviews


Points: 4512
Reviews: 38

Donate
Thu Oct 15, 2020 9:48 pm
View Likes
ShadowQueen wrote a review...



Hey! I was in the mood to read and a review poem, and I thought I'd choose this one. I'll go one stanza at a time.

Will you shut up? Please let me rest.
Content, distractions,
work, creations,
consuming, writing,
literally anything
to keep me from thinking
of you.


The very first line properly describes the anguish we feel in the poem's story. The extensive list of distractions that follows also conveys some desperation, from being willing to try anything to get rid of memories with someone.

The blade in my chest
found it dull recently.
More than twice hourly,
My lungs are collapsing
and my heart keeps pounding
at the slightest thought or recalling
of you.


I think the imagery in the second stanza is pretty interesting, and well chosen. However, since you added a capital letter in the middle of a sentence, I would suggest changing that to More than twice hourly,/my lungs are collapsing/and my heart keeps pounding/at the slightest thought or recalling/of you.

Trying to keep the emotions suppressed
as I picture you in some other arms.
I know that it's nothing but harm
and I want to be freed,
but I relapse and rummage through my feed,
attempting to nourish my need
for you.


The first sentence adds jealousy to the mix of emotions, which is a new feeling mentioned in here. It's also the third time you've ended a stanza with "you", which has a special effect, and may or may not have been planned.

Will you please just stop sitting there obsessed
about photos and memories
and what-ifs and maybes?
Being ripped into shreds,
dangling by a thread,
screaming at night in my bed
for...
who?


This is really powerful imagery of pain here. The second question is almost mysterious, with the uncertainty of "Who?".

To be perfectly honest,
it's getting hard to remember
your voice and your hair,
which was amber, or umber.
And it's killing my brain
beyond standard repair,
beyond coherent thoughts,
I was hardly sane,
but now it's a lot
to process at once
everything that wrong.


It sounds like they're finally starting to forget here, but there's a suggestion of them going just a little crazy. I think you meant "everything that's wrong" for the very last line, right?

But it's been so long.
And it'll be months, maybe more, but someday
time will suture what reason could not.
I've abandoned the rhyme
because few things quite last,
but that's okay.
Sometimes they last just long enough.
So now I'll try to make sense of a world without you.
For me.


This stanza is a lot calmer and accepting than the others, which makes for a different ending. I find it interesting how you actually said "I've abandoned the rhyme" in this one, because all the other stanzas have a loose rhyming scheme. I also like how the last one ends with "for me", unlike the first three stanzas. It's a good way to show the beginning of moving on.

This was a mature, thoughtful poem. Keep up the good work!

- Shadow





But even the worst decisions we make don't necessarily remove us from the circle of humanity.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore