Inspired by Bad Moon Rising, an Everybody Loves Raymond episode.
“Would you stop!”
Amber glared at Derrick as he ate his peanut butter and banana sandwich. He stopped mid-chew, surprised at the volume of her voice. The lunchroom chatter seemed to drop several decibels and a gaggle of kids stopped what they were doing to look over at the table in which Derrick and Amber were seated.
He didn't know what she was talking about. He was simply eating a sandwich. Derrick had been dating Amber for about one month now and she'd never said one cross word to him. In fact, she was probably one of the sweetest girls he'd ever dated in all of his seventeen years.
“You want me to stop eating?” he asked through a mouth full of sandwich. “I mean it's lunch time. You eat at lunch time.”
Joshua, Derrick's best friend, snickered next to him, unintentionally making Amber even angrier.
Amber narrowed her eyes at Joshua. “You would find it funny.”
Derrick was still lost. He swallowed the rest of his sandwich before speaking up, “What exactly do you think Joshua would find funny?” he asked, using Amber's own words.
“The fact that you eat like a wild boar,” she snapped, quickly pushing away from the table. Derrick stared after her, jaw slack, as stomped out of the cafeteria. Amber's high ponytail swung erratically behind her as if it were more furious than Amber herself.
Derrick turned to Joshua, wondering if he knew what had just happened. Joshua's eyes were wide. “Whoa, dude. Your girlfriend has got major PMS.”
Marilynn kicked him under the table. “Dude,” Joshua exclaimed. “What was that for?”
“For being a nimrod,” Marilynn replied, kicking him again for good measure.
Derrick barely heard them, he was already out of his seat, heading out of the cafeteria. Any normal, self-respecting man wouldn't ever, ever, ever go after a girl who could possibly be suffering from PMS. Derrick was no ordinary man, though. In fact, most of his friends affectionately called him “The Mutant”. This of course was due to the fact that Derrick could drink three liters of root beer in under a minute.
The hallway was completely empty, except for Amber who was angrily rearranging her locker, oblivious of Derrick's presence. Derrick watched from a safe distance as she put her biology book in her locker with a loud thud and then took it out. After repeating this process three or four more times, she threw the book to the yellow and white tiled floor and growled at it.
Derrick raised an eyebrow, entirely spooked. Mutant or not, Derrick was not fearless.
He called her out from a distance,”Amber?” His voice wavered slightly. The baby blue lockers seemed to close in on him. Man hath felt no scorn, until he's felt the fury of a menstruating woman or something like that. Derrick couldn't quite remember.
Amber instantly stopped growling, a deep scarlet tinting her cheeks. But the look of disgust hadn't left her face and her hazel eyes were still narrowed.
“What,” she said venomously.
Derrick ran a hand through his short black hair. What had he gotten himself into? He reminded himself that it wasn't too late to turn and run, but he quickly dismissed the thought. Derrick took a deep breath and slowly approached his girlfriend.
“Look,” he said as he took small, tentative steps. “What just happened in the lunch room? Not cool, Amber.”
“What? Did I make you look bad in front of the guys,” she asked caustically.
Derrick took larger steps, his temper rising as his stride quickened.
“No. Amber. That's not it. “ He stopped two feet in front of her. “If you have a problem, I would prefer that you discuss it with me, rather than throwing a tantrum in the middle of the cafeteria.” Derrick took a breath. “You can't hold everything in. I can't promise I'll change, but I'll listen.”
Amber suddenly burst into tears.
Derrick froze. Had he been too harsh? He opened his mouth, but couldn't say anything. There was something about crying girls that freaked him, along with half of the rest of the male population, out.
“I'm sorry,” Amber gasped. “I don't mean to cry it's just that I've been such a witch all this week”-a hiccup- “and now you're being so sweet.” She rubbed her eyes roughly and pulled a tissue out of her locker, blowing her nose loudly, then wrapped her arms around Derrick's waist. “Thanks,” she whispered.
Derrick smiled. “ Wanna go finish lunch?”
“Sure.”
As the walked back towards the cafeteria, holding hands, Amber looked up at Derrick and asked, “So I can talk to you about anything I don't like?”
“Um yeah,” Derrick replied, unsure.
“I don't like Joshua. He creeps me out,” she said timidly, pushing her black bangs out of her face. “Sometimes he stares at me...for long periods of time.”
Derrick just laughed. "Joshua thinks you're fashion goddess, his words. He wants to go into fashion..." Derrick trailed. "He'll wring my neck if he knew I told you."
Amber giggled. "W-o-w."
"Promise me you won't say anything."
Amber rolled her eyes. "I pinky swear."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,829 Reviews
D'awww. So sweet.
Won't nitpick, just point out my quick general impressions.
I liked the relationships between the characters and the making-up scene was really sweet. However, it felt a bit lacking. Like what led up to this? How was their relationship before this? It feels more like a scene from a larger story than a complete story itself.
Also, the end seemed a little funny. You bring in a new element in the conversation that seems like it's going to become something more... and it doesn't. Flesh it out or remove it? How long has that been bothering her? Does she really get over it that fast? Why would she not be supposed to reveal that she knew? Conflict between the two guys? Does it really mean anything at all?
All in all, I liked this, but I was left wanting more. It seemed like it was an unfinished thought, more of a excerpt than a whole story.
Yay for PB&J in high school!
~GryphonFledgling
It was hilarious!!!!!
I loved it!!
I liked this story.
It was funny.
Hey! Glad here. I'm not going to nitpick too much, 'cause it seems everyone else got to that, but I'll point out a few little spots for ya.
First off, overall impressions.
This flowed really well. I love how you portrayed and built upon Derrick's confusion. The comment thrown in about PMS was rather realistically amusing as well, haha! (I have totally known guys who would say something like that to my face. Let's just say I made one of them drop...to do 25 push-ups.) Of course, that means you made Amber's anger very realistic too, haha. Overall, this seems like a good beginning to a longer story. I'd call this less of a short story, though, and more of a oneshot or a scene...but that might just be my inner fanfic-er coming out.
What this would need to be more of a full-length short story, to me, would be some more depth in your supporting characters, some description of the place, a little more plot (why does Joshua creep Amber out? Is Joshua eyeing her, and does he have a bone to pick with Derrick over his girlfriend?), and (as I just mentioned), a more-concrete reason why Amber blew up and then broke down. It just seemed a little...I dunno--set-up, I guess is the right word? It read/played out in my head more like a staged play than a real-life scene, something I could relate to. The ending was a little anti-climatic, as well.
Nit-picks (mostly grammatical)
Snickered next to him? Wha? O.o lol I know what you were going for, but maybe leave that detail out. Or find a better way to get it in somewhere.
Either use a semicolon where indicated, or break it into two complete sentences.
Also, possibly italisize the "quoted" portion, as it's more of a thought...? I'm not explaining it well, haha. But for stylistic purposes, I would italisize it.
Meh. This was a biggie of mine when I read it. I know what you're trying to say, but the reading stumbled. Try using -- instead of commas there, or say "...that freaked out him and half the male population." Or something like that.
And, that's it. Any problems/issues/comments/concerns/questions/...you get the picture (:P)...PM me.
~Glad
This was funny, and cute. I liked it.
Skin already got I think most of the stuff I was looking at.
#FF0000 ">Incorrect things. I think.
Thats it. Overall it was awesome!
- Justis
Hi Scarlette!
This story was quite amusing, especially when PMS was mentioned! 
I have some friends that can relate to that in their relationships. I believe a little more detail could make this story even more entertaining. I really *Like* this!
Heya Scarlette
Here to review as requested! I love your username, by the way...
#FF0000 ">Red = Negatives/corrections
#0000FF ">Blue = Things I like
Bold = My comments/suggestions
Overall
What can I say? I really loved this! Your characters were very entertaining, especially Derrick and I loved the way you handled descriptions. The grammar was also pretty much perfect and there weren't any spelling mistakes. None that I could find, anyway. I also like the fact that you've used a very simple idea but it's still interesting.
On that note; the idea. I said I liked it considering how simple it was, but it was almost too simple. I'm not saying that you have to make a load of chicks in leather come and knock the cafeteria walls down or anything, that would be freaky. I'm just thinking that maybe you could add a bit more to it. I don't really know anything about the characters backgrounds and I always like to know a little bit about them. You said that Amber had been a witch all week. How had she been a witch? Maybe you could include some information about that. Just a suggestion!
As for the characters, they really were entertaining. My only critique about them is that Amber was a tad bit on the unrealistic side. It almost seemed as though she had bipolar disorder or something...
When it comes to nit-picks, I only really have one. I noticed that you use names an awful lot. I know what you're thinking now... of course I use names, it's a story. Duh, you weirdo. What I mean is that you don't really say him or her as often as you could. For example ~
The repetition of Derrick's name here sounded a bit awkward. 'He' is just fine! Although, changing names to hims and hers is more of a suggestion really. I'm just one of those fussy people who obsesses over these kind of things...
What I loved most about your story was Derrick's character. He was a classic guy, I loved it! I especially liked it when you included his thoughts about Amber having PMS and stuff like that. My favourite one was when he said something about girls crying make boys feel all awkward; It's so true! Every guy I've ever asked about how they feel around crying girls have said that they hate it. In fact, one told me how they felt like running away and screaming when they see a girl cry.
Another thing I liked was your use of descriptions. There weren't any giant clumps, thank God for that! Loads of writers fall into the trap of description and information dumps; Come to think of it, I used be terrible. I like how you've sprinkled the odd description here and there where they are necessary. I also liked your choice of adjectives when you were describing the way that people said things, they made me feel good inside.
Your grammar and spelling were also up to scratch, well done. I hate having to review something with bad grammar, it makes me want to rip out my insides! There was the odd sentence that was a bit long but nothing serious at all. I'm not very good when it commas to grammar though, so knowing me, I've probably missed something. You might want to ask someone else to focus on the grammar for you. I'm pretty sure though that you've done a very good job of it.
Pah... it feels like I've been no help! I can't really find much to critique about this. It's a good thing, I suppose. Well, it is for you anyway. Take into account what us reviewers have suggested, fix this up a tiny bit, and you will have a seriously, immensely good piece of writing here.
If you want another review, just ask me in my Will Review For Food thread. I'd be glad to read some more of your work.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Hello there, Scarlette!
Your story was quite kind of funny actually. Derrick and his friends thought that Amber got PMS.lol. Also, I liked your unique way of titling the story.
An exclamation statement to start. It could've been better though, if you placed a "?" before "!".
Um... Are you trying to make a hyperbolic declaration here? This can possibly happen but there was an exagerration here. Three liters of root beer under a minute? Shocking.
I liked the characters especially Derrick. He understands well Amber.Anyway, I liked the story and could've been better if this was longer enough to really tell us the relationship bet. Amber and Joshua.
Keep on writing!
Peace out!