*Edit: No longer in contest.
Felt grass, static smiles
Tailored suits in a trendy style
A sports car and a sense of pride
Because you've crossed to the other side
Where the grass is greener and the houses pristine
Where you have a step-ford wife named Christine
Where your life is a lie
But it it doesn't matter, as long as the sun is high in the sky
Wait! The sky is clear
But when did the sun disappear?
You're a self-made man, your own creator
What is the Sun really good for?
Your footstool is the weak of mind
You prey on the small and blind
You sweep the crumbs from under your table
And laugh in the face of the unable
You're so in love, but not with her
In love with the heady power
The power that comes when you hold a gun
The power that comes without the Sun
You've penned a tale that will make them jealous of you
Your fantasy is dark and empty, but they want it too
They want the good life
A life free of strife
They embrace the darkness
Find inspiration from the starkness
It doesn't matter what the cost
It doesn't matter what is lost
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Heya!
'Tis me again. Afraid...? Good.
Overall
Hopefully, this review won't drag on for as long as my last one did... sorry about that. I kind of got carried away again.
The only critique that I have for this is that it felt that, at times, the rhyming scheme felt a bit forced. Truthfully, I'm one of those weird people who prefer non-rhyming poems to rhyming poems. It's just that I feel that non-rhyming poems quite often don't have much raw emotion in them. Don't get me wrong, of course rhyming poems can be full of emotion and great content. It's just that, for some reason, I seem to prefer the atmosphere in non-rhyming ones. Baring that in mind, it might be why I'm a bit more picky about the rhyming scheme in this. What I'm basically trying to say is that you shouldn't feel as though you have to rhyme. You should only use rhyming words, in my opinion, if they come naturally to you and don't at all seem forced. There are plenty of great, and famous, poems that don't follow a rhyming scheme. What matters in a poem are not the rhymes, but the emotions, descriptions, wording, and things like that. If you can use rhyming naturally, that's great, but if you can't, try not to force it.
Other than that, I don't really have anything else to say. That's a good thing though, I guess. You don't have to read another ten paragraphs and it's a good sign that there isn't much to improve on in this. Like the short story, all that you need to do is edit this up a bit and you could end up with something even better than it already is.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
This was excellent- I loved the rhyme scheme and the theme. (see what I did there?
) Anywho- I thought that, while this was smooth, the rhythm was off. I would work on the flow a bit more (line length), but otherwise, I thought this was excellent. Very nicely done.
-Coral-
I really believe that this was absolutely dazzling, as strange as it may sound. I love the whole idea, the imagery, the metaphors, descriptions, emotions. It's all very amazing, and I beg that you never stop writing. You have a great talent.
I like your choice of words. You've got a steady rhythm but your stanzas tend do go out longer than they should. Try to match your stanzas more, it will look cleaner and read smoother. But you have a wonderful flow:)