Young Writers Society

Scar!

Okay, so I forgot that Checklist Challenges only count for 2 things, and I needed you for 3, so here I am but I chose a 2020 poem! That's better, right? Might actually be helpful?

sometimes i feel like drowning
in deep water, down in the dark
where the light doesn't reach
and sometimes i feel like discord
and sorrow, swallowed up by
the silence on snow
and splattered with crimson

sometimes i feel like i'm dying
in the middle of a desert, darkness
and starlight circling above like
vultures do rotten prey
and sometimes i feel like a shadow
from beyond the grave,
sinister and growling

but i'm just the secret
you keep in the basement
like all things dirty and broken

I love the darker themes and imagery in this poem. I like that you repeat the word "sometimes" to keep a constant structure in terms of storytelling, and I also like a few words in particular that you opted to use: "dirty", "broken", "sinister", "crimson" -- these words, in my opinion, are what really pull your tone together.

I personally like the lack of punctuation, because in this case, a more "choppy" read works in favor of the poem -- rather than putting periods to end thoughts completely, you leave all of the lines open, which is an effective way to sort of keep the reader on edge. This aligns well with the fact that you chose to end the poem on the word "broken".

I feel like this poem could have benefited from perhaps one more stanza right before the last one; further developing the concept of being kept a "broken" secret would have helped emphasize the disturbing nature of the narrator's circumstances even further, but this is just a personal preference. For being written very quickly, I have to say that it was very enjoyable to read, and you did a great job

hi there, i just was looking around for a poem that really speaks to me as usual, and this one did. It's one of those that you stumble upon, and you find every line you read saying the things you feel but could never express. That's really why I love poetry.
Anyways, sorry, getting off topic- back to your poem.
You have a beautiful metaphorical voice filled with imagery. The way that you describe pain, or emotional feelings to real life natural things really brings out the intensity and realness of it all.
However, for me, if I could change one thing, I would ask you to continue more on this. It felt like you were cut short and stuck in a quick ending and ran off. With so much darkness, you have to let it sit, and sink in. So make me wait, make me pause while i read, and take me further. It just feels somewhat rushed- at least the last stanza does. The first two would fit perfectly if you would carry on from it.
But, really, it is beautiful. Keep writing!

I get the dark feel, mood, whatever- but I’m not sure what you were aiming for here. Were you aiming for a dark poem? So like you just decided you wanted a dark poem for the fans; like you claim in the comment.
Or did you just write down how you feel.
Either way, the poem was very beautiful.

Alright, beautiful doesn’t mean anything. Let’s say i really like how it all evolves in the dark theme, like a bit mysterious- how it feels very stark until the end. Which feels more antique. Rusty. I guess you get that feel with the words “dirty”, “basement” and “broken”. Feels like all the darkness of above is the past, like you’re remembering why you ended up in that basement; like letting go. Or like a nightmare.

I guess you made it dark enough with the drowning imagery at the beginning of the poem, but that last line of the first stanza, the second and the third stanza- are what make this poem actually dark. The only thing I think broke the imagery was that part with “the silence on snow/ and splattered with crimson” where maybe keeping the imagery of drowning and doing something else with it (for the dark touch to it) would’ve made it much better.

Also I think that that last stanza would’ve been more effective if you had had rhymes all along the poem up until there, so that that irregularity really hits us the same way the words did.

But except for all that.. overall.. I really enjoyed reading this poem!

Definitely a dark poem! It doesn't just linger on dark imagery, but creates a mood and a bit of a character description of the narrator, so the reader gets a window into their story.

I think the line "vultures do rotten prey" was a bit awkward - though I love the contrast with starlight, and then "shadow from beyond the grave" is a great turn of phrase.

The image of blood on snow is a bit overdone in my opinion, but I think you may have layered enough meaning into it, with the extra detail about silence - (also a really good use of alliteration all over stanza 1).

For me it was a bit ambiguous just what the "secret" was in stanza 3 - whether that was suicidal thoughts/depression from stanza one, or them as a person, but in this case I think the ambiguity actually created more layers of meaning.

I think the end 2 lines could be stronger - "basement" took us out of the haunting nature imagery, and then "dirty and broken" didn't quite feel strong enough, and "broken" wasn't something explored in the first two stanzas yet.

A bit more could be done with sound devices in stanza 2, since you have so much good alliteration and repetition of sounds in stanza 1. Besides that I really liked the formatting, word choice, and break-up of the lines.

Well done Scar! This was a good read!

- alliyah

Hewwo I'm here to review I really only have positive things to say to be honest!

Brooooo for having written this really quickly the flow is spot on. It reads so nicely, and without a set rhyme scheme? Brilliant. And where you chose to line breaks feels so right. I think one of the reasons the flow feels so nice is that the first two stanzas match each other pretty closely - both being seven lines and having similar syllable count, which contributes a lot to how a poem flows. It's more than just you breaking a sentence in half to make it poetry. It feels intentional, which is great!

and sometimes i feel like discord
and sorrow, swallowed up by
the silence on snow
and splattered with crimson