Published September 27, 2014
Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Boo. Hey again. Scarli here with something new-old-new. Well, old for me. New for you. Off you go. Enjoy and whatnot. And just so you know, this is about 3k. Comments and crit welcome! Be nice, though. But not too nice. XD
Chapter
One – Part One
Sunlight streamed through the trees, scattering across the grass beyond them and casting fading light on a group of young people in the park. Two blondes, one male and one female, and a redhead tossed a frisbee between each other while a young man with dark brown, almost black, hair sat off to the side, a bottle of water in one hand while he toyed with the lid with his other hand. He was watching the group play, casting a wary glance towards the setting sun. One of his knees was jigging up and down, a nervous habit he’d developed over the years and one his friends had known about ever since they had first met him.
The frisbee landed beside him, startling him and making him jump. He looked at it for a moment, scowling and then looked up at the sound of laughter. “Throw it back, Nich!” the red-haired girl called, grinning as she threw an arm around the blonde boy’s neck. “And join us! It’ll be fun!”
The boy, Nich, shook his head as he picked up the round blue disc. “No thanks,” he called back, tossing it half-heartedly back towards them. “I’m fine right where I am!” Laughter followed that comment, but it made him smile. This was why he had left in the first place, and why he had chosen to hide amongst humans. They helped him to forget who and what he was, and who hunted for him. He’d had to move around a lot, never sticking around in one place longer than a handful of years. Of course, looking like--and claiming to be--a teenager was handy. And in a dozen or so years, he could always claim it as ‘good genetics’--which was true, in a sense. After all, he hadn’t been caught...yet.
“Ever the spoilsport,” announced the blonde girl as she came jogging closer to him and bent to pick up the blue disc. Nich copped a look straight down her top but didn’t comment. His tastes went either way and just because he could didn’t mean he should. After all, he couldn’t exactly start a relationship without either injuring his partner, or coming home to find them dead anyway--or just straight out missing. He’d been blamed for one too many of those ‘missing’ people, and the dead ones. He didn’t need another name on that list. “Logaaaaan, Nich’s being a spoilsport!”
He exhaled in relief when she turned her back on him to pin the blonde boy with a look, to which the boy scowled at, shrugging off the redhead’s arm. Said blonde snorted and approached the other girl. Nich guessed it was pleading, the old younger-sibling-puppy-dog-eyes thing. “Hailey, you know that doesn’t work on me anymore.”
“Shit,” the blonde girl, now identified as Hailey, said, and she threw the frisbee at him, spinning to race around behind the tree Nich sat under. He laughed, watching as Logan batted the plastic disc aside and raced after her, much to the amusement of the redhead, who came to sit down beside him, blue plastic frisbee in hand.
“One would think they were brought up like wild men,” she commented, spinning the disc in her hands. Nich chuckled but didn’t reply, content to watch the siblings chase each other around until Logan caught his sister and tackled her to the ground, where he proceeded to tickle the hell out of her. Despite them being between eighteen and twenty, with Logan as the older (as far as they knew), they acted like a bunch of kids sometimes. It amused the hell out of Nich. “I see you’re acting your usual ‘grown up’ self, Nich.”
The dark-haired boy sighed. “Yeah,” he said, dropping his gaze to the bottle of water. He was only slightly surprised to see how mangled the lid was now. He hadn’t consciously been doing that, but now that the sun was sinking lower and lower still towards the horizon, all he wanted to do was go hide in a hole and not come out until dawn. “I just didn’t feel like horsing around.” And it was the true; he’d been feeling increasingly lethargic and uneasy outside for weeks now, and he’d only come out today at the insistence of his friends.
“Tired, huh?” the redhead asked, and Nich nodded. You have no idea, he thought, but he didn’t comment--yet. He forced himself to take one hand away from the bottle, raising it to scratch at his neck, right over his pounding pulse. It sent a sharp spike of heat straight down to his groin, but he showed no reaction--or he hoped he didn’t, at least. “Maybe you need to get laid.”
He froze, shooting the girl a glance, but upon seeing her face, he realised she was only joking and relaxed. “Very funny, Amy,” he told her before moving his gaze back to the siblings on the grass. Hailey had protested surrender and Logan had complied. He was now standing up and offering his sister a hand up while dusting himself off. Nich tried not to focus on the older blonde’s arse, or Hailey’s chest. He closed his eyes and sighed. “Okay, maybe I do.”
Amy chuckled and gave him a playful shove. “Lay off my boyfriend, would you?”
“Hey!” Nich’s eyes shot open and he scowled at her. “I swing both ways, remember? I might have been eyeing off his sister for all you know!”
She snickered at him, leaning forwards over her knees in a fit of laughter. Right at that moment, Logan dropped down next to her. “What’s this about eyeing off my sister?” He looked from Nich to Amy and back, frowning when his girlfriend shook her head, clearly unable to answer him. He then raised an eyebrow at the clearly now-flustered look on Nich’s face. “Ohh, I see. Hey, Amy?” She raised her head, wiping at her eyes. Logan tilted his head towards Nich. “Up for a threesome?” She cracked up again, shaking her head. Logan grinned at a stunned Nich, and shrugged. “Sorry, kidding.”
“I-it’s o-okay,” Nich choked out, turning his flaming face away from the pair. It was at that moment he caught movement in the trees off to his right. He froze, gaze suddenly narrowed. Hailey was beside him by now, digging through her bag and saying something about pizza in a hopeful tone, but all he could focus on was the movement in the trees. He caught a flash of pale face and dark hair, but it was the eyes that froze him completely; dark blue that seemed to glow just a little. He swallowed and tore his gaze off of the one staring back from the trees. “Hey...” He winced but went on regardless. He sounded terrified--and he was! “We should head back now...let’s order that pizza, find a movie to watch, eh?”
Thankfully, his friends agreed and practically dragged him out of the park, he was that distracted. And they hadn’t noticed his complete and utter terror, either. Nich could only thank the gods they hadn’t. If they had...well, he wasn’t sure which he would have preferred. All the questions they’d ask—or the attack he foresaw in those dark, lightly glowing blue eyes. Ash was one of his children, which meant he was being watched. And that wasn’t good. He’d evaded the older man for almost three-thousand years. He hoped he wasn’t about to be caught and dragged back to him, kicking and screaming--by Ash no less. Ash, or better known as Ashtad, was the eldest of the five of them. And Nich was younger than him by five hundred years. Ashtad, along with his twin sister, Anya, were the prize possessions in that man’s collection, but nothing compared to Nich. And Nich knew why, too. He was special--unique--even amongst his kind. None who had been brought over before him had retained their ability to see, communicate and even possibly use, what most nowadays would call spirits. Nich still could, and he’d never been sure why. His human lifetime was nearly three millennia ago, and rather blurry for him. He barely remembered even his early years as a newly-turned near-immortal.
If Ash was in town...it couldn’t mean anything good. It meant that Nich had to leave, and soon. He was putting his friends in danger just by being seen with them, and with that one glimpse of Ashtad, he knew the older man would have sensed Nich’s aura all over them—and that came only when one lived with another for an extended period of time. Nich winced, shifting on his seat on the couch in the lounge room. Logan and Amy had retired over an hour ago, and Hailey lay on the floor, head on a pillow he’d slipped under her before he went back to sitting on the couch and staring blankly at the TV screen as the movie they’d chosen played again for the fifth time. He just couldn’t sleep, not with the knowledge that his eldest ‘brother’ was in town. And that meant Anya was too, which would mean his so-called master would be as well. Shit, he thought, now panicked. He’s found me. Of course, it was too late.
Over the next few days, they continued as usually; work, park, cinemas, parties--whatever popped up next on the ‘things to do’ list. They were wasting time until Hailey went back to college and Logan went back to his modelling job. Amy, meanwhile, was studying to become a future police detective. Something Nich, Logan and Hailey highly encourage. Nich for personal reasons—after all, wouldn’t it be handy to have someone he knew and trusted on the inside that also knew what he was? Not that he’d told them yet, though... He had just never found the right time to tell them, and every time he tried, he found he couldn’t. And, of course, when he disappeared every Sunday or Wednesday night for hours at a time, they’d pester him with questions until he snapped at them that he had things he needed to take care of. Hailey had assumed that meant he had a girlfriend or a boyfriend, which was sort of true. Amy and Logan had considered several options—from serial killer to drug lord. None of which weren’t entirely true. He did many things on those nights, some of which involved drugs, killing or sex—or a combination of the three. What he did, of course, was see his blood donating ‘friends’—a small group of people who knew what he was and were content to donate blood to him, and sex if they felt so inclined, considering blood and sex were so very entwined for his kind.
That, of course, meant he left less of an impact on the local crimes. And also meant the cops wouldn’t look for a serial killer who had a penchant for draining the blood from his victims and setting them on fire—a sure-fire way (no pun intended) to destroy any evidence he might have left behind. Thankfully, he’d refrained from having to do that for a while. But it was only because of his donors. Some of whom were each very thankful for the money to help raise their families, such as Elle. Nich scowled, glancing towards his bedroom door. He was now in his room, working on a piece of artwork that he’d received a commission for. He could hear his friends wandering about the apartment, could hear Amy and Logan discussing something in low voices. It was only because he respected their privacy as his friends that he didn’t listen in. Then again, as soon as he heard the words ‘club’ and ‘out’, he tensed. They wanted to go out clubbing? Nich wasn’t sure if he should join them, but they would insist, and since Hailey wasn’t home right now...
Nich sighed and finished the off-white base coast he was giving to the canvas. He could finish the painting later. After all, he had been around a while and learnt how to paint from the best of them, such as Raphael, Giovanni Bellini and Botticelli, among others. He hadn’t been able to remember all of their names, but he did remember a few. And looking through the art galleries always had him smiling. Although he would never tell another soul—let alone his master, the sadist. Suffice to say, his century or so in Italy would be remembered well. Better than some of the other centuries he’d had, and more so than the handful of centuries spent with his master. It had been torture, pure torture. He’d hated every single minute of it.
A soft knock at the door to his room had Nich glancing towards it. Logan stood there, a frown on his face. “You never told me you could paint,” he said, stepping into the room. Nich tensed and put the brush down, frowning at the canvas. He sighed and gestured to the laptop sitting nearby, which displayed the details of his current commission.
“It’s a commission for someone,” he explained, rubbing at his face. He was suddenly tired, and he felt very, very tense and strung out. He hadn’t slept or fed properly in three or four days. Was it three? No, must be four by now. Nich sighed. “This, I think, is my hardest by far.” He didn’t add that his clientele were mostly vampires who preferred the older styles of art, but he didn’t need to explain, did he? As far as Logan seemed to be concerned, these were just people who liked their art.
“So you’re painting like Giovanni?” Logan asked, flicking him a smirk. Nich shrugged and set about putting away his art supplies. He left the room for a moment and returned to find Logan looking from the canvas to his laptop and back. “You’re not selling these as the real thing, are you?” When Nich shook his head, Logan went on, pointing to his face. “You have paint on your cheek. And your forehead.”
“Shit,” Nich said, cursing some more as he slipped out of the room and went down the hall to the bathroom. Sure enough, when he looked in the mirror, there was paint on his face. He set about getting rid of it. He felt more than heard Logan follow him, and tried to ignore the human.
“So,” Logan said, making him glance up. “Want to come out clubbing with me and Amy? We’re probably going to get a little drunk, and we figure since you don’t exactly drink much, we’d designate you as the driver.” Nich blinked at him. By ‘a little drunk’, Logan meant absolutely plastered. He wasn’t about to argue over that. Perhaps he could skip out for a bit and visit a donor? Or maybe he could get one of them to meet him at the club? “You in?”
Nich splashed more water on his face, hiding his eyes for a minute as he composed himself. Then he stood, turned off the water and faced Logan. “Sure,” he replied, leaning back against the bathroom sink. “But only if I can invite a friend.”
Logan grinned. “That’s fine.”
Nich moved past the human and out into the hall. He paused and half-turned back as Logan was closing the door. “By the way, which club did you have in mind?” he asked, digging his phone out of his pocket and waving it about. “So I can tell my friend, y’know?” Logan’s grin just widened as he told him. Entranced was a club that Nich knew catered to the Other—those like him or worse. Though he didn’t know what could be worse than blood-drinking monsters. Besides, maybe he wouldn’t see any of his so-called siblings tonight? “Awesome,” he told the human who just smirked and shut the door. Nich went off to text Ethan, one of his younger donors. He hadn’t seen him in a while, so maybe they could have some fun before he brought him home? Nich smiled at the response the boy sent (Sure, can’t wait) and tucked his phone away.
About an hour later, after a rather nice shower, Nich and his two human housemates were waiting in line outside Entranced. They were only about the third group back from the front of the line, with Nich’s ‘friend’, Ethan, standing close to him. Nich didn’t mind. After all, his friends had been ecstatic the first time he’d brought them to the club. It was fairly exclusive, and often only those in the company of, or who knew, an ‘Other’ who were allowed in. It was only because of Nich that they were let in that first time—and Nich had promised them he’d had an open-invite into the club, no entrance fee required. And he hadn’t seen what the harm in that was, either—as long as they never found out. After all, he didn’t know how—or what—to tell them yet. He was glad he’d bribed the bouncer not to talk about what he was when he let them in. He couldn’t do much about what they heard inside, though, but he’d been glad they had assumed it was some kind of weird supernatural-themed thing.
So there they were, third in line. Nich caught the bouncer’s gaze and blinked at him. The man grinned, showing off his fangs and making Nich laugh. The bouncer, a tall, bald man made of muscle, was far younger than him. He’d been the one to first see Nich come into the club, and he’d been rather stumped at his age. He’d asked a few things, but Nich had simply replied with ‘Appearances can be deceiving, boy. Just because I look sixteen doesn’t mean I actually am’, and the bouncer had laughed and let him in. After all, if Nich wasn’t trying to hide who and what he was, he leaked power. And power meant age. Of course, he wasn’t leaking it right now, but he’d been to the club a dozen times, so the others of his kind who were standing in line had probably seen him before. They were also shooting him awestruck glances.
“You’d think they hero-worshipped him or something,” Amy muttered from beside him as she caught the twin girls in front glancing back again. Nich glanced at her, then the girls, who grinned at him. He narrowed his gaze and they turned away. “Hmph. Weirdos.”
“Amy,” he sighed, then shook his head. On his other side, Ethan was smothering his laughter. Nich had let him in on the whole they-don’t-know thing before they met up (via text message) so the boy knew not to let slip anything. The redhead merely grinned at him. Logan, who stood behind her, tightened his grip on her waist. Nich caught the bouncer’s gaze again and raised an eyebrow. The man sighed and pointed at him.
“You, with those three,” he said in a gruff voice before gesturing to the three beside Nich. “In you go.” He gestured to the other bouncer, a tall woman with long blonde hair and grey eyes. She unclipped the rope and let Nich and his friend through. The twin girls watched him walk past with envy, but then the bald man pointed at them, too, and motioned for them to follow him. Within minutes, Nich, Amy, Logan and Ethan were in the club.
When the door closed behind them, Nich threw an arm around Ethan’s shoulders. The twin girls took off across the dance floor, straight for an older man with greying hair. Nich ignored them and glanced towards Logan and Amy.
“Just a friend, huh?” Logan asked, giving Nich a nudge. He just grinned and pushed back. “Suuure, Nich. ‘Just a friend’ my arse.”
“Go find a drink, would you?” Nich shot back, smiling. “And keep an eye on your girlfriend!” Logan went, but not without a sly look towards Ethan, who was still smothering his mouth with one hand. “I swear they’re trying to kill me.”
“I doubt you’d be killed that easily, Nicholae,” Ethan replied, slipping his arm around Nich’s waist. He winced and Ethan sighed. “Sorry, I forgot.”
“No, it’s fine.” Nich glanced around the club, found no one he knew watching him and guided his friend—and blood donor—towards the bar where his other two friends sat. “Let’s get a drink before we talk business.” Ethan didn’t protest as Nich ordered for him, ordering something he knew the human would like and he, himself, wouldn’t hate. He also ordered a straight up glass of red wine for himself, which the bartender—a brunette girl of about nineteen—spiked with a little of her blood when no one was looking. Nich sighed but accepted the drink none-the-less. Ethan could give him more blood later.
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Hello my love!
So why is the brunette young but the blondes and the redhead aren't?
Also, I find myself not liking the description of all of their hair colors. I understand you needed a way to distinguish the people, but still. Spice it up a little. I suggest using their heights; their features too. One wears glasses while the other has a arm tattoo and this one weighs a bit more than the rest. Describe them, but don't go overboard.
With that said, if you want to continue using the hair colors to mark their appearance, use more unique terms for the colors. Brunettes, mahogany, chocolate brown, golden rod, tawny, auburn, raven, etc.
Cut out the indicated. Comes off as fluff.
*fumes* Typical guy >_>
Wait. What. How does this turn him on? Unless I'm misinterpreting this and it isn't arousing him. >_>
You repeat human too much. We get it, Scar! We only need you to tell us a few times that Nich is some bloodsucker and that his roommates are human. You don't have to keep repeating this, it's just becoming tedious.
Hmmm. Okay, Scar, gonna be honest here. I'm not sure how I feel about this. You packed quite a lot of stuff into this beginning chapter.
Okay so Nich is a vampire, clearly. You started off great, with mentioning how he liked to be around humans, for they made him feel normal. Then you throw in a rival and a bunch of background history, which I suggest you remove or reduce the amount. Background history is fabulous and much needed, but only a bit at a time.
As for the rival, I was like "Already?" Too soon! Back it up a bit, don't make him a threat just yet. Take it slow, at least for two chapters, before we get introduced to the villain. In fact, you can mention-introduce him but don't make him a primary threat just yet. Just a suggestion.
But then Nich gets all bloodthirsty all of the sudden o_O not necessarily a bad thing, but it was confusing, with the sudden change from calm Nich to givemeblood Nic.
I'd like to point out how he didn't know their names in the beginning >_> they're his friends, right? How did he not recognize them? That didn't make any sense, since they clearly knew who he was. Also, they did come off as younger, way younger, than they were, so if you wanna work on that a bit, I suggest you do.
Other than that, this is off to a good start. Not entirely sure what the sibling/master issue thing is but I have faith that you will tell us what's gonna happen soon. ^^ I think you did a good job with the vampire characteristics of Nich. As of this moment, he doesn't come off as cliche.
Good job with the urban-fantasy club as well. Funny how the people who work for the club recognize him as a vampire and are okay with letting him in and spiking his wine with their blood. Also, people serve wine at clubs? >_> I didn't know that lol
Off to read more! Hope my review helped.
~Iggy
Thanks for the review, Iggy! Ah, yeah. The neck thing. My vampires are kind of sensitive to certain things. Where does a vamp normally bite someone? I think you get it now. You've brought a few things to my attention that I'll definitely be considering! Thanks again! I'll look into them when I get a chance. <3
Hi Scarlett!
Well I have to say that I got really hooked into this. As opposed to the first review, I can tell why you mentioned the weather/time. It's important to know that it was getting dark out. It obviously meant something since the closer it got, the more nervous Nich was feeling especially when he noticed someone watching.
You kept the suspension very spot on and I found myself wondering exactly what Nich was considering how he related to the group of teenagers he called friends. You wove a nice spin on the vampire theme and I liked it a lot. I think the way you introduced the names of the other characters was interesting and I might have like to know the names a bit sooner but it worked out.
Your description and imagery with the words were beautifully done. I find myself wondering how Nich is going to react when he finally meets up with his siblings as it seems he doesn't want to be found as he stated earlier plus how he commented in the paragraphs how his friends/lovers wound up as missing persons or dead. I can't help wonder what will happen to Amy, Logan and Hailey because of their association with him.
Overall, I found this chapter to be very suspenseful and really written well. I will be sure to read the other chapters as well so I can know more of what happens! Keep up the good work, Scarlett!
Sincerely,
Soulkana
So I didn't through all of it as this is a pretty big piece. This is what I got so far.
A writing is best when not opened with the weather. It's one of the fastest ways to lose a readers attention.
"and one of his friends had known about ever since they had first met him." Omit.
"and making him jump." Omit.
"the red haired girl called out," No names?
"They helped him forget who and what he was, and who hunted him." Revise.
"Nich copped a look straight down her top but didn't comment." "but didn't comment." Omit.
"he couldn't exactly start a relationship..." Revise. "he couldn't be in a relationship..."
"and the dead ones." Omit.
"He didn't need another name on that list." Revise. "He couldn't afford another to the list."
The following paragraph needs revising.
"blue plastic frisbee in hand." Too much description. Revise. "blue frisbee in hand."
"it amused the hell out of Nich." Omit.
"I see you're acting..." Omit this sentence.
"all he wanted to do was go hide in a hole and not come out until dawn." This sentence doesn't make a lick of sense.
"but he didn't comment-yet." Omit.
"Maybe you need to get laid." Omit. Along with the previous sentence. It sounds absurd!
"Okay, maybe I do." Omit as he'd just stated she was joking. Omit the previous sentence as well.
"I might have been eyeing off his sister for all you know!" This doesn't work. Either revise or omit.
The sexual joking isn't needed. To be truthful I find it annoying.
"He sounded terrified- and he was!" Revise. This wording is weak.
Thanks for the review, but as you should be able to tell from the title, this is only part one of the first chapter. They were too long, so I had to split them up into parts.
Also, most of what you're telling me to omit is supposed to be there. It's friendly banter and the rating is 18 . I did warn people in the description of what could be inside. For me, 3,000 words is short. Sorry if it's too long for you. Also, a lot of things that don't make sense now will make sense later. If you had kept reading, that is.
Again, thanks for the review! I'll consider some of what you've brought to my attention and we'll see how I go.