More YWS Flash Fiction Frenzy stuff.
Kincade The Doctor?
Mikel eyed the man standing in front him, then flicked his glance to Khalid. His friend was frowning. Mikel returned his gaze to the strange man and tilted his head to one side, looking him up and down. “Don’t I know you?” he asked, shifting on the weird bed. He’d asked Khalid what is was earlier, and Khalid had informed him that he was in a hospital. But Mikel was sure it wasn’t any hospital he’d known before.
The doctor tilted his head in kind, studying Mikel. “How do you feel?” he asked, completely disregarding Mikel’s question and replying with one of his own. Mikel frowned and glanced towards Khalid before looking around the room. Everything was white. Mikel hated it. “Mikel, I asked you a questions.”
The boy sighed, shaking his head and trying to meet the doctors eyes. “I feel confused,” he said, dragging the sheets up to his chin. “I can’t remember anything and I don’t know where I am... Khalid told me, but it’s not familiar.”
The doctor frowned at him, then started humming. Mikel looked at Khalid when the man would have touched his back. The other boy stepped up and took ahold of the man’s wrist. “Please be gentle, Kincade,” he said, keeping his voice low. The door was open, and Khalid didn’t want to be overheard. Mikel could understand that.
Kincade shook off the boy’s hand without reply. “That’s understandable, Mikel,” he said, casting Khalid a warning glance. Then he proceeded to check over Mikel to make sure the boy was okay, ignoring the way Mikel squirmed in the bed. “You’ll be fine,” he added and headed for the door.
Mikel exchanged a worried glance with Khalid as the strange man named Kincade disappeared through the door. Khalid sighed and shook his head, moving over to the bed and perching on the edge of it. Mikel leaned into his friend and whispered, "I don't think he's a real doctor, Khalid."
They eyed the doorway warily for a moment before Khalid decided to reply. “I think I agree, Mikel.” He snorted. “Weird man.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hi! Merry Christmas in July! I'm your Secret Santa
I'm reviewing this and another story. Any corrections like spelling/grammar with be in BOLD. I will write comments.
Your start is pretty good. It hooked me on, per say. I got interested. I love your characters names, so unique.
So far, the story is building up to something, right? I can feel that. I feel the confusion of Mikel. Which is a good thing.
I thought something would happen at the end, nothing special hit me though. He's not a real doctor? Is there a part II somewhere to this? It's a good story, I just thought it would have this exciting ending, you know?
OVERALL: Great piece. It was well written. It flowed together well. I was interested. This story is different from the ones I normally read. I'm still wondering, what's up with that Doctor?
Keep Writing!
PM me anytime!
-Nike
This was a workshop thing, which is why it's so short. I have taken the idea and expanded on it. I might post the expanded version of it sometime, if I feel like I need to. Thanks for the review!
Ahh! I have so much interest in this section, but again, this is not flash fiction, but a section of a larger piece. Because of that, I'm not sure why it's posted on its own, and why it wouldn't be posted with the writing that goes around us to give the reader a chance at a full story and full understanding. Teasers are nice, in theory, but we want to sit down and read and experience.
Before I say any more, please proofread your writing:
Typo that should be "it".
a = singular s= plural. You can't use them both together.
You can catch the rest yourself, right?
Now, as for the material. It's very vague. It's very circular. I'm not quite sure why we have so much material over what is essential just a doctor asking the patient if he's fine, doing some tests, and walking out. I would understand if we were able to access a tone about the scene, but we don't. There's nothing in the doctor's gestures or speech that suggest he's odd, only in the hesitance of Mikel. Why does Mikel feel this way? What is it about this place that gives him an uneasy feeling?
And really, if there were any doubt about what this place is and who this person is, why are the boys here in the first place? This is probably answered in text outside of the section, but I am really interested in why Khalid would let Mikel go into some shoddy hospital. Oh, and why are they there in the first place, too?
I love your names, though.
PM me if you have any questions, please.
Good luck and keep writing!
Hey! This piece has been hanging around for ages with no review! I'm Guineapiggirl and I'm here to fix that
I'll assume this was just a one off mistake... If not, here are the rules of apostrophe use: 
This is a funny little piece! Very short, no sort of conclusion. How did he get there? Who is this 'doctor'? OH! Is it Doctor Who?
Sorry, that's silly. Anyway, I like it. I think you've got an interesting little scene here. It's not exactly a story though, more of a... scene? I think I like it though!
Just a few little things:
Mikel eyed the man standing in front him, then flicked his glance to Khalid. His friend was frowning. Mikel returned his gaze to the strange man and tilted his head to one side, looking him up and down.
The doctor tilted his head in kind,
Do we need quite so much description of what they're all doing with their heads? It's all good, but there's SO MUCH of it! I'd cut a little in the first section.
Mikel looked at Khalid when the man would have touched his back
This sentence felt a little awkward. I didn't quite understand what you meant at first.
Something like, 'The doctor made to touch Mikel's back. He looked at Khalid for help.' or whatever would be clearer.
doctors eyes
This should be 'doctor's eyes', because the eyes belong to the doctor. Got it?
http://www.apostrophe.org.uk/page2.html
I hope i've helped a little. I like this piece. If it's going to be part of a bigger story then please tell me when you post more and I'll come and review it!