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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence Mature Content

All Secrets Untold - Chapter Three (Part One)

by ScarlettFire


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

I've been meaning to post this for a while. More Chase! Enjoy~

Chapter Three: A Serious Phone-call (Part One)

Chase stood under the shower, letting the water pelt him in the face. He'd given Eric his old clothes and was in the bathroom, trying to get the squished-in banana peel out of his hair. It was only partially working. He'd have to wash it with shampoo again. At least he'd gotten most of it out, and all the blood.

"So," Eric called out over the sound of running water. He stood on the other side of the glass shower screen, looking at the pistol. Chase had seen him pull it out of his pocket just before he'd closed the glass door. "What's the last thing you remember?"

He spent a long moment thinking about that, trying to recall the last thing he was doing. "I was in my mother's office," he called back, tilting his face up into the spray to get the last of the blood off his face. It had been caked down the side of his face, hidden by his hair. He tilted his head forward so he could work on the banana peel more. "I was reading her diary."

Eric was silent for a long moment after that, so Chase leaned over to pull the glass door open. His boyfriend look at him and sighed. "That's where we found the blood. We had it tested to make sure," he said, gaze dropping to the bagged pistol. "It was yours. That's why we were worried."

Chase chuckled and slanted him a look. "Yeah, I could tell. Ten calls and nearly two-hundred messages." He sobered up and retreated to the shower. "You better call my sister and tell her you found me." He closed the door and ducked under the water, drowning out Eric's reply and the phone-call he made a moment later. He didn't want to hear Hazel rant about how he was a horrible brother yet again. Chase sighed and shut the water off. He listened to Eric say goodbye to his sister before opening the glass door. "Well?"

His boyfriend sighed, shoving his phone back into his pocket. Chase watched the other man as he pushed off the bathroom cabinet. "She's not happy, but she says you're safe, at least." Eric dragged his fingers through his hair, turning towards the door. "Come on. I get the feeling that you're starving."

"Yeah," he muttered, following Eric out into the hall. "You could say that."

Chase was starving, but he couldn't quite understand the hunger. The sensation felt like it was intensified by a hundred. He'd never felt quite this hungry before, and he'd gone longer without food. Running the family business had made him forgetful a few times. Plus, it sent his stress through the roof. No one liked to discuss business with an openly genderqueer CEO. And that was the least of his worries. He'd had a dozen death threats in the mail before the end of the week after he'd been seen in a local restaurant with Eric.

In the kitchen, Eric set about making food. Omelettes were Chase's favourite. He sat at the bench in Eric's kitchen, watching his boyfriend cook. "So, want to tell me why you lied to Hazel?" Eric asked, turning to fix Chase with a sly look.

"Um," he said, glancing away from the other man. "I don't know..."

"You don't know?" His boyfriend turned away from the stove, raising an eyebrow. "I guess being shot in the head would do that..."

Chase glared at Eric. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing."

He sighed, rolling his eyes at Eric. His boyfriend turned back to the stove. Chase stared at his boyfriend and fiddled with a fork while Eric moved about the kitchen. Eric's apartment was small, but not tiny. Chase certainly never felt claustrophobic in it. It sat on the third floor above one of the many small stores in Northbridge.

"Here," Eric said, turning to place a plate in front of him. He peered down at Chase for a moment, obviously taking him in now that they were in Eric's well-lit kitchen. "You look tired, Chase. Maybe you should take a nap?"

Chase shook his head, pulling the plating towards him with his left hand. He dug into the mess of egg, bacon and cheese, barely chewing before he swallowed the food. He was starving, and the omelette was making his mouth water, but something was wrong.

"That good, huh?" his boyfriend asked, turning back to the stove. Chase barely paid him much attention as he stuffed his face.

It was when he was about halfway through that the nausea started. Chase had to stop eating, the fork clattering to the bench-top. He put a hand over his mouth as he pushed the plate back, fighting back the sudden urge to violently throw up.

"Chase?" Eric called, concerned. He couldn't look up, couldn't stop looking at the food Eric had made him. "What's wrong?"

Chase pushed his stool back, knocking it over in the process as he bolted for the bathroom. He only just made it in time. Bile, made of food and dark liquid, was what he threw up into the toilet. He knew Eric had followed him; the other man was standing outside the bathroom door. How he had managed to close and lock it before reached the toilet Chase didn't know. He was just glad he'd made it.

Eric knocked on the door. "Chase, are you okay?"

He took a moment to gain his composure--and to make sure he wasn't going to throw up again--before wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and standing up again. Chase unlocked the door and moved to the sink. Eric cracked open the door as he turned the tap on. "I think I am now," he told his boyfriend, glancing towards the other man's reflection in the mirror.

"That was certainly an...explosive reaction," Eric told him, leaning on the doorjamb, arms crossed. "Definitely not what I was expecting. What happened?"

"I don't know," Chase muttered, frowning at his reflection in the mirror. "That was weird. I'm starving, yet food makes me throw up? I don't get it."

Eric looked thoughtful for a moment, uncrossing one arm only to tap a finger against his lips. "Maybe the eggs were off?" he suggested, pushing off the doorjamb. "I did forget to check them."

"Maybe." he replied, gaze dropping to watch his hands as he washed them. He turned the tap off a moment later and reached for a towel. Chase heard Eric move behind him and then the toilet flushed. "I'm still hungry."

"Let's try some liquid first, then," Eric said, joining him at the sink. Chase waited patiently after wiping his hands for Eric to wash his. Hands dry, they left the bathroom together and went back to the kitchen. "So, what'll it be?"

"I think I need a drink," Chase muttered sitting back down at the kitchen bench. Eric had removed the plate, most likely when he'd made a dash for the loo, and it was now being replaced with glasses and a bottle of scotch. "Thanks."

"You look like you need one."

Eric joined Chase on his side of the bench, sitting beside him on a stool. They left the stool he'd knocked over earlier on the floor. Chase would pick it up later. "I don't get it, Eric," he whispered, watching his boyfriend pour them both drinks. "What is wrong with me?"

His boyfriend heaved a sigh. "There is nothing wrong with you, Chase," Eric told him, resting a hand on his shoulder. "It was probably just the eggs."

"Yeah, alright," Chase said, "I'll take your word for it."

"But," Eric stressed, making Chase look towards him. "If you're sick or something, well. It might be a good idea to go see that doctor."

"We'll see how I feel in the morning." Chase stood and put his glass down. "I think I might just go take that nap now. Goodnight, Eric. Don't take too long." He gave his boyfriend a peck on the lips before heading off down the hall and into the bedroom. Chase was asleep before his head hit the pillows.


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Mon Jan 30, 2017 6:16 pm
Omni wrote a review...



Hey Scar! Let's dive right in.

As a reminder, I'm going into this under the perspective of "what's now a plot hole, what can be changed to have the story flow, and what can be improved upon regarding the characters and plot."

All previous points and nitpicks (filler words, weak verbs, etc.) will also apply to this chapter. Unless I think something should be specifically mentioned, just keep this note in mind when you revise ^^

Before I get into the actual review, we have to discuss the metaphorical elephant in the metaphorical room: going to the hospital. The way I see it, you have two options, both of which will require overhaul of a scene or more.

A: Take Chase to the hospital. This means completely altering this chapter from Eric's place to the hospital, and altering what happens to conform to that.

B: Chase's injury healed after the bullet fell out of his head. This means altering the last portion of Chapter 2, but after some thought, I feel like this will be the easier of the two options. If you'd like, I can go back to Chapter 2 and point out what I think should be changed if you take this approach with a B:. So, what do you think?

Notes

"I was reading her diary."


I think something like "I came across her diary." would be better here.

"That's where we found the blood. We had it tested to make sure,"


Three things: Who's "we" here? How did they get the blood tested? And how long exactly was Chase missing? Something like DNA testing takes anywhere from a day to weeks.

No one liked to discuss business with an openly genderqueer CEO.


Ain't that the truth. And a harsh, disgusting one at that.

"So, want to tell me why you lied to Hazel?"


I guess I'm not following, but lie about what, exactly?

Maybe you should take a nap?"


I'm going to echo what I said in Chapter 2, but Chase got shot in the head. They are way too chill with that. Like, if I were Eric and I knew my boyfriend got shot in the head, I'd be so worried that I wouldn't leave him alone, obsessively making sure he was okay until everyone was sick of it. Also, he GOT SHOT IN THE HEAD and they're over here bickering, and suggesting that he should take a nap?? Another thing to note is that he doesn't know he's immortal yet, let alone a vampire. Someone here besides myself should be freaking out.

"There is nothing wrong with you, Chase,"


Uhh yeah there is, he just got shot in the head --fine, I'll stop XD

General Thoughts

So, I forget that this is only a part, but this is a wonderful length for a chapter. It's short enough for me to review well, while also giving enough substance to be entertaining.

I'm going to echo plot convenience again. So, here's what I would change on this chapter to have it better fit with the new, revised storyline
-(B) Have his wound be healed, and the reactions to that
-More emphasis on his recovering from the wound, and not things like showers, arguments, or small talk. He got shot in the head, even if he recovers from it fast, he should still be down and out for at least a little bit. This would give some tender bonding between him and Eric, too
-More reactions in general. This feels like a normal sunday, not like Chase was missing for a long time, then recovered only to find out that he was shot in the head and left to rot in a dumpster.

Anyway, this review is shorter than the last three, and I think this will start being the trend. Unless your story is like absolutely terrible, I won't have many nitpicks and will focus more on characters and plot. Hope this helped, Scar, and keep writing! <3




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Sun Jan 29, 2017 4:17 am
Dracula wrote a review...



"I was in my mother's office," he called back, tilting his face up into the spray to get the last of the blood off his face. It had been caked down the side of his face, hidden by his hair.
I suggest you experiment with different ways of saying 'his', as it's repeated a little too often in this chunk.

Chase was starving, but he couldn't quite understand the hunger. The sensation felt like it was intensified by a hundred. He'd never felt quite this hungry before, and he'd gone longer without food.
I like this part, because it tells me that Chase has now changed in some way. The hunger is completely new to him, and that's unsettling. What really happened to Chase before he'd woken in that dumpster, what had changed him? <--- That's what this leaves me wondering.

"Let's try some liquid first, then," Eric said, joining him at the sink. Chase waited patiently after wiping his hands for Eric to wash his. Hands dry, they left the bathroom together and went back to the kitchen. "So, what'll it be?"

"I think I need a drink," Chase muttered sitting back down at the kitchen bench. Eric had removed the plate, most likely when he'd made a dash for the loo, and it was now being replaced with glasses and a bottle of scotch. "Thanks."

I've highlighted these two paragraphs because the speech is a little off to me. Eric says Chase should have some liquids, then he asks what type he'd like. But then Chase says I needs a drink. It doesn't come across as his agreeing with Eric, it sounds like Chase didn't hear Eric and is saying (unprompted) that he needs a drink. Instead of Chase saying he needs a drink, I think he should answer Eric's question in some way. Like, "anything, just gimme something."

Chase was asleep before his head hit the pillows.
This line is overused in novels but it works really well here. It shows how disoriented Chase is in the situation, and how hectic the recent events have been. I'm enjoying this, and will definitely keep reading!

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Sun Sep 27, 2015 10:51 pm
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello!

Stegosaurus here for a review (for Team Tardis!)

{a little note: this review has nothing to do with previous chapter so if I get something wrong, feel free to correct me!}

This is a lovely chapter three you have here. From the title- as a first reader of this- I can foreshadowed that some sort of big secret is going to come through as this novel continues on. I liked the characters you have since it seems that what a weird thing to have- including in something I have never read and see in the same sentence- blood and bananas. If I may ask, what had happened to cause a banana or blood to be together. I would say maybe a mad girlfriend cut him and was eating a banana or something- just a simple question.
Also I enjoyed the description you have throughout here as if the reader is there watching it all go down- and most people cannot get that skill down (including me). Also the dialogue seems to be my favorite when reading. I especially liked Chase's humor to something serious- and how Eric is like the worrisome person of the two (like when his boyfriend is puking up blood onto the floor).

Chase was starving, but he couldn't quite understand the hunger. The sensation felt like it was intensified by a hundred


This was a good line but something I like to suggest -that you don't have to take into consideration- would change couldn't to can't . It just seems more fixable than most.

he asked, trying ot distracted himself from the thought


As from what Raging has said, it should be not- that is a simple mistake most people make.

Overall, amazing imagery including the scene where Chase throws up the vile and whatnot- I like a good mystery/suspense once in a while and you impressed me! I hope to read more of this!

If you want me to go over anything, let me know!

Steggy




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Sun Sep 27, 2015 10:37 pm
RagingLive wrote a review...



Hello, ScarlettFire! RagingLive here to offer a review from Team Tardis!

First of all, I think that you have wonderful imagery. Your dialogue also seems natural and I have the feeling that you've been doing this for awhile.
I've always been a huge fan of anything mystery/suspense and so I can't wait to get started with this review! :)

Plus, it sent his stress through the roof.

I understand exactly what you're saying here, but it is a little odd. Is his stress going through the roof, or are his stress levels going through the roof. I'm inclined to think it's the latter, so I suggest that you edit that.

he asked, trying ot distract himself from the thought.

I think you meant to say 'not' here. It's a simple fix, though.

That was all I could find! Like I said, this felt very professionally written. Good job! Maybe I'll get to see more of your work in the future!

Keep writing and keep on smiling!! :D
~RagingLive




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Fri Sep 18, 2015 9:55 pm
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ParanormalMyth wrote a review...



Hey, ScarlettFire!

I've made a personal mission of mine to review older works in the Green Room, and well this work happened to be one! I read the other two Chapters earlier today, and now I've read this one so I can review it! :)

#000000 "> The Review!


#004000 ">Plot

Spoiler! :
#004000 "> Okay, I'll so a quick summary of all three chapters, or at least that's my initial idea.
Chapter 1:
I liked the idea of telling the Mothers story through diary entries, though some dragged on a bit. The chapter still held my attention, and I loved the ending.
Chapter 2:
Dang, the twist of Chase having the immortality thing as well was surprising! I really enjoyed the amount of detail in chapter 2. I was really surprised by the introduction of Eric, and Chase being gay. I guess I just initially imagined Chase as almost a ladies man. But, I really like this twist. I liked how we got to see how he's treated by others about this as well.
Chapter 3:
This chapter was a bit slow, but I still really enjoyed it. I liked the description of different things; the scene of Eric eating breakfast and Chase having to watch was easily my favorite. I just quite liked it. I also liked the dialog between the two, they kinda remind me of a bickering old couple at times.
In Short, you've got a really interesting plot going on and I've enjoyed the story so far. :)


#FF0000 ">Characters

Spoiler! :
#FF0000 "> I like the characters a lot, especially Eric. We get fantastic insight into Chase's mind; I feel like I've known him for a while. Eric is just awesome, :). Great job on the characters!


#800080 ">Other Random Statements

Spoiler! :
#800080 "> Hmm... I'm interested to know more Chase's "sister", she seems like a character I'll like.

You use the phrase "his boyfriend" for Eric quite a lot. I'd try and switch it up a bit so things don't get repetitive :)


#000080 ">Typos/Grammar/Odd Sentences

Spoiler! :
#000080 ">
-before wiped his mouth on the back of his hand and standing up again.

I dunno, this seems a bit off. I think maybe it's because of "wiped" is past tense , and "standing" is present. But I'm not sure if that's it or not...

"Can you turn the music down, please?" he asked, trying ot distract himself from the thought.

Ot? I think you meant "to" :)

"I am paranoid," Chase snapped, rolling his eyes at his boyfriend.

You need to add the "at" :)

The look Eric gave him made him scowl.

I dunno, I personally think this would sound better if you replaced one of the "him"'s with "Chase" wait, nevermind. I had a brain-fart there.

How had he never head of this man before?

1. Heard, not head.
2. But... He just interrupted to ask Eric if it was the P.I, so I feel like that means he's heard of this Morgan dude at least in a commercial of something.

Eric appeared unrepentant. "Good thing I already made him an appointment."

Wait what? Made who an appointment? I'm a bit confused as to what is being said here...?



Overall, this is awesome and I hope you write more!

~Myth :)





Memories, left untranslated, can be disowned; memories untranslatable can become someone else’s story.
— YiYun Li