Published December 2, 2007
Enter night-time, a perfect shadow
A perfect bed sheet, this perfect nightfall
The glowing streetlights
Like a nightlight
The glowing shepherd, the glowing shepherd
Across this valley, footprints I heard
with the rhythm of a girl’s heartbeat
quicken with defeat, quicken with deceit
let’s hear your breathing rate
Lower with your calls
I want to feel your chest
feel it rise and fall
Sitting at the café contemplating bonds
And how we’re going to keep them
The watch hands rise and fall
Our gazes rise to meet them
The arms dance around each other
But the eyes just don’t move
Let’s dance around each other
No imagination in untruths
Enter months and, enter the years
The glowing cheeks that I came to fear
Your heavy collapse
My heavy relapse
The empty bottles, the empty bottles
Sirens on the meadow, roars on full throttle
we feel the lips that we’re not keeping close
To our hearts for fear of lethal doses
Let’s hear your breathing rate
Lower with the moonlight
If all hell broke loose
I’d be it’s rise and fall
Sitting at the café contemplating bonds
And how we’re going to keep them
The watch hands rise and fall
Our gazes rise to meet them
The arms dance around each other
But the eyes just don’t move
Let’s dance around each other
No imagination in untruths
I felt luck, cross the bridge I broke down
I felt love, cross the hopes I knocked down
The stars I cannot see, is the star I cannot feel
The wound I cannot treat is you
No fear, the perfect medicine is here
No fear, the perfect medicine is here…
Your perfect voice and
Your perfect silence
Your perfect whispers
Your perfect violence
Your perfect whispers
Your perfect silence
So yeah... Thoughts?
Based on events that actually happened and naturally, made the most simple of movements become a poetic stanza
Hope you like
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140,620 Literary Works • 673,561 Reviews
I love this line. It's so full of emotions. This is like a song of Rise Against.
HELlo.
Wow, I have, like, nothing bad to say about this. I mean, I have no idea what was going on, but I just GOT it. Dark, passionate imagery and emotion. Very cool indeed. Just one thing. Could you consider getting rid of the word, "gonna?" I think it ruins it.
Keep writing! This was amazing!
Wow. I loved this. I feel the fun, sneaky, sexy vibe between the singer and his/her object of affection. And the breakdown towards the end was great. If this was really made into song, I think I'd play it over and over.
Hello Mr EliteHusky
I'm glad you enjoyed my mention the the word 'bed-sheet', it's actually quite under-appreciated and I'm very sad to hear that no one else uses it. I'm glad for your criticism as it points out a terrible quality in my writing that i've been aware of ever since I started the hobby:
I'm not good with endings to poems or lyrics
I find it easier with lyrics due to the fact that you can point out that the music simply fades out at this point, however I agree with you and would gladly accept any 'pointers' on how to end this particular song
I'm not sure if posting replies to each seperate comment is allowed so I hope you'll excuse me
Hello Scarlet Monkey,
I've before that I'm not a poetry expert but I am rather fond of lyrics. I liked the following part the most:
Enter night-time, a perfect shadow
A perfect bed sheet, this perfect nightfall
The term "bed sheet" was really innovative and I've never seen in with that use or context. However to be perfectly honest, I had no clue those lines were fell under lyrics and not poetry, although I hate that comparison as those two can be very different. The ending seems to not define that it is an ending and if just seems as though it can go on forever. Now that my criticism is over I think it would be well worth it if you are committed to review this piece if these were lyrics to a pop, rock or even an alternative indie rock song . Otherwise good work and since it's your first time, I suggest as before that if you are committed or are just doing these lyrics for spare time that you try to create and define a beat or rhythm as best as possible. My comment sounded a bit harsh but really it was just constructive criticism and no offence was meant to you or your work.
Sincerely,
-Elitehusky
I get what you're saying though, it's always difficult to read lyrics I think, this isn't a rap, the lines are meant to be sang slowly by a male, in a reasonably high sort of voice.
Either way it's your interpretation
Thanks for the input anyway
Yeah sorry, to be fair this was based on a fairly 'adult' situation so it was hard to venture away from that
Thanks for your input too!
I really liked the imagery in this, besides the kissing and the bottles. And the chest thing. xD
But that's because I'm, well, what can I say..I'm 12!
Overall, I thought this was really good. There are bits that I didn't understand, but, I'm 12!
Keep writing,
Ayra
I have issues with reading songs when I don't know the beat... So I will do my best.
Is this rap? Because generally I don't like rap stories... They get on my nerves. Its like so fast and hard to understand...
Can you give us some clues on who is singing what little paragraph... Is it in a high voice or a low voice?
Common cut us some slack here...
Other than that I didn't really like it. Its got a good story to it but I just don't like those types of songs.
So it's not an actual poem, thus repetition is meant to fit in with the music that accompanies it
And thanks for the loving words
It's my first time
Oh hello sexual inuendos.
I absolutely love this piece.
It makes me giddy inside.
I can totally see this hitting top 40.
I'd have issues with the repitition if it were a poem,
but no, I really like it :]
Much love,
P.