"Welcome to the Third Realm's, one and only, Institution for Grim Reapers!"
A pair of overhead speakers blasted at full volume. Grim reapers of all shapes and sizes poured in through the rusted gates. The institution didn't look like one would've expected, for starters it was HUGE. The towering outer gates were nothing compared to the school itself. About twenty yards from the main gates were stairs leading up to the front door. On each side of the stairs was a rather menacing, classical take on a grim reaper. Y'know, with the big cloak and a scythe permanently glued to their sides. Luke took one long look at the pair and he almost could've sworn they stared back. Feeling unsettled and slightly claustrophobic in the mixed of the crowd, Luke pushed onward. It wasn't until the massive herd of students reached front steps did everyone come to a stand still. All heads turned as the humungous doors slowly creaked open.
A curious creature peered its head out and seemed to examine the chattering students. Upon taking a closer look at the creature, it seemed to be some sort of humanoid, another thing was that it appeared almost completely transparent. I'd never seen such a particular looking ghost, at least I thought it was a ghost. It whispered something, the sound it made was like a gust of wind softly blowing into your ear. It took a bit of straining to actually make out what it had said. "Welcome...to..." The poor creature seemed to be draining its life-force getting more and more transparent with every word. "the...institution...for..—“
"Thank you, Esmerelda!" A new voice announced loudly. The ghost...Esmerelda, or whatever it was disappeared at a moments notice. A tall cloaked figure opened the door but it didn't pay any attention to the students, nor did it speak. It wasn't until the voice spoke again did I realize it wasn't coming from the figure. Perched high up on the balcony, above the two spiraling staircases leading to the second floor, was an elderly looking man. He looked completely human except for a 'slight' deformation on the left side of his face. It was more of a burn scar than an actual deformation. I tried to get a better look of the man but the sight of a familiar face caught my attention.
She seemed to stand out completely amongst crowd, he recognized her as his best friend Alex. Luke and her have been best friends since they were children and as time went on he had even started to develop feelings for her. "Hey Alex!" Luke shouted, hoping Alex had heard him. He was relieved when Alex responded. Luke fought his way through the cluster of people that separated them. A few people shouted in protest as he shoved them but he didn't care. Alex had been the only one who was there to help him through his hard times at the institution. He returned the favor in the same way, he would stay by her side as long as she needed him; although Alex seemed perfectly capable of taking care of herself. Alex tried to meet him halfway, battling through the crowd as she finally took hold of his hand. Luke held it tightly as if he were afraid she might disappear amongst the others.
"Hey, Its been a long time, hasn't it?" Luke chuckled, "Do I look like I'm laughing Luke?" Alex countered, a hint of slight irritance tempering her tone. But it was obvious she meant nothing by it. Luke couldn't help but laugh even more. Alex had even managed to smirk at the joke of it all. But soon they were interrupted by a thundering voice.
" Welcome, young reapers! " The voice announced. It was the Chairman of the institute. He looked down upon all of them. A look that was so stern half of the crowd went into shock. No, not your average scared kind of shocked, I mean genuinely a state of shock. " Enter and choose your house at the main hall, but beware. Any rule breakers will be punished severely and shown no mercy in the process. " The chairman said balefully. The main hall doors flung open and Luke holding Alex's hand, walked into the institute.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,610 Literary Works • 673,552 Reviews
Oh okay, I see this story is something totally different from what I read but in the since something I read. I find it interesting that you wrote a story about reapers going to school. How did you and Leeker come up with the idea. Secondly as I read this I couldn't help but feel like it would have an Harry Potter feel to it. Is that how you see the book? Is that the sort of angle you and Leeker going for or something totally different? Either way I loved it. No spelling error and just all the way around great plot......please write more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fair enough.
Hello there~
The idea in itself, of an institute for reapers, is fascinating. It's also quite original, because no one would be willing to take classes to become a reaper unless they had a very strong reason to--I can imagine it'd hardly be a cheerful job. My main critique for this chapter is that the narrative voice is weak; it's hard to tell what perspective the piece is meant to be written in, because the voice is detached yet casual, much too casual for labelling it as third person omniscient, and much too detached to call it third person limited. The narrator occasionally makes remarks that address the readership ('Y'know, with the big cloak and a scythe...') and even switches to first-person in the second paragraph. Pick a perspective to write in and stick to it, otherwise the readers will be very confused.
Luke's relationship with Alex is nothing short of cliché. It's overdone and, to be honest, I am uninterested in whom Luke has feelings towards when there are other things I would rather be getting to know. For example, who were these people before they came to this school? Why would they even /want/ to become reapers? Are these characters living, or dead? what world is this set in? There are certain details the reader would like to know before they move on. It's hard to connect to the characters if their motives are almost completely absent in the first chapter, when the point of the story isn't exactly clear. In Harry Potter, we knew that the boy who lived would have something to deal with when he grew up, that a magical world would be unveiled that he would know nothing about growing up, and we could tell that there would be consequences of growing up like this. There was quite a lot of intrigue building up there. To make sure your readers continue reading, you have to give them a reason to do so in the first place. Why build a one-sided focus on surface-level character history when you could dive in so much deeper?
It's an interesting concept. I want to see it executed to its fullest.
Hope this helped. Keep writing! Keep it up!
~Pomp c:
That was very, very creative. An educational institution for reapers. I'm excited to see what these "houses" are. Just the concept reminds me very much of Harry Potter. You definitely sparked my interest.
A few things. Who is the speaker? I read a few names, but I could not tell who was supposed to be the protagonist. Also is this supposed to be a third person or a first person narrative? I could not tell because most of the paragraphs seemed third person except for that one with the first person pronouns. This offers a promising introduction in terms of an idea that is both original and exciting, but what it needs is consistency. We need to know if this is going to be first/third person narrative right from the start, otherwise we will be left with question marks over our heads.
Like I said, a decent start, it just needs consistency. And a clear idea of who the main character is.
The main character is Luke, but yeah I think your right. We'll be more consistent further on into the series. I see what you mean.