Published June 9, 2011
I know, my name is very weird. "Rainbow". I didn't know that anything was wrong with it. In fact, it is what made me unique. My story is also very unique. It all started on a lazy saturday morning. "Rainbow! You gotta get up for your first day in high school!". My parents were big shouters. I wasn't really popular at my old school because, I was very goth and people were scared of me. High school could be a new experience for me since there are all different types of cliques. I pulled on my low cut tee with one sleeve hanging down that was red with a big black heart and my black skinny jeans. I hurried up and ate breakfast and headed to the bus stop.
As I got on the bus, it was like an ocean. The bus was filled with a bunch of different people. I sat next to this nice looking girl. She had blond hair with braids, big bright blue eyes, and a skinny face. Her clothes were very cutesy. I attempted to break the awkward silence. "Hello, My name is Rainbow, What's your name? Are you new?" "Hey. I'm Rainee. I'm not new to this district and you are simply not who I would normally hang out with," Gee. She was nice. I bet things will get better once I go to my classes. As the bus rolled up, The school was HUGE. I went to a private school in Florida but in Wisconsin, this was public highschool. There were 2 black and purple flags standing in front on the school. I'm guessing those were its school colors. Oh, I couldn't wait to start my day here.
Sorry this is a little short but critique how ever you'd like. 
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,620 Literary Works • 673,561 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, well at first glance, this is certainly quite short for something that is meant to be the first chapter of a story, so that is the first sort of thing I spot here, but well, let's dive right into the contents here and see what this piece has got to offer.
Right off that bat, we've got what appears to be a child who's got a slightly unusual name there, and appears to sometimes be shunned not for her name but for her love of goth, not terribly sure exactly what this is mean to signify, but we can see that you're trying to aim for a very particular look there as she's getting ready to head off to high school where it appears she hopes to fit in better than she currently does. It does actually make for a fairly interesting start.
Well, it appears that her first encounter with someone from this particular school went rather well for here there judging by the reactions that we've got going on here. It certainly makes for a bit of a wholesome end there, as you can sort of see her childlike excitement and seeing all sorts of new people and then seeing her new highschool coming into view. Its very clear she's quite excited and also loving the fact that the new people she's met actually seem to like her.
So I daresay not a bad start for a first chapter, but it is missing a few things. This doesn't quite feel like enough things here to be a part of a first chapter, it feels like it was cut of a bit suddenly and as if its missing an ending...so you might want to look into fleshing out and describing more in the parts you already have and perhaps adding a few more things to it.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi! Thanks for reading my story!
So, I like this so far. I like the way the MC's personality comes through in so few paragraphs. Still, I do think there are a few things you could change to improve it.
I would second the edits Solvalery suggested, especially starting a new line when someone new starts speaking. As it is it makes the conversations quite difficult to read, because all the dialogue is squished up. Also, there was one point where it switched from past to present tense:
This should be in past tense to fit with the rest of the story, so something along the lines of "I hoped things would get better once I went to my classes." Because if she's telling the story from a perspective of having already experienced it, it doesn't really make sense the way it is at the moment.
From the introduction I'd definitely like to read more of the story though, so I hope you post more of it!
Thanks for critiquing it. The thing is.. it's kinda obvious. An ocean is full of all those exotic creatures and people where scared of her because she dressed gothically. You can dress like a goth person but have a bubbly attitude
Hi Scarlet. I'm here to review your novel. I'll try to read all the chapters that are already up.
One thing that I suggest you is to make shorter paragraphs, that way the reader will feel like reading it. Another thing is to make spaces to separate the dialog from the paragraph. 
Like this:
Something that I really wanted to point out is the next thing; so your character is called Rainbow and she's goth, that's contradictory (poor her) and certainly interesting. xD Why is she so excited? I don't think these people would be so optimistic. I don't know... there is something to think about. Unless she dresses like gothic 'cause she likes it but that's not her personality, if that's the case you should empatisize that.
It was like an ocean? How's an ocean? What do you mean by that? That is something you need to write down here.
Nitpicks:
The word in read should be "really".
Don't use caps in this case, to give the effect you wanna give write "huge" in italics.
You should write two in words.
~Solvy<3
I like this. It really to short to review but I'll try.
I like Rainbow. Even in this short little piece she has a personality.
I don't like Rainee so far, she seems ... mean. Well this needs more,but this is great so far.