I was training with my master one morning until her comm beeped.
“This is Taske, go ahead” said my master, Akelia.
“Sir this is Rex. We're coming to give you and commander some supplies. And there's some rookies here that you wanted to see.” Said Captain Rex over the comm. “We'll be there in 5 minutes.”
“Okay Rex we'll be waiting” Akelia responded.
***
“Commander these are the rookies.” Rex told my master.
“Troopers please take off your helmets,” Akelia commanded.
“Sir yes sir,” said all the troopers.
“Trooper whats your name?” My master asked one of the troopers.
“Ridge, Sir.” the trooper told my master.
“Thank you for telling me your name,” said Akelia “Edise troopers.”
“Hi, my name's Sayia. My Master doesn’t usually pick the last trooper in line,” I told Ridge.
“Hi name's Ridge. Good to meet you Sir.”
“Likewise trooper.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,034 Literary Works • 672,918 Reviews
hey there, yeah I haven't seen even a single star wars movie so don't expect me to get wat u wrote but still on ur work let me review u. ok so u are Sayia and u like this new trooper which is ridge and well u guyz later fall in luv and stuff right?
ur writing skill is great but u know u could've added a little bit more and made it something more well u know...[ I really don't have the words] .good work. I'll try and watch one of the movie.
Thanks dude yeah I'll try and make longer story's
thank
I loved it I thought it was very cute.
It was so cute I almost cried
Also star wars is my favorite TV show and my favorite movie
I rely love RIDGE and SAYIA there my favorite characters.
LOVE RIDGEY .... I MEAN RIDGE
-Sayia Kuchin
Hello!
Based on the setting and the barest minimum of knowledge on the topic, I'm guessing this is a Star Wars: The Clone Wars fanfic. I don't know enough about the series to determine whether or not most of these characters are canon or not, so for argument's sake I'm going to pretend they are and not comment any more on the topic.
Notable spelling issue: 'edise' was probably intended to be 'at ease', which is the military command.
The style here is straightforward. This makes this work a breeze to read, which is a positive.
However, it is lacking in anything other than dialogue and dialogue tags! We, the readers, don't know anything about the setting or the characters outside of what can be gleaned out of the dialogue, and due to the length of this piece, there isn't much of that, either.
The easiest place to start would be to establish a setting. What does this place look like? What are the people there doing? Who are the people there? Just one line on these topics would help this setting feel more concrete.
There is a feeling of a lack of an end here. In fact, this feels like perhaps half of the fic didn't upload! The dialogue 'likewise, trooper' would work on its own as an ending, if you're set on keeping it, but it needs something more than just that to feel fulfilling.
Overall, this piece is really going to need more work to be put into it before it can reach its potential.
Thanks, I'll work on it.
Best of luck to you!
thanks?
Hey there!
But then, if not, you might want to try to make things a little more clearer in this story by explaining a little more, and adding some more content, so that we can catch onto what's going on!
This is a lovely bit of dialogue! I kinda get the feeling that this is sort of a sci-fi story? Or maybe radios just make me think that. In any case, it's an interestingly short piece.
First of all, I'd like to read more! I feel like you could have written a LOT more on this. Even if you didn't have any other ideas for where to take this story, you could expand on the parts you have already. Ways you could do that is by setting the scene for us: where are these people? What does it look like? What does it smell like? Are there any other sounds besides people talking? Then after we've got a good idea where this is all happening, your story might benefit from a little more insight into the characters- why are they here? Who are they? I promise we want to know!
I have a bad habit of using mostly dialogue in my works as well- it's really fun to write what your characters say! But in between time, if there isn't a bit more meat to explain what's going on, it can get a little confusing and difficult to follow the story.
Another thing I noticed is this doesn't really seem to have an ending (another thing I'm guilty of). Sometimes it works to leave people o decide the ending for themselves, but most of the time people like to know what happens. So what's this story about? The tags at this work said it was a romance, so does that mean the two character's in here that just met are going to fall in love? Right now I think it's a little premature to call it a romance, but perhaps you have plans for this in the future? Is there going to be a second instalment? If so, than I suppose that would explain the lack of ending.
Otherwise I thought this was a great start! I could see the MC becoming a really interesting character, and I'm interested to know what this is all about! Keep it up! I hope to see more of you and your works around!
-Socks