Her name was Mary-Rose.
Her smile was always a delight,
And she always had a striking pose.
She was more than alright.
Everyone saw her as a delicate flower,
Some even envied her perfection.
Some were scared of her power.
Everyone was her protection.
Adored and loved by friends and enemies,
No one thought she had a flaw.
She was every young mans remedy.
And she was well mannered from what anyone saw.
But when Mary-Rose came home everynight,
She put two sugars in her cup of tea.
And she put up a strong fight...
against H.I.V
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Hello there!
This is very interesting. I could see the message behind the poem. First of all, your rhyming scheme was good, some parts though were kind of forced, just for the sake that it would rhyme, you know.
Like this first stanza:
Delight to Alright?
I have to agree with Suzanne, try to lessen her description of perfection. It was totally anti-climatic when you portray to us how her life looks beautiful and that some people envy her and then when I came to the ending part, you wrote that she has this sickness.
She was more than alright. Why would you say that she was alright to the fact that she suffers from an incurable disease? But anyways... I have to say this is really a good poem.
Keep writing!
Peace out!
Hey there!
I like the message you have in this poem. It's a good one, and pretty original, which I like.
However, I'm not such a fan about the way you really executed this poem. The fact that you only mention HIV right at the end is nice - gives the reader a shock which is cool. It's the start of your poem that bothers me. There's no real depth to it, and it feels a little bland, which means that by the end of the poem I'm not too bothered about Mary-Rose.
I'd like it if, perhaps, you really developed the character, rather than describing her through actions which could be related to any number of nice people. Make the poem feel more personal, and then the idea of HIV will be more of a shocker. Like Suzanne said, make it emotional!
Hope this helps!
-Amy
Hey there! I see you just joined the YWS today.
Welcome to the site! Have you introduced yourself in the Welcome Area yet? I'm sure we'd all love to know a bit more about you and what brought you around to this part of the web.
If you have any questions feel free to PM me! Best of luck with the poetry.
So you've got a great set up in this poem, and a big shocker at the ending obviously, but I'm not so sure it was well executed. The poem is meant to be powerful and about how even the most normal, innocent people get HIV right? But you spend most of the poem focusing on how she's perfect and everyone loves her - and only the last line saying she has HIV. But all of the emotion in this is buried in the last line, but because the last line is so simple, there's hardly any emotion in the actual poem. Maybe you should try writing less about how perfect she is, and more about how not everyone knows what's wrong with her and she has to fight the battle alone? Something to give power and emotion.
Another thing is that all of this poem is telling. Why not show more? Even though it's a poem, the idea of show don't tell still applies. Try using poetic devices like imagery, metaphors, similes, and symbolism to show more about your character and about what she's going through. Here's an article I wrote a while back that might help you: Emotional Poetry
Great seeing you around the site