Hiya guys, this is the first chapter for a new book I'm writing!
I would really appreciate any kind of help and support you can give me on this!
Thanks,
- Sathalha
*****
The cold, dreary rain lashes onto the deck, while the propeller blades push the little airship through the looming storm clouds. The shine of the copper gears and wires that scale the wall of the ship are damp and dull now, overwhelmed by the fury of nature around us. The metal exhaust pipes that usually let out steam are sputtering and choking, unable to fight back against the downpour of water forcing its way into every possible space. The skies around us are as black and frightening as the darkest and deepest of nightmares, with no end in sight.
What a great way to start my day.
I look around to see where Coco, my partner and my best friend is, and spot her above on the lookout post. The only way up there is a precarious climb up one of the nets on the airship sides, so I curse her and then grab on to start scrambling up.
The ship itself isn’t so bad. A sturdy Caledonian scout airship manned by 20 people, with two main sails and a thick yet flexible bronze hull. It also had 6 cannons and a reliable steam engine. The engine itself was a beauty, a multi-piston copper contraption with a blue-grade spirit crystal created by a few experienced Technomancers back at the academy. I might not know much about airships, but I love anything Technomancy-related, being a Class Three Technomancer myself. Of course, that’s only a hobby. My real job is bounty-hunting, and I’d rather face off a rogue goblin chieftain then stay on this ship a second longer.
I finally reach the crow’s nest and leap over the rim, immediately crouching into a position where the rain won’t attack me on all sides.
“Pretty weather out today, isn’t it Ajax?” Coco is slumped in the nest here with me, and even though I can’t see under her hood, I know she’s grinning like a maniac. Suddenly she throws her hood back and jumps up to observe the horizon, accidentally kicking me in the face at the same time. As I groan and get back into position I see her staring at me.
Coco is without doubt the prettiest and craziest girl I’ve ever known. Her blue-gold heterochromatic eyes and rainbow-dyed hair make her stand out, while her slim figure and well-sized proportions would make her irresistible to men if she didn’t constantly scare them away. Ever since she was a child she’s had an unhealthy obsession with guns and bombs, and she likes nothing more than to cause a lot of damage and destruction at times. She’s a pro at it, and that’s why I invited her to be my partner on bounty hunting missions. Her usual attire of long striped pants, a short vest and her favorite purple top-hat have been replaced by a tight-fitting leather jacket and wooly pants. The hat stayed though. I don’t see Swampy, her technomagical gun, either. That’s probably for the best, I wouldn’t want him accidently transforming in such a tight space.
I slowly move into a standing position and then shout into her ear. “Why are you up here, Coco?”
She laughs and points over to a point to the horizon, then down to a wired communicator in her hands. I stare into the direction she’s pointing and see a ray of light.
“The eye of the storm?”
“What?” She shouts back at me.
“I said, is that the eye of the storm?”
“Yes!” She then ducks down again and starts speaking into the bronze communicator. A few moments later the airship adjusts it’s course to head towards the point that Coco had indicated. I see what’s happening, Coco is up here to find a safe place to head towards to, and then she’s relaying that information down to the Captain in the cabin so he can set a course. A good idea if anyone’s foolhardy enough to climb up to the crow’s nest on an airship that’s almost a thousand metres above sea level in the middle of a raging storm. Well now I know at least two people are.
Coco gets up again, but this time for good. She flashes another maniacal smile at me and then jumps over the side. I’m not worried about her, she pulls crazy stunts like this one every day.All I can do is brace myself and climb back down the way I came, namely the rigging.
Five minutes later and I’m back on deck, somehow more drenched than before. I see Coco at the entrance to the inside of the ship and sprint over to her, eager to get out of this goddamn rain as soon as possible. Something’s wrong though. She seems to be having trouble opening the door.
Coco’s pushing with all her might. “This…door…won’t…. open!” She gives up and slumps down on the floor next to the door. I try and push the door open and she’s right, it won’t budge a single inch. It’s a perfectly normal looking wooden ship’s door with a large keyhole, it shouldn’t be locked while there were still people on deck. This is really getting on my nerves. First the bloody annoying storm and now a broken door. What’s going to be next, a group of thieving Kobolds?
“You know what Coco, I’ll let you have your fun for once.” I sigh, hoping I won't regret this later. “Didn’t you have those new waterproof explosives you wanted to test?”
Her face lightens up immediately and she pulls something out of her pocket. It looks like a small clockwork soldier.
“You carry explosives in your pocket? Are you trying to blow yourself up or what?”
She giggles as she stuffs the deadly toy into the keyhole and starts winding it up “It only goes Kaboom when I let it, Ajax. Maybe I’ll put one in your pocket next time to show how safe it is!”
“I swear; you’re going to end up killing me one of the days.”
“Now, now, don’t be stingy Ajax. And you will really die if you don’t run away from this door in the next four seconds!”
Time slows down for me as I turn tail and get as far away as possible.
Four. I see Coco laughing her head off as she gets behind a lashed-down box of crates for cover.
Three. Where do I go? I’m still much too close to the door and the rain is clouding my view.
Two. Aha! I can hide behind the mast, that should be safe enough.
One. Almost there.
BOOM. The exploding debris flies past either side of me as I lean against the pillar, bringing a brief rush of heat into this cold existence on the deck of this ship. I poke my head out and see a gaping hole where the door used to be. Coco’s already making her way over. I brush myself off and follow her.
“It’s way too quiet.” I whisper as we stand in the corridor leading down from the entrance. The sound of the rain has dimmed slightly here, yet we hear nothing else.
“I don’t know,” Coco shrugs, “The captain dude sounded fine when I finished talking to him.”
I pull out my dual Flintlocks, Sol and Luna. They’re my pride and joy, and my weapons ever since I started bounty-hunting. Sol is a golden beauty, a 25 cm long auto-reloading technomagical pistol, he’s clad in golden leaf and engraved with a little sun on the barrel. Luna is his counterpart and exactly the same, except she’s covered in silver leaf and engraved with a moon. They were both my father’s weapons of choice when he was a captain in the Caledonian army, and he gave them to me on his death bed. They remind me of his strength, and the man I aspire to be.
Coco’s impatiently shuffling as she stares at my pistols. “If you’re getting out your bad boys, let me get mine!”
“Fine, but as long as you don’t have him, stay behind me.”
“You think we’re going to get attacked?” A light enters her eyes.
“Maybe, I’m not sure. Just stay back, all right?” We start creeping down the corridor, furtively glancing around to make sure there were no hidden surprises waiting for us. The doors in the corridor were silent and unmoving with no hint of human sound or light, it felt like we were on a ghost ship. We scaled down the corridor, silent as mice, stopping every time we heard a creak in the ship, ready for the attacking enemy.
Then it comes. A door flies open and a creature jumps out at me, it’s indescribable form billowing around me. I bring up both of my guns and blast where I think it’s face is, causing it to shriek from some unseen edifice and explode into a shower of foul dust.
“What was that ugly black blanket?” Coco pokes the dust, which is starting to settle on the ground. I myself am too shocked too speak. How could a creature like that possibly be here, on an airship between Caledonia and Duitsland?
Coco notices. “Hey, hey, no zoning out on me, Ajax. What was that thing?”
I swallow hard. “Black Enfolders. I…I’ve only read about them in books. They come from far south, from the arid land of Xamacya. There’s no way they should be here.”
“And what do they do to people?”
“Exactly as their name implies. They engulf you and devour you, they’re almost unstoppable if you don’t have technomagically enhanced weapons. And even then, it’s really hard to kill them.”
“So how come you took one down in a single volley?”
I can’t answer that question myself. Maybe it was because of Sol and Luna, but as I look down at them I can’t explain why. “I don’t know. That’s not important right now though. There’s bound to be more of them coming and we want to get you your Swampy, right?”
Coco nods without hesitation, when it’s about her gun she won’t let anything get in her way. She starts running further into the ship and I follow. Whatever’s happening, we’re gonna stop it. Her and I are one unstoppable team.
End of chapter
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Thanks for all the great reviews! I will definetely keep all of this in mind as I continue editing and writing Mecto Amore!
Greetings! I must say this was a very fascinating beginning. Your descriptions were well done and caught my interest very quickly. I do have some critiques, though, so let's get those out of the way. They're most just grammar nitpicks, though.

'I look around to see where Coco, my partner and best friend, is, and spot her above on the lookout post.' Is the correct way to say this.
“Pretty weather out today, isn’t it, Ajax?” Is the correct way to say this.
"As I groan and get back into position, I see her staring at me." Is the correct way to say this.
"That’s probably for the best. I wouldn’t want him accidently transforming in such a tight space." Is the correct way to say this.
'A few moments later, the airship adjusts it’s course to head towards the point that Coco had indicated.' Is the correct way to say this.
“Now, now, don’t be stingy, Ajax." Is the correct way to say this.
“It’s way too quiet,” I whisper' Is the correct way to say this.
Coco nods without hesitation. When it’s about her gun she won’t let anything get in her way." Is the correct way to say this.
'She and I are one unstoppable team.' Is the correct way to say this.
I won't go on because I think you get the point. Nitpicks aside, I enjoyed this. Coco is a very interesting character who grabbed my attention right away. Not sure how I feel about Ajax, but it's soon to judge and I am looking forward to seeing where this goes. Keep writing
Howdy Sathalha!
"The doors in the corridor were silent and unmoving with no hint of human sound or light, it felt like we were on a ghost ship. " The comma should be replaced with a period.
It's ya boi MJ here for a quick and casual review: just analyzing this story! With that said, let's jump into my suggestions. As always, ignore at your will.
1) "The cold, dreary rain lashes onto the deck" I don't really like the word 'lashes' here. I think a word like 'pounds' would be better.
2) " Coco, my partner and my best friend is," Comma should be after 'friend'
3) "Ever since she was a child she’s had an unhealthy obsession with guns and bombs" Comma after child
4) ""A few moments later the airship adjusts it’s course" Comma after later and no apostrophe in it's
5) "First the bloody annoying storm and now a broken door" Is it really a safe assumption for the characters to make that the door is broken since they can't open it? And why would that be so nerve-wracking? This seems a bit hyperbolic to me.
6) "I brush myself off" What was on her? She was sheltered from the debris
7) “The captain dude sounded fine when I finished talking to him.” Has she talked to him recently enough to know that? She hasn't in the recorded story so far, and they did just blow up a door.
9) "where I think it’s face is," again, no apostrophe
Overall, one of the best introductions I've seen in any book- published and unpublished! Definitely the best I've seen on YWS so far. Keep up the great work!
Best wishes,
MJ
Your descriptions are wonderful but your action scenes and plotting need work to sound professional, though they aren't bad by any means.
Character descriptions: A
Lacking the plus sign even though I feel like giving it because it's a writing no-no to just say straight out that "This character is adjective X Y Z." Though in this case it almost, almost comes together professionally and even though it lacks that shine to it packs a mean punch because your characters are so spectacularly written.
Intro: B
Could use some clarification, felt kind of muddy though that's just a sentence-by-sentence timing issue. It smacked of wonderful atmosphere though.
Dialog: B-
I feel as if someone different from the person who is writing the descriptions is writing the dialog. The atmosphere, the tight sentence by sentence pacing, the rather charming characterizations, all of that is replaced with this weird feeling that it's not exactly ... right. They speak weirdly, and it took me a while to figure it out, but I have it now. Your characters are treated as exposition dumpers, not characters. They dump exposition that should be dumped through the narrator, not through dialog between characters. Wherever possible, cut out plot information passed between characters unless it's absolutely necessary or the characters have a teacher-student relationship. I feel almost awkward reading your current work because of that and it's a major put-off that will drive your audience away. You can fix it by working on the timing of your dialog and changing the content
Story: B+
Kind of old-hat but the execution so far makes it okay. Except the part about the two named guns, sol and luna. Come on now, you can figure out cooler weapons for your main character to use. And for god's sake don't name them sol and luna, that's probably the most cliche name for a pair of guns this side of Lucy and Sally.
World: B+
Your names sound like proper fantasy names, which is more than you can say about some writing. I'm kind of cynical about fantasy worlds since I've seen so many of them but hey, you can always make one interesting. Go for it, don't let anyone stop you, and keep a good balance between planning and actually writing.
Overall score: B++
I didn't want to give this an A because it has room for improvement but I almost did. Which says a lot about it. I think this is good for a first story and to be honest I would rate the intros of most published books I've read at this rating or lower. You have to really impress me to get me to hand out high grades in my system. Which means you can be proud of what you do right instead of just being flooded with praise that means nothing. I think this story has potential, especially in the characters. Keep going!
Well thank you for this amazing review, I'll take everything you wrote into good consideration!