Warning: This work has been rated 18+.
Wanderlust
The edge of the city called like a beacon, but Misha felt more like the captain of a sinking ship. One of the soldiers had taken out the stronger of the two horses, and while the other was perfectly capable of pulling the carriage at a gentle cruise, the race towards freedom was too much for it to handle. Misha knew they were doomed even before noticing the black blur on the horizon that meant backup has arrived. Panic clogged his windpipe as their last horse let out a shrill whine before crashing to the ground.
The carriage lurched forward, spilling its passengers onto the rough cobblestone. Misha’s head banged against a jut of wood, rendering his world an unfathomable series of blurred figured and high-pitched whines. Still he stumbled to his feet and tried in vain to ward off the surrounding military. The gun was a life raft, a solution. Quickly, he darted towards the first pedestrian within reach and took them captive. The street paused.
“Misha, what are you doing?”
Innya’s voice was shriller than he had ever heard it, and that was including all the times she whined about his smelly boots and how they hadn’t eaten for a few days too long. She, of course, overpowered Baird’s quiet whispers of confusion – the more intense the situation, the smaller he tried to make himself – but Misha seemed to understand every gossamer breath. He met both of their eyes individually and smiled.
One of the soldiers in the crowd made a break to try and restrain Baird, but Misha’s bullet found him too soon. Another soldier reconsidered his advance on Innya. Misha returned his gun to his captive’s head, the barrel pushed into the child’s temple.
“One move and I blow some fucking brains out, understand?!”
A steady stream of tears started to run down Baird’s face. Misha wanted nothing more in that moment but to hand him a tissue and mutter “man up” like they’d done so many times before. Innya’s loud sobs filled the air and Misha needed to hold her. But they didn’t have much time.
“Baird, take that man’s horse! Innya, grab some supplies from the carriage; some food, clothes, the map – hurry!”
Baird’s body moved on its own accord. Numb legs pushed him up onto the horse, and a phantom arm reached out to help Innya. His brain fumbled for anything to say, any combination of words that would make everything better, that would change this situation around – take them back to last night, or even the night before, or even to the last town they’d stopped in. At least that run in with the military allowed them all to get away. Misha shouted instructions at Innya in foreign, at least that’s what Baird assumed. One last shout and Innya was urging him to move, but he couldn’t spur his body into action. Misha’s scream of frustration startled tears back into his eyes.
“Baird, go now! I mean it! Go and I promise they won’t catch you!”
“Misha, I-“
“I know! Leave now! Please!”
When Baird’s body failed still to cooperate, Innya reached around his middle and grabbed the reins herself, kicking the horse into takeoff. Just before they cleared the perimeter, Baird looked back and saw Misha point the gun to his own head.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
First of, this is lovely. I can see the imagery of the situation you've created distinctly in my head. Kudos.
Also, the incorporation of a regular memory in the midst of such perilous chaos was absolute genius. [reference to the "smelly boots" section.]
Lastly, wonderful title selection.
Good luck.
Can I just say that this writing style is wonderful? It reminds me of when I first got into reading YA; words that had a sophistication to them while still being easy to read and with plenty of action. Wonderful.
That said, this stands strongly as a scene, but not so much as a chapter. For one, I hold a belief that as a general rule a chapter should have scene and summary for the movement of plot (this has summary, but in scene which isn't what I'm talking about). I haven't read the other chapters, so besides what knowledge this gives me, I can't say I know much about this world. That's not a bad thing at all, but a chapter should give more than just names and what's currently happening. The world it is set in should be present at all times, regardless of situation. I can see a more 19th century society based on this chapter with the horse, carriages, and army but with guns. During a fight though, I should be able to tell some of the motivation/reasons behind it, even if it's not told directly in this scene.
Something I really would like to commend you on is the ability to use 3rd person omniscient and switch so cleanly between point's of views that I don't see the switch and just go with it. I was on my second read through of this chapter when I realized that you had switched even though I immediately read from the other character's perspective regardless of wether or not I was paying attention to that. High five!
Your dialogue falls naturally into the story and from what I can see about character personality and past (I like the "man up" thing) it works for what each character actually would say. What I'm not partial toward is the lack of dialogue tags. Those aren't just to say who said what, but also to add depth to otherwise flat sentences. Yours aren't, but I want to know what twitched or tones someone has when saying at least some things (it doesn't even have to be all of them).
Last but not least, you know how I said this remind me of fantastic YA? I don't mean the stuff that book snobs look at and sneer "It's just young adult fiction." I mean this as a great compliment. It's a style that I believe anyone could fall in love with reading and a story that can be liked by a broad range of ages. I saw that you labeled this 18+ for age, but I think that's a bit high. This isn't gory or anything. Beside the shot in the head (and alluded suicide at the end), there is really not that much direct violence in this. I think 16+ is an option and that's the one you should go for for this.
Hope you like my review!