Published November 27, 2010
Clean up.
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey Reise, I'm here for a review!
First off, I found the characters' names to be too similar and confusing. I know that people tend to name their twins something very similar, but it always frustrates me; I'm not that good with remembering names, so it's hard for me to keep track of who's who. Just something I thought I'd mention.
I'm not sure what you mean by a "temperature to envy ice." Could you clear this up?
You said "to make things worse" already, which is essentially the same as "make things even more dreadful"; it's too repetitive, so cut one out or rephrase it so that it's not mirroring what you just said at the beginning of the sentence.
First, "the awake boy" sounds awkward. You could easily change it to something like, "The boy currently awake was in a worse situation than his twin's..."
Second, you've got too many unspecified "he's" and "his" floating around. The green is the boy who's awake, the orange is the boy who's asleep. See how it can get confusing knowing which guy you're talking about when you don't specify?
Not sure how you go from saying it's natural that summer's come and gone and then switch to talking about his present situation. Too disjointed; there's not a lot holding the two separate subjects together.
New sentence after "God knows how long." I noticed you tend to have some run-ons in your work, so it's something to keep an eye on.
Too repetitive, cut one out.
Sounds off. Change the wording here.
Again, has a very awkward, unnatural sound. Try rewording it to give a little more description and a picture for the reader.
Okay, so that's all I have to nitpick on. Overall, I think you've got an interesting start; however, I don't know if it'd exactly hook me into wanting to read more. It was a little confusing with the brothers, and the whipping flashback felt a little clichéd; I've read scenes like it before and nothing really stood out. I think if you expanded some more on your characters, there'd be more empathy from the reader for the boys, which would help to make their story more personal.
So, that's all I have to say! Please PM me if you've got any questions or whatnot. Keep up the good work!
Wow, so first of all I have to say i REALLY like this. Second, I was confused by the random references to a Yuui? Not sure what that was about, maybe a name changed that you missed, or something else?
Anyways, I don't really ever have the time to do really complete reviews, but I have to say that this is really good. Please keep going with it, and keep me posted when the next part is out.
This good write more please (Unless it is done already)
This good write more please (Unless it is done already)