The ghost of her melody, a passionate farewell, rang maddeningly in his ears. The notes were worn and muddled from the plane ride, but the scraps of what must have been a splendid composure to have kept his attention this long were determined and stubborn; they refused to be forgotten so easily. After five long months of affiliation, he could find no other word to describe their relationship without implying too much sensuality, Sebastian only knew Ahmra for her hands. He could recall in detail each joint of her long slender fingers before accurately describing her eye color, whether they were green or blue he couldn’t say. He only knew her for her fingers, only tolerated her for her piano, and loved her sparingly only when she played the keys. Sebastian sighed and closed his eyes. He had no business reminiscing of his life back in France. This was chance for a new beginning, a different start, away from Ahmra and her siren songs. That was the point of the move after all, to get away, not just from Ahmra, but from everything. He whistled a tune.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Heya, ReisePiecey. I'm just popping in for a short review seeing as reason seems to have covered a great deal of what needs to be said.
Anyway, first of all, this is excellently written. It feels like it's a section from some greater piece, but it stands well enough on its own nonetheless, and some of the description really was beautiful. I especially loved this part:
You write with almost poetic style in some sections, and that's good, but you need to be careful not to overdo it sometimes. It's easy to tie words together into a long skein that goes on for so long that you forget how it began, or why it's being said.
This, in particular, feels incredibly lengthy, and I had to read it several times before I even vaguely got what you were trying to say. It could do with splitting up, or rephrasing, because it makes my head ache trying to read it.
I like the way it ends, the last line in particular has me hooked. I don't know much about him, or Ahmra, so that could do with expanding on, but Sebastian certainly seems troubled and interesting, and I would like to read more on this subject. It doesn't feel like a chapter at the moment - more like a section from a chapter designed to draw the reader in.
But it's done that, at least. Good work. Hope I didn't ramble, though I probably did.
Keep writing!
~Dark
This story could do with some elaboration. With some of that, it may garner sympathy or at the very least understanding from the reader for Sebastian. Ultimately, when it comes down to it. Your piece has an awful case of the "tell versus show." Fret not! There’s a cure. It’s called description and added scenes.
Earlier, the narrator refers to Ahmra's melody as a ghost -something that haunts our protagonist. I can't appreciate her ability as a musician because I'm not sold. Did she throw herself into a piece completely? Did Ahmra's, let's say, frail body become dynamic and powerful caught in the music? Is she a prodigy?
I suggest expounding on this. Perhaps, you could introduce the story with her playing.
Yet as the reader we don't know HOW the farewell as passionate in nature. Did he -for example- listen to the last tune as he lounged nearby? Was his back to her? Did he enjoy the music and once she stopped, once she opened her mouth to ask for his opinion -for validation- did he tell her he was leaving?
Or did he warn her ahead of time? Did she think that if she made the most majestic piece possible, that it would possibly persuade him to stay? When she came to the end of the piece, twirled around to see him about to ask if he had changed his mind . . . to only see him already walking away. Did she cry? Did Ahmra throw herself at him, clung to his leg as she threw away her dignity?
What is the protagonist to her? A mentor? The object of her affection?
It's clear that if she held romantic interest in him -it was for naught. He merely tolerated her, after all.
Yet, the protagonist studied her hands. This hints to either fascination or obsession. She means something –even if it’s not her as the person, but her as a musician.
It's evident from this line that the protagonist feels necessary only to dole out praise or affection when she took to the piano: however, we still do not understand the context of their relationship. I'm not invested in the protagonist because I don't understand the rationale. He sounds from all the above: manipulative, cold, and self-centered.
Hold on, there! Her siren songs? This illustrates that our protagonist is lured to her through the music -something against his will. Delving deeper into this would yield the reader a better insight to the character and perhaps, it may allow for the reader to become more sympathetic towards our protagonist.
I understand foreshadowing, but why would he want to get away from everything? Had he been wrong or had he wronged others? Some inkling of what happened would increase our understanding of his actions.
The streets in America were nothing like those back home.
His insinuates that the streets from home, which I assume is France, belonged to him. Now, how are streets “tired and weary”? Are they really “tired and weary” or do they inspire that feeling within him? Are they littered with trash and marked with cracks from neglect?
I recommend doing away with extraneous words.
Rather than starred, I imagine you meant to use stared.
The protagonist describes the apartments as toy blocks stacked: however, children rarely stack neatly . . . or stay up for long. I imagine mismatched blocks both in shape and color. I’ve been in New York City and I have yet to see something that looks like that.
New York is a large state. New York City is known as the city that never sleeps. Then again, he’s a foreigner and his disappointment could be linked to inflated expectations.
Let me get this straight, he listened intently: however, he was focused on distracting himself. I do believe you meant to say IF he had listened intently.
I recommend that you comb through the piece –cutting out extraneous words.
In the distance, muted traffic tempered the night air. Horns honked. Voices rose, but the words indiscernible. Deep in thought, the foreigner traipsed about and hadn’t noticed a shrill scream moments before.
Short sentences give a sense of action, urgency, and need. Longer sentences are ideal for description, thoughts, or musings. A combination of the two creates pacing for a story.
“Or . . . seemed” is completely unnecessary. Rather than telling the reader his attitude is altered, show us how it has been altered by having providing us an example of a sober protagonist –earlier- and him now.
Furthermore, I suggest that you use more variety when it comes to referring to characters –instead of missing out an opportunity to tell us more about Sebastian by using “he”: how about you tell us if he’s tall, thin, pump, short, etcetera?
In short: delete unnecessary words, play around with sentence structure as well as length, input scenes to allow the reader to come up with their own observations, and I believe you may very well have an extremely intriguing piece. I charge you with being a tease for leaving us on a cliffhanger. Also, I put emphasis on Ahmra since without explaining what’s going on there –there’s no conflict. When there’s no conflict, let me tell you –there’s no story. Good luck!