This is just a quick little thing that popped into my head. Tear it apart.
They make their arrival outside my window, on the roof, inside the walls. Tapping. Scratching. I can hear them, I know they're there, but they're not there, and I know that too. So I ignore them, or at least I try.
Tap.
Tap.
Tap.
They don't exist, but they're so loud. Louder than the senseless music blasting in my ears. They work their way through the noise and into my brain.
Tap.
Tap.
Bloody tapping.
Bloody scratching.
And then it stops, everything at the same time. My Ipod dies and the noises come to a startling halt. I look towards the window and feel as if they're going to come bursting through at any moment, sending shards of glass across the room to cut my face. But nothing happens for a very long time. My heart quickens. I'm working myself into a panic. And just when I feel as if I'm about to burst the tapping starts again. For a moment I'm relieved, but then, once again, I'm scared.
"Are you coming in?"
'Yes.'
"When?"
'Soon.'
And then I'm relieved because I know it'll all be over soon.
And then I'm terrified because I know it'll hurt.
And then I'm mad because I know they think I deserve it.
And then I'm sad because I know I deserve it.
And then... well... and then I'm just scared again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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This sentence struck me as being a bit wordier than it needs to be. You had a nice air of tension going on with the repetition and simplicity, but this last line took the repetition over the line into redundancy.
"And then... well... I'm just scared again." would be more effective in my opinion.
Overall, I liked how vague this was without being too vague. The details about "them" and their actions and intentions are enough to give a sense of grounding, but the lack of details about their intentions made for a nice air of mystery.
Aside from what I pointed out, I don't really have any suggestions for improving or expanding on this. It feels complete enough as it is, and fleshing it out more would, I think, take away from the mystery surrounding "them".
I actually just wrote this off the top of my head. I'm thinking about developing it but am not quite sure.
*phone rings*? I don't remember that being there.
I'm also thinking of fleshing this out a bit, actually. It was just a quick something that I wrote when I heard the rain tapping against my window.
I'm a big fan of flash fiction. There is never enough flash fiction, and I feel like it's some kind of rare occurrence. With that said, I wanted to first and foremost thank you for posting this piece. It was vague but good.
I am still a little confused -- at first, and I'm being completely honest, I was thinking of a drug addict. I saw strung-out character, hearing tapping and other mysterious sounds, while fighting the urge to scratch and claw at his or her own skin. I may be reading too far into your story, but the "paranoia" aspect cannot be ignored or overlooked. What was your process? How long did you spend on this piece? And I'm curious... what sort of... "plot" were you aiming for? I know that might not be the right wording, but I think you know where I'm getting at.
I think you did a good job. If you update this piece, I would love to read it again. Very quick, very interesting.