Noevery - 1

Hi! So I've been meaning to check in with you for a while and the rest of the SB crew and just not getting around to it because there's always a storybook that I need to reply to or a review I need to write. Then I realised, I still need to write like another 20 reviews this month so why don't I just write one each for you guys? Since I've already read the prologue of this, I thought I'd choose this one for you. So hello, I hope you're keeping well and at some point I will actually check in with you properly but for now, I hope this helps a little.

Specifics

1. Lovely introduction - the descriptions are really nice and we're immediately launched into Innya's head and that works well.

2.

Her arm moved lazily through the thick humidity. After twenty-five long years, heat had begun to roll through San Guin. The swamps were alive with it.

The description gets a bit choppy here - too many short sentences all bunched up together. But other than that, beautiful so far. Though, I am wondering if Cadburry is a firefly? We don't know much about this world yet and right after he/she speaks we have Innya reaching out toward the fireflies, rather than a description of who or where her companion is. I expect she or he is not a firefly but I think you need to give us that detail so we aren't distracted by crazy ideas.

3. I'm not sure about the perspective switch at the end. Third person does allow you to show the thoughts of multiple people but I'd usually suggest avoiding doing it in the same chapter. For such a small insight into Cad's mind, I think you could have him say something along those lines instead as a parting piece of dialogue.

Overall

This is very short but very pretty! Clearly the boy looks like someone from one of their legends/ seems to fulfill a prophecy and you give just enough details that we can fill in the blanks for ourselves. The characters are reasonably clear and the uncertainty/ adversity Innya has to killing gives a nice distinction between her and Cad who seems to be a less complicated person/ to have no problems with trying to kill a powerful entity. I love that you didn't tell us that they think the boy is powerful but instead showed it in Innya's protest that smashing his throat would be impossible/ a stupid thing to try. That little exchange between them was really good.

See you around!

~Heather

Hi, Sassafras. I promised a review and here I am!

I've read your prologue even if I haven't reviewed it, but in my opinion this chapter makes for a much more engaging opening by itself. I found the prologue quite miscellaneous and hard to follow, but this piece throws us right into the middle of the story and hooks me in.

It gets stronger as it goes along. Your prose can be a little strange at times, but you're brilliant at creating a sense of setting, and I love the way you throw in references to things that the reader doesn't understand yet. It gives the world a lovely sense of tangibility. Your dialogue seems pretty solid too; you use it for exposition while still keeping it realistic, which is a tricky skill to get a grip on. And, quite simply, I'm intrigued. Who is this boy? What trouble is he going to bring for them? You've made me want to read on.

I'll do the review like I did on the Mark piece, with specific comments and then some overall pointers at the end. Here we go.

Innya could taste the energy in the air, a copper tang that coated her tongue and made her cheeks pucker. The promise of change was tangible.

Nice opening line. I love that you chose to focus on taste, perhaps the most neglected of the five senses. It gives it that slight edge of originality.

It wasn’t the exhaustion that turned her thoughts grim - she knew dreary like mothers knew baby’s cries and would be okay, for now - rather, it was a nag that had been ticking away ever since she’d found the boy.

Now I've read it a few times, I get what you're saying, but it took a while for me to get my head around it. It's just slightly oddly expressed. You use 'dreary' rather than the noun form 'dreariness', which is slightly strange, and I'm not sure how much the 'would be okay, for now' bit adds. If you rephrased the full quote as something like:

It wasn’t the exhaustion that turned her thoughts grim - she knew dreariness as a mother knows a baby's cries - but rather the nag that had been ticking away ever since she’d found the boy.

Completely up to you, but I think that just makes it a bit clearer.

She couldn’t explain it, not even to herself. But Dread had gripped her lungs the moment she’d spotted his frail body floating face-down in the swamp, and it hadn’t let go ever since.

I'm getting really nitpicky now (which is a sign that it's a good piece, by the way!). I don't think you need the 'but'. It disturbs the rhythm in my opinion.

Call her suspicious, but she knew, as sure as Summer, that everything would not be okay.

It's maybe not the best way to phrase it. I imagine a lot of people would misread it as 'everything would be okay' seeing as that's how the phrase usually goes. It might be better if you said something like 'she knew, as sure as Summer, that something wasn't right'.

Sidenote: I like that whole third paragraph. It's an example of good exposition - clear, brief and to the point.

His long, chestnut brown hair sprawled all over the carriage floor, and she had to take care not to step on it when she moved.

Lovely image. If I was being really, really picky, I might suggest that you get rid of 'chestnut brown', because I feel like the image is strong enough without bringing colour into it. Be careful not to overload descriptions with excess detail.

Still, he was beautiful.

But the memory of those carnal maple eyes made her heart quicken, too fast to be love and with none of the added arousal of lust.

I think this is why MJ thought that the focus shifted towards romance. Even though you do say that her raised heart rate isn't to do with love or lust, the fact that you bring them up at all puts them in the forefront of our mind. It's sort of like how when you say 'don't think about elephants' you end up thinking of elephants, if you get what I mean. The best way to avoid romantic implications would be to not mention it at all.

Her eyes narrowed as she watched a thin line of drool part his blood dark lips

Again, being really picky, but I'm not sure about the descriptor 'blood dark'. It might just be me that finds it strange. Maybe a hyphen would help, as in 'blood-dark lips'? Though to be honest I think it would be absolutely fine if you just had 'dark lips' by itself.

She twitched a smile onto her face and held out a hand to the mass of firebugs, inviting them to land. Her arm moved lazily through the thick humidity. Spring was well on it's way, and the heat of Summer was starting to roll through all of San Guin. The swamps were alive with it. Innya took a small moment to listen to the rumbling chatter of frogs before breathing in deep and letting her eyes drop.

Lovely paragraph. A few tiny nitpicks, though. It should be 'its' rather than 'it's', because you only put an apostrophe in when writing a contraction of 'it is'. Confusing, I know. Also, it's kind of strange that you say spring was 'well on its way' when you establish in the next part of the sentence that summer has arrived. Surely if spring was on its way that would mean it was soon to arrive? Did you mean to say that spring was on its way out?

“I’m fine, Cad. Just… thinking.”

“How’s the… boy?”

Too many sets of ellipsis for me here. You have to be sparing with them because they really stick out. I feel like you could keep the first, but just have "How's the boy?" for the second line. Up to you, but I'd recommend you don't keep both.

“What are you planning on doing with him,” Cad questioned with the dead monotone of someone tired of asking the same question.

Don't need this. It's telling writing, and it feels a little convoluted to me. Free direct speech is much nicer to read. Also, you're missing a question mark at the end of the dialogue.

Overall Points

I don't have that much to suggest here because I really enjoyed this chapter. You do need to watch your expression at times and take care not to use too many adjectives, but I wouldn't worry about that too much. It happens to the best of us.

One thing I will say is that I don't think you need the prologue. I'm not the biggest fan of them, and as far as I've heard nor are agents. I don't think your prologue adds anything to the story; I much prefer this as an opening because it gets straight to the point. It's a strong first chapter, so you may as well use it to pull the reader in.

I hope this helped. Can you please tag me when you post the next installment? I really want to know what happens next.

Keep writing!
~Pan

Heya! MJ stopping by for a review

Before I get started, I'd like to point out that your prologue is unavailable, so I would like to check it out, but when I clicked the link, it said that the work was unavailable and had been made private. Just so you're aware

Innya could taste the energy in the air, a copper tang that coated her tongue and made cheeks pucker. The promise of change was tangible.

As she rested in the back of the bumping carriage, looking upon the sunset, she knew it would be her last moments of peace. It wasn’t the exhaustion that turned her thoughts grim - she knew dreary like mothers knew baby’s cries and would be okay, for now - rather, it was a nag that had been ticking away ever since she’d found the boy. I don't know if the analogy to baby's cries really helped here, maybe it would be better to just say that she was familiar with dreariness

She couldn’t explain it, not even to herself. But dreadhad gripped her lungs the moment she’d spotted his frail body floating face-down in the swamp, and it hadn’t let go ever since. Call her suspicious, but she knew, as sure as Summer, that everything would not be okay. Again, "sure as Summer" doesn't seem like a very strong analogy

Not that she believed in sirens - she was no hatchling - but damn if the boy hadn’t made her cross her heart and hope to die. What does this have to do with sirens?

He slept now, soft powder-brown skin glistening in the twinkling light of the firebugs buzzing around them. His long, chestnut brown hair sprawled all over the carriage floor, and she had to take care not to step on it when she moved. In sleep was the only time Innya could fully look at him without panic tightening a knot on her throat. Still, he was beautiful.

But the memory of those carnal maple eyes made her heart quicken, too fast to be love and with none of the added arousal of lust. She’d only met his stare once before, but never since.

Her eyes narrowed as she watched a thin line of drool part his blood dark lips.

“I do not believe in Phaelan. I do not believe in Phaelan. I do not believe in Phaelan.”

“Innya? You okay?”

Cadburry’s voice, cool and probing, snapped the girl out of her thoughts. She twitched a smile onto her face and held out a hand to the mass of firebugs, inviting them to land.

“I’m fine, Cad. Just… thinking.”

“How’s the… boy?”

She snorted at the waver in his tone.

“Asleep.”

“What are you planning on doing with him,?” Cad questioned with the dead monotone of someone tired of asking the same question.

Innya glared at the back of his head through the parted curtains covering the space between the carriage and the driver’s seat - which was, where the older man sat, steering the horses.

“I told you, I’ll figure that out whenever we make it to Balzis.”

“If you’d just let me-”

“You’re not going to kill him, Cadburry! Stop asking me.”

“But, if-”

“I said enough!”

Cadburry hung his head, mouth a tight line. He knew better than to provoke Innya's anger, but a similar dread stirred in him as well. The only thing that boy could be was trouble. He knew it in the soles of his feet, as sure as his sword, Baird would bring them doom.

Overall, I think this was a pretty solid chapter, but the focus seemed to change. You started with the idea of change and a new beginning, and then it turned romantic quickly without much explanation. While I don't think you should give us huge info-dumps on all of the characters and the backstory, it felt a little inconsistent. I also corrected a few minor writing errors throughout the piece, but other than that, I liked this beginning! Once you get your prologue back up, I'll probably read and maybe review that too, so I'll be around!

Best wishes,
MJ