PROLOGUE
I ran and ran until the only thing left in my mind is speed. Carefully dodging tree trunks while picking up my speed as I go faster leaving the things that troubled me far behind and yet no matter how fast I ran, those pair of hands will always catch me. I struggled, screamed but all end in vain, those hands are far too strong for me to break through and all of the sudden something hot flowed, drenching my clothes. I realized that it was my blood; the man that was holding me is gone and in his place is East, he holds my eyes steady in his own holding a knife next to his lips and licked it, licked the knife that is stained by blood, my blood. He smiled while whispering “You can never run from me, my doll.” Those words itself was like ice that send me shiver down my spine and I realized that no matter how far or how good I hide, he will always find me. East will always find me.
East holds me and patted my head like i was a little child, and then I could hear him call someone. Hurried footsteps come running in my direction and I could feel my body being dragged back to that place, I wanted to scream, to beg and to do anything that I can so that I don’t have to go back there but it was helpless, I can’t feel my body and everything is slowly going black, I guess East used the poison dagger to stab me.
“This is what you get for being disobedient my doll, but don’t worry, I’ll make you forget about everything and go back to being yourself, my doll.” Everything starts to disappear making the world pitch black.
CHAPTER 1
A hand slowly warped me forcing myself to wake up finding a woman next to me, puzzled, I shrug her off me and worry filled her face, slowly her hand rested on my forehead but I don’t feel like moving it, actually, I liked it to be there since my head is spinning crazily. “How are you? Are you feeling okay Sarah?” She asks, I wanted to say yes but the pain in my head is making me say the opposite. She started to push some buttons near my bed, called some people in and have me take a few injection of something like painkillers I guess. I’m not a huge fan of injection but with my head spinning like crazy I don’t even bother to lift my hands.
As soon as I woke up, a woman in a white dress filled my vision with her gentle smile, she was the one who suddenly woke me up, maybe, I was the one who woke her up in the middle of the night. “What dream did you have yesterday until you can’t even recognize me anymore Sarah.” My eyes widen and suddenly few bits of memories rushed in and I see her smiling as if understanding what is happening. “I’m sorry that I disturbed you in the middle of the night yesterday, I didn’t mean to…” Before I finished my sentence, she lifts her hand as a signal for me to stop. “Don’t worry my dear, as your doctor; it is my responsibility to make sure no harm gets to you.” As soon as she finished saying it, she left, leaving me in a state of confusion.
“Come in.” Dr. Illias's voice can be heard from the back of the door. “How nice to see you up and about Sarah, Please take a seat.” She pointed to a chair opposite of her desk and return to her computer typing something in it. “Now, would you like to tell me what kind of dream you had yesterday?” She asks with curiosity filled her eyes and a bit of concern? That’s weird, why does she look concerned? It’s not like that event rarely happens but if it does she’ll have the same face again, I bet. “It was just something of a devil’s game; there is nothing to worry about.” She looked annoyed that I dodged the question but she’s really persistent to find out and keep on urging me to tell her so I did. “I was running in a jungle really fast but then suddenly a hand grabbed me and pushed me towards the jungle floor. After that a different person came and all of the sudden blood gushed drenched my clothes, after that I was taken to someplace but I don’t remember it that well.” She’s typing, is she typing all these? “Hmm, do you remember the other person’s face or probably name?” A face and a name, not that I’ll remember anything as the dream that I had was always fuzzy when I wake up until simple detail such as a face is hard to tell. “I don’t, and even if there was a chance that I did, I would never know him since I’m always in this hospital 24/7 for the past eleven month and not to mention that past memories are something that I never had.” It was the truth, I am what others would call us Seeker, we are a group of children aged from 15 to 21 years old that has been somewhat saved from the life of a slave to a weapon that was developed in the government’s lab, living almost like a guinea pig with the exception of getting everything we wanted fulfilled. “Well if you ever noticed anything wrong with your head; please call for me without a second thought because you are special Sarah.” Again she goes with, Sarah is special.
I went back to my room after meeting Dr. Illias and stayed there with my novel. A knock was made at my room’s door; it must be Dr. Illias calling me for dinner. I had wanted to say that I wasn’t hungry but thought that she might come and mess up my room with the smell of food made me think twice and opened the door for her. “Don’t you want to eat dinner? Or do you prefer your books being lasagna even more?” With that being said, I quickly followed her to the dining hall, afraid to lose my precious books. “Sarah, the board of director have made a decision to dispatch you in Mountsville that’s south of Central Hospital. You’ll be working with Eian and Seth there. I know that it’s a bit early for you to leave as its only been eleven months since you’ve woken up, since the board thinks that you are more than capable of handling your powers, they’ve decided to make you work.” She looked very displeased talking about this subject as she is murmuring something; probably some sort of curses to the board. “Then, who am I going to live with? Am I going to live with Eian or Seth?” I asks to make her stop with all the nonsense she is murmuring. “Of course not my dear, your assigned parent will arrive here tomorrow so put your act together and it’s best if you behave tomorrow.”
That night was probably the longest night I’ve ever experienced and I’m nervous like I’ve never been for tomorrow, I’m going to miss my shared house with Dr. Illias and I’m reviewing the things they taught me these past eleven months. The first thing I remembered was what they told me, that I’m a Seeker that has to deal with the extras of the world, the Forgotten. They told me that Seekers are around 15 to 21 years and that a Seeker must always stay with a doctor every time including night time and that is why I’m stuck with Dr. Illias all the time, except during the day since she’s a particularly busy person. As I busy myself with packing this and that, I heard a faint knock and see her at the door “Come in.” I said to her She’s awake and that is something rather new, she’s always sleep early to wake up early in the morning. “Do you mind me disturbing you?” She takes a seat next to me. “Well, it’s not like there is anything I can do, you are already in here after all.”
She suddenly leaned over to me and hugged me tightly and then she lets go, I’m surprised, her eyes are watery. In reflex, I hugged her like it’s a normal thing; it is a normal thing except for the fact that I was the one who was hugged. “Haha, this is unexpected, to see you Sarah, hugging someone.” She said jokingly and I could feel tears rolling from her cheeks. “It was always you who gives me a hug to calm me down every time I had a nightmare, so I’m returning the favor even if it’s not that much” I pushed her gently and looked into her eyes. “You are like a mother to me, no, you are my mother, the first one I saw when I woke up several months ago and the first face that I always see every morning.” Something crossed her face, was it pain? It’s too fast and its gone the next second. She said nothing but a gentle smile and left the room.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey, Sarahfina! I see you are pretty new here, so welcome to Young Writers Society! Just post something on my wall if you have a question or something. Open to reviews on my works, too!
The first two sentences were overly confusing. I had to reread it several times before I figured out why it was so puzzling. I decided this: a list of things that were wrong. That's what always comes to my mind if I copy and paste a huge block of words that need fixing. So here I go. 1) Your first sentence is mixed up. "Ran" is past-tense, while "the only thing left in my mind is speed" is present tense. Either change "ran" into "run", or tweak the whole piece into past-tense. I prefer the first choice, but that's me, an eight year old. 2) Abundance! It couldn't get worse. You say "speed" one to many times. Change...it...now...*collapses* 3) Sentence Two is run-on. Here's my brilliant example, how everybody should do it, how the world of reviewing would become a whole lot peaceful...
"Carefully dodging tree trunks while picking up my speed, I go faster, leaving the things that troubled me far behind and yet, no matter how fast I ran, those pair of hands will always catch me."
Now you look at your work and fix it my way. My awesome way.
"I ran and ran until the only thing left in my mind is speed. Carefully dodging tree trunks while picking up my speed as I go faster leaving the things that troubled me far behind and yet no matter how fast I ran, those pair of hands will always catch me."
The second thing I do when there's a block of sentences is an edited version. Basically I edit your piece and you see what I do. And, finally, fix your amateur work.
"I struggled, screamed, but all in vain; those hands are far too strong for me to break through. All of a sudden something hot flowed on my body, drenching my clothes. I realized that it was my blood; the man that was holding me is gone and in his place is East; he holds my eyes steady in his own, holding a knife next to his lips and licking it, licking the knife that is stained by blood. My blood. He smiled while whispering, "You can never run from me, my doll.” Those words themselves were like ice that sent shivers down my spine, and I realized that no matter how far or how good I hide, he will always find me."
And again, I'll make another edited version.
"East holds me and pats my head like I'm a little child, and then I could hear him call someone. Hurried footsteps come running in my direction and I could feel my body being dragged back to that place; I wanted to scream, to beg, to do anything that I can so that I don’t have to go back there, but it was helpless. I can’t feel my body and everything is slowly going black; I guess East used the poison dagger to stab me.
“This is what you get for being disobedient, my doll, but don’t worry, I’ll make you forget about everything and go back to being yourself.” Everything starts to disappear, making the world pitch black."
Yet another.
"A hand slowly warped me, forcing myself to wake up, finding a woman next to me. Puzzled, I shrug her off me and worry fills her face. Slowly her hand rested on my forehead, but I don’t feel like moving it. Actually, I liked it to be there since my head is spinning like crazy. “How are you? Are you feeling okay, Sarah?” She asks. I wanted to say yes, but the pain in my head is making me say the opposite. She started to push some buttons near my bed as she called some people in. She made me take a few injections of something like painkillers, I guess. I’m not a huge fan of injection but with my head spinning like crazy, I don’t even bother to lift my hands."
I'm not going to say anymore, as I think you are old enough to pick through your work. You've got my style, so I'm going to say bye. Wait for it...bye!
-wisegirl22
Hi Sarah
Overall, I like the detailing and I want to know more about the whole seeker and the forgotten prospect. You need to stick to one tense. I've noticed that you seem to switch between present tense and past tense throughout the prologue and first chapter.
Prologue:
I think your prologue is really good which is important so it can grab the reader's attention and keep them wanting more. The prologue is well detailed and has a good sense of imagery.
As for the nitpicks:
"...all of the sudden something hot flowed, drenching my clothes wet."
there's a small error here: " all of a sudden"
Also, it sounds a bit awkward to say "drenching my clothes wet." You could take out the word "wet" since you already wrote the word "drenching".
"I realized that it was my blood; the man that was holding me is gone and in his place is East, he holds my eyes steady in his own holding a knife next to his lips and licked it, licked the knife that is stained by blood, my blood."
This could be two separate sentences. You can replace the semi colon with a period.
"Those words itself was like ice that send me shiver down my spine and I realized that no matter how far or how good I hide, he will always find me, East will always fine me."
This could also be two different sentences: "...he will always find me. East will always fine me."
There's a small spelling error: find*
"Hurried footsteps come running this way and I could feel my body being dragged back to that place,"
This sounded a bit vague: "running this way" What way? "that place" What place?
That's all I could say for the prologue. It was well detailed and good imagery but had minor errors.
Chapter 1:
Overall, I really liked the first chapter. But you have a tendency to write run on sentences
but that's okay because all they are are small errors which can be easily corrected.
There are some small corrections:
"I wanted to say yes but the pain in my head is making me say the opposite, she started to push some buttons near my bed, called some people in and have me take a few injection of something like painkillers I guess, I’m not a huge fan of injection but with my head spinning like crazy I don’t even bother to lift my hands."
I think you used many commas which you can replace with periods.
Suggestion:
"I wanted to say yes but the pain in my head is making me say the opposite. She started to push some buttons near my bed and called some people in to have me take a few injection of something like painkillers I guess. I’m not a huge fan of injection but with my head spinning like crazy I don’t even bother to lift my hands"
“Don’t worry my dear, as your doctor; it is my responsibility to make sure no harm gets to you.”
Replace semi colon with another comma so it can be an appositive.
"Dr. Illias voice can be heard from the back of the door."
Dr. Illias's*
“Now, would you like to tell me what kind of dream did you have yesterday?”
You can take out the word "did" and replace "have" with "had"
“I was running in a jungle really fast but then suddenly a hand grabbed me and pushed me towards the jungle floor and after that a different person came and all of the sudden blood gushed drenched my clothes, after that I was taken to someplace but I don’t remember it that well.”
The word "and" is used excessively.
Suggestion:
“I was running in a jungle really fast but then suddenly a hand grabbed me and pushed me towards the jungle floor. After that a different person came and all of the sudden blood gushed drenched my clothes. Then I was taken to someplace but I don’t remember it that well.”
"A knock was made at my room’s door; it must be Dr. Illias calling me for dinner."
This sentence sounds a bit strange to me. But that's just me. instead of saying "room's door" you can say the door of my room.
I really like the character building and details on the second to the last paragraph. It gives a little insight in the world that she's living in. I like how you ended the chapter with portraying
the relationship between Dr. Illias and Sarah.
I think your story has a lot of potential and I'd like to see what you're going to do with it. The things I wrote were a few suggestions and corrections, that's all. The prologue and the first chapter are very important. The key to a good first chapter is character building and
introducing the setting of the story. I like the prologue and the first chapter. I would like to
read more of this if you plan to continue it which I hope you do!
Keep writing!