The walls are tumbling down around her
and as she cries and screams for help
those that are just inches away
oblivious to see they are just steps away
from a tragedy
someone who is slowly dying but is crying out
she reaches for a hand of the passing people
who only need to take a second to save a life
But couldn't spare the time of day
for such a minuet being
who is this girl
why would they help her
They pass by emotionless
every step in her opposite direction reminding her
of her worthlessness to this world around her
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,033 Literary Works • 672,915 Reviews
Hello!
ILoveBooks is here!
Happy Review Day by the way!
So shall we review now? Okay then!
Another angst poem. Wow. This one is good too. Everytime I scroll down on the poetry list or story list. I always find angst topic. And i couldn't even count how many are they. Oh how I love those feelings. Because if you start with angst poem. You can easily express feelings. Just like me. I am more comfortable with angst than other topic. Because its an easy way to express true feelings.
I like the topic. Very connected. Emotional. Vivid. And wonderful. I like how it telling us how people dont care about other people sometimes as they wont save another person life. And they will just think of themselves. I feel the girl pain. This is how people are sometimes cruel. Even though you dont know them. You should still help them.
Only thing I want to say? There's one line I notice:
for such a minuet being
That should be:
for such a minute being.
And also use more capitalized words because seriously that's how a real format of the poem. Also I think you should use punctuation marks or commas. But that just what I think and suggest okay?
Overall I like it. Continue to write stuff like this.
-ILoveBooks123
wow! brilliant, obvious concerns e.g punctuation, capitals but other than that wonderfully emotional peace, vivid concept, very effective.
A very powerful piece here. I love how it speaks about the callousness of the world around us and how often people cannot be bothered to pause in their busy day to help save another. It is like human decency is on the decline and we are losing ourselves to ourselves lol If that makes any sense?
Only critique, that I have, would possibly use some Capitalization more? I am not one for using punctuation in my own poetry because sometimes to me it is not needed, but using some capitalization would certainly help to drive points home and to alert to a new thought. Otherwise, great stuff and I look forward to reading more from you.
Loved the first stanza, especially the line "those that are just inches away/oblivious to see that they are just steps away"
Profound, but over done, message. What makes THIS idea of being alone any different from the other poems that are parallel to this one?
I liked how you didn't use any punctuation; it's unlike any other syntax I have seen.
I loved it, but I have notes:
You need to work on your punctuation.
You need to use capitals!
Other than those two notes you did very well. You have potential to be great. Just remember to use capitals and punctuation, also try do as many reviews as possible. Keep up the good work! Do your best!
Tigerlilly here to review!
First off, welcome to YWS! If you need anything, just ask. Anyways, I really liked the theme and the structure of the poem, its really awesome. However one thing that kept bugging me was the capitalization as well as punctuation. I was personally having a bit of trouble separating sentences because of how you had randomly capitalized the beginning of certain verses, and you never used punctuation. I think if you at least punctuated the ending of a sentence and capitalized the beginning of each new one, it would really help improve your poem. You did an excellent job, other than those few nitpicks.
Anyways, that's all I have to say on this piece. Keep writing, I look forward to reading more of your works!