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139,216 Literary Works • 672,512 Reviews
The story made a valid point. Everyone is their own individual. We should all embrace our individuality. Although there was a few grammar errors and You used copper a little too much, it was perfect.
This is great. I think it's nice that Copper is so firm in her independence that she would go as far as barfing on her expensive doll and naming it Nicole just to prove she couldn't be messed with, not by anybody, especially her overly snoopy and forceful grandmother.
What I also found interesting about Copper was that her thoughts and mind frame almost seemed child-like, even though she was thirteen. None of her thoughts or intentions were terribly complicated, it was just the situation at hand and how she felt about it.
To be honest, in the beginning paragraph I thought the story was going to be in the perspective of a doll in her doll house, and that it was going to be the doll's feelings and thought about her sanctuary, the doll house. But thinking about it now, I wonder what kind of story you could have with the same exact situation, just in the doll Nicole's view. I'm sure the end would be......interesting but let's not think of that just yet.
Keep writing!
Hi, Sannah!!
I absolutely love this! I've always hated how people let others mold their personalities. If was kind of funny for me, though, because my cousins' dog is named Copper...
The only big issue I found here was that you occasionally went from past-tense to present-tense. Even when you're describing someone or something, when you're telling the story in past-tense the verbs and adjectives in the story can't be present-tense. That can get really confusing for a reader, because they can't tell if it's jsut an error, or some of the story is a flashback, or what happened when. If the present-tense stuff is an effect to add to a flashback or a thought, then italicizing it would show the reader what they're reading.
I also have found one nitpicky thing:
The third sentence there contradicted the first and second, which means that there should have been a transition like "Of course, he shouldn't be..." or "A child should have rights to his own room, although he shouldn't be..." or something along those lines. I also think that, since the last sentence is restating the first idea (which is also the main idea), I feel that 'but' would have worked better than 'although,'. ("But it is wrong for a person who does't own the house to barge into another's room and start telling them what to do.)
That last part may have been personal preference (sometimes it's honestly hard to tell), but that paragraph sort of confused me. Also - although this is entirely personal preference - I'd have preferred if you'd said "a child should have rights to her own room," since the main character is a girl and this is her thought. Again, that's not exactly all-important, but I just thought I'd bring it up.
But other than that issue and ranty nitpick, this is a really awesome piece. You've made me feel like I know Copper without stopping the whole story to describe her, which I always find difficult. (Personally, I think you've always been better at characterization than me. Shhh, don't tell!
Thanks for the great story and keep up the good work!
Your favorite Ranger,
--Ranger51
Lovely story and very interesting. I would like to point out a few corrections though: " Copper takes time to exam the doll"- "exam" there I beleive should be "examine".
It would also be a lot better If you represented Copper in the third person, Instead of repeating [her] name throughout the story.
Wowzers...both the concept and tone of this story is absolutely brilliant in my opinion
, although there were a few grammatical errors etc. Copper really is a girl who embraces every aspect of her freewill, unlike the doll she named Nicole. I found that very intriguing, it got me thinking of a lot of people I know who unfortunately find themselves in Copper's position. Constantly hammered by their elders into being something they resent. I found some parts of your story very humorous aswel, like how you 'see' Copper scream and never hear her. And how her grandmother puts that 'paragon' of a doll into her room, being the snoopy/forceful person she is.
I also noticed that you use Copper's name in almost every line, which is good, given that it greatly contributes to that awesome morbid like tone you used.
Just fix the grammatical errors and some spelling alright, then this story will truly be great.
Once again, great job! and please keep writing.
//Abyss.