Lead Wings

Okay, lean close, I have a secret that will make this a billion times more epic. Are you leaning? Good. The secret: Start with Action!

This is good. You have a setting (this community) and you have a unique character. But you start off just telling us about him. Don’t tell us, show us. Start off with the boy sitting under the table, listening. That means you can add dialogue and description on a higher level. Take a look at Areida’s Beach Boys Kind of Girl and see the way she blends movement and dialogue. But her piece is also about looking back into a character’s past which is what you’re doing here.
Anyways, I think this would be a great example to look at.

Also, make sure that you set the scene well. Right off the bat, I thought this was a little more of an old time setting but now, by the way you describe the bar, I wonder if it isn’t more modern. Be careful to set the setting up early.

Other than this, it seems like a very original idea about a sort of freak of a character.
Good luck and happy writing.

~lilymoore

i liked it. i'm actually writing a story like it. i'm not going to bore you with the details but your story was entertaining. hope you keep on writing.
-amanda

Hello,

Overall, I thought this to be a bit short and too unrevealing for my tastes. There should be some mystery but you didn't really describe the main character at all, leaving the reader (especially me) confused and wondering. Also, a description of the setting would be nice other than the bar. Really, in my opinion, too much focus was placed on the bar scene and not enough on your main character and the "mystery" surrounding him.

Also, there's a few corrections that could be made in general:

SanguinarianXpsycho wrote:You know (should be a comma) I'm not really supposed to say anything...about who I am. It's always been a touchy subject and I guess it's a good thing that my mom forbid (should be "forbade" because you're speaking in past tense not present in this sentence) me to speak of such events. It would probably be hard for everyone in our settlement to digest anyway.

I've never really thought of talking to someone else about my 'problem', (feels as if there should either a "because" here, or replace the comma with a period or a semicolon) the temptation has never been that great...although, that could have something to do with the fact that no one wants to know. No one has ever asked or even seemed curious about the boy (should maybe use the main charcter's name here, or something...) with black, tendril like tattoos covering his body and slate coloured wings, although I'm sure they are.

The people talk about me, they whisper myths and tales about why I am here. They question whether I was born the way I am or whether I was given to the world as a gift. I remember listening in on one of these tales whilst sitting under a table in a local tavern, always a common place for these tales to be told. I was about five years old and my marks were barely noticeable, my wings not nearly as plumed to the greatness they are now, and so I sat there under the table watching the local working men drink beer and smoke tobacco. They would holler old sea shanty's (should be "shanties" because it's plural not possessive) and wolf whistle to (I believe it should be "at" not "to", though it could go either way) the pretty woman at the bar.

After they had ("Were done" would sound better here)done with their drinks and the tavern began to quieten ("Quiet down...?" I don't know what that's supposed to say), the men would all huddle around into a circle around the fire place ("Fireplace" is one word), pipe in their mouths and a beer at hand, the stories would begin. (I'd recommend that you break up that last run-on sentence into two or three seperate ones) I remember a man with a particularly rough voice and dark eyes, his receding hairline and lack of teeth being two of his main age give aways, despite his attempt at preserving his boyish charm and witty one liners. He had a large gut and strong, hair covered arms. He smelt like raw meet (should be "meat") and body odor (recommend putting a "that" here because the sentence doesn't sound right without it, and a "was" after "obviously") obviously masked a little by the stench of beer on his breath and when he lifted his pipe to his thin lips I noticed the size of his hands. Like frying Pan's if I remember correctly. ("They were like" would be better here, along with "pans" not "Pan's", and if you are to keep "if I remember correctly", add a comma after "pans". He was a butcher...I think.

Too be continued...

Hi. Overall I like this beginning so far.

"He smelt like raw meet meat and body odor obviously masked a little by the stench of beer on his breath and when he lifted his pipe to his thin lips I noticed the size of his hands. Like frying Pan's if I remember correctly." I don't think pan should be capitalized and there is no need for an apostrophe. Adding "if I remember correctly" is unnecessary.

So far a lot of things are a mystery. I hope they will be revealed in the next part.

Fine way to start off a story a bit too short for my taste but it has me want to read more!
Yet it still feels like it lacks proper introduction...what is the boy's name? what time period is it? does he have a father?
You have a talent for describing the characters you create as read in your last sentences, yet I didn't feel that in the main character.
Still you did a good job kickin off your story and I will continue to read on!
-Dawn