Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

People think that I have an innocent mind. My physical features seem to deceive them at the first sight of me. My physique shows that I am a fourteen year old girl, as does my birth certificate. But, my mentality seems to be much older. When I look in the mirror I feel that God, whoever that may be, seemed to have made an error. My face is wrinkle free, showing youth, yet my mind is adequately fatigued, and worn out. My brain is cluttered with ideas, philosophies that my seventy year old grandmother had not come across until her retirement years. I feel that my eyes are the only true conveyor of my intellect to my child-like appearance. The border of my irises are a light navy blue, but adjacent to my pupils, is not quite white, nor a picturesque sky blue. A beautiful indecision, neither one nor the other. A glimpse of my journey through my youthful existence, some people may call it adolescent years, others call it "the tough times". Although, while others do not take me seriously as a writer, or anything else for that matter, it becomes a nightmare. But personally, I prefer to veiw it as my individual damnation from God himself.

Here to review!

This is short, so shall my review! I base my reviews on two categories, each with an unamed amount of subcategories that I won't tell you because it is my secret :Grammar and Storyline.

Grammar: I personally didn't see much wrong with this piece on grammar, although I would reccommend clearing up some of those uneeded commas, so that it would be easier to read.

I give this piece a 4 out of 5 (I normally do a 10 point system, but this is so short that I decided to go with a simpler 5 point system.)

Storyline: This is where it gets tricky. I would like to remind you that this is all my personal opinion. I have been a writer longer than I can remember and I consider myself somewhat experienced in the field, but others might disagree. Either way, this is only my opinion, and although I hope you take some heed to it, don't take it to heart.

Enough explaining. In the beginning, I loved it. You detailed it very well, and I took a personal connection to it (even though I'm not a woman) and it moved me and made me want to read more. I am sad that this is short, and I'm also sad about the ending. It doesn't match up to the beginning and it doesn't finish as strong as prologues should. I honestly got confused as to what you were trying to say at the end, but it makes me want to read more!

Overall, I give this piece a 3 out of 5, only because of the ending and how confusing it was. If you give some more explanation to it and maybe try to smooth it out a bit, I think it would flow a lot better.

I want to say this because a lot of writers don't get this, and even the ones that do break away from it because of writer's block or other things. Every story has a sort of rhythm to it. The most important step when you're writing is to find the rhythm that you or the story has laid out and follow it, enrich it. It makes the piece flow better and sometimes it makes it easier to write if you have a very detailed rhythm.

I hope this helped,
Omniyus

I really like this! You don't give much away, but there are some real gems in this piece. Your description is lovely - light, subtle, and not overdone. Your varied sentence structure works well, and the style of writing sounds as though she is speaking aloud, like a monologue. I loved this bit particularly:

When I look in the mirror I feel that God, whoever that may be, seemed to have made an error.