All the things we never had

Confrontation

Austin

“Oh hey there, what a surprise!” the door creaked open and there she stood, her lips stretching into a huge smile.

“ Haha yeah, can I come in?” I said casually, my eyes never leaving her face. How long has it been since I properly looked at her? A year, or two? She was always there, yet I never realized how her face shape had altered slightly, how her nose was higher and her features were all together more matured. And she looked…beautiful. Not just from the outside, but from the energy radiating from inside too, because I knew her like the back of my hand. Duh.

She let me in her house, and it just hit me that this was the first time I was visiting this place. And probably the last.

“Alex, I need to talk to you,” I began, fumbling for words.

“Yeah, sure.” She answered brightly. “Take a seat,” she patted on the couch.

I sat down. “I don’t have much time, so I’ll get straight to the point,” I rambled, ignoring the momentary flash of irritance on her face. I steadied myself. “When are you leaving, Alex?”

Her expression sank. “Next month,” she said quietly, her hands clasping together like they always did when she was uncomfortable. “Pretty fast, right? Time sure flies.”

“Will you be okay?” I questioned hesitantly.

“ ‘Course I will. I always am.” That came out a little too forced. I could tell she was trying hard to pour some hope into her words.

“But I’ll miss you,” she whispered.

My gut twisted. “I’ll miss you too. I’ll miss you…a lot actually.”

She turned to me, her eyes questioning. “What am I to you, actually, Austin?”

My mouth went dry. How was I to answer that?

She must have misread my intentions, because after a several long seconds, she sighed and said: “It’s okay. Time changes stuff. I understand.”

Alex

“No, no, I didn’t mean anything like that!” Austin babbled hurriedly.

I was biting my lip, my insides churning like a hurricane. There wouldn’t be another chance to talk to him like this anyway, so what was there to lose? I might as well hurl everything off my chest.

“Then what, Austin?”

He paused to think, to choose his words. “When I first met you…you didn’t strike me as anything much. But then again, we were children…” He smiled, and I reciprocated. Oh, memories…

***

Stage 1 - Children

Alex’s diary

You have to be kidding me. Why is it that everything I do here has to do with him?

He was staring at me with such a strange look in his eyes. Ew. Creepy. Is this the first time you’ve ever seen a girl, boy?

Then I remember, after a few minutes under his scrutinizing gaze, he got up abruptly and attacked: “ YO! ALEX! You’re in drama too?”

I mean like, shut up will you? I’ve been in this school for just 2 days, there’s no need to make me burn bright scarlett like a cherry tomato in front of an audience of 30 people!

Looks like this new school isn’t going to be too easy on me. Sigh.

Austin’s diary

“Hey stop it! It’s not funny I tell you!”

Oh the irony. It’s seriously funny when she says that, her slender brows pulling close into her nose, her features scrunched up and her lips pouting. And it’s so easy to tick her off too, like what I did today. Girls will be girls.

“Come get it then, smarty,” I mocked, waving her papers high above her reach. Alex charged furiously but I danced around.

“Fine, copy it. Let’s see who fails in the actual test.” She shot me one more laser glare before marching off in a huff.

Okay, I wasn’t expecting that. Usually she’d pester me (entertaining me in the process) till I gave in, but today…she surrendered herself. Uh oh. I’d pissed off someone. A little pang of guilt tugged in my chest, and for a fleeting second, I considered running after her to apologize. But embarrassment built a barrier between my intentions, so I decided to just drop it.

But quietly to myself, I whispered: “I’ll make it up to you, Alex. Pinky promise.”

Stage 2 – One- sidedness

Alex’s diary

The setting sun cast silvery sparkles over the water surface, winking at us as we jogged by the lake, Austin and I. The regular way of idling away time and escaping from home we’ve been doing for almost a year, but I could hardly concentrate on anything he was saying today because… Bryan had asked me on a date! This Saturday! My god, my insides were quivering with nervousness and delight, the thought of it alone conjured up enough excitement to make me forget how to breathe.

Finally I screwed up enough courage to ask him.

“How would guys like girls to behave on a date?”

He halted in his tracks so suddenly I almost ran into him. His Asian eyes became even more Asian as he did his classic interrogative stare at me.

“I don’t know. I haven’t been on one. Why, did someone ask you?”

I wasn’t expecting such a sharp, hard tone. Had I said anything to piss him off? I think I had. I looked down at my feet, not daring to meet his eyes.

“You…haven’t been on a date?” I asked, half teasingly.

“No.” He replied curtly, his expression unreadable. I bit my lip. He was angry all right, and I didn’t get why.

“Hey, where’s that smile when I want to see it, hmm?” I nudged him.

The tiniest hint of a smile bubbled on his lips at my words. He sighed.

“Just be nice, be yourself. Guys like that.” He said gently. Then, more softly, he added:

“I would.”

Austin’s diary

Look at her. Just because she’s with him, she thinks she’s the luckiest person on the planet. I can’t understand this dating shit.

The girls in our year, wow. Is 15 like the age to start desperately hunting for a partner? How come I just don’t see it that way? And Alex being one of them too. Bryan’s a freaking player and all of us guys know that. I’ve tried to hint that to her, trust me, I have. But they say love is blind, and Alex…Alex is blind to whatever I say nowadays.

At least she’s happy.

Stage 3 - Distance

Austin’s diary

We won! Wow! This year’s basketball team was the bomb! Ma boyz, they were awesomeeeeee….

So we ended up celebrating with everyone we knew in the school, outside school, our friends, family…I thought I had told everyone. Until at night the text came.

“You won? How come you didn’t tell me?” read her message. Oops.

“Sorry, was busy, am busy, talk to you later?” I was at our celebratory party. I had no time to socialize with my phone.

I guess it served me right that she didn’t reply.

“Hey, not even a congratulations? Why you so mean? ” I texted, meaning it to be a joke.

An hour later, the phone buzzed, and I checked it.

“Sorry then, and congrats. Bye.”

A sudden wave of anger grabbed me and I chucked the phone to the side. A crack made me wince. Damn, mom’s gonna make me pay for that lamp, but I wasn’t worried about that now. What bothered me was how, this year, Alex and I were almost strangers, if not enemies.

Bryan changed her after he left, I swear. And I didn’t do anything much about it.

Alex’s diary

Stresssssss. Argh. How did school turn to being like work? Directing the annual drama, playing my tennis finals next week, and on top of that, new classes and more schoolwork. Sigh. Well, its called being productive, isn’t it? Better than getting involved in nonsense that don’t wield any benefits, like…him.

On the other hand…I’m watching my world from a different planet these days. Am I too wrapped up and bogged down by work? I’m making tons of new friends, some say I’m even getting popular. But in a sea of people, I feel alone.

Austin and I don’t share many classes this year. Oh well, he’s busy with his stuff anyway. Do I miss him, my oldest friend here in this school? Sometimes. Whenever we happen to cross paths, that old, familiar smile brings me back to a time when things were much simpler, when innocence could guide me through my days. I miss that, to be honest.

But work is work, and whatever I do now will be important to my future. Time to leave the past behind and move on.

Stage 5 - Bittersweet

Alex’s diary

She has to put her arm around him whenever I’m there, doesn’t she? Little bitch.

Why the hell did I just say that? I’ve never had anything against her.

Sigh. How did this all begin? Just out of the blue it jumped out at me, and I never saw things the same way again…

So how long had it taken me to realize everything I was looking for was right in front of me? Four years. I was four freaking years too late.

I know you’re trying to make up to me for the lost time between us, now you have her. But hanging out with 2 of us at the same time isn’t going to work, Austin. Watching you laugh with such sincere happiness, a part of me glows with warmth, while at the same time, another part just slightly dies because right in front of my helpless sight, lies your hand in hers. And I hate myself for feeling this way, because you were never even mine to begin with.

Welcome to the friendzone, Alex.

Austin’s diary
Tiffany decided to bail today. Again. Seriously, I’m losing my patience with her. I know, she’s cute, she’s smart, she’s funny…but sometimes, I just feel…underappreciated? Are girls all like this? No, Alex wasn’t. Alex was always different. But Alex and I were never in a relationship. I didn’t even know what Alex and I were. Friends, yeah, so why do I still feel guilt, peeking its ugly head out once in a while whenever I’m with Tiffany?

So what should a fine young man do on a bright sunny Friday afternoon?

I didn’t know why I did it, but I did, and it changed everything, yet changed nothing.

***

Austin

“And so…that leads us to today,” I finished. Wow. 4 whole years compiled into an afternoon.

She didn’t answer. I cast a wary glance at her direction and gave a start. My god. She was crying. Alex. Never. Cried.

But then again, what else was new? I’d learnt more about her in the past few hours than I thought I did in all 4 years of our friendship. When she told me she cared about me in that way…it was just unbelievable.

What I learnt about her, though, couldn’t beat what my inner core exposed. Because I finally realized who was the girl I loved for all these years…and it was now too late.

And it breaks my heart to see her like this now.

Alex

“How would you like it…if we tried again? Properly this time,” said Austin slowly, carefully.

I stared back at him through my tear filled eyes. For a moment, my heart lifted, but the next moment it just thudded back down.

“There is no point, Austin. I’m leaving for L.A. tomorrow. It just wouldn’t last. We had our chance, but we didn’t take it. I…I have to leave my past behind now,” my voice wobbled dangerously.

These words, each like a dagger stabbing into my heart. Making all the regret course through my veins. If only we had known. Bryan could have been Austin, Tiffany could have been me. If only, if only…

“I’m sorry,” Austin whispered. My tears still couldn’t stop flowing.

“Please stop crying, Alex,” Goodness, he was begging. He looked positively stricken.

Then he did something that totally caught me off guard. He leaned over, and before the scene produced any sense, his lips pressed against mine. For that one moment, the world stopped spinning. Time froze, slowing down just for us to take in that one second that lasted a lifetime. That one second that took us back on a journey that could have been, but never began.

Our kiss ended, but our arms stayed clutching one another like a lifeline from drowning in an ocean of sorrow.

“That,” he said, “Was for all the things we never had.”

It may not be a romantic story for your case, but isn’t there that one person that could have been something wonderful, yet remained as mystery till the depths of forever? Despite all the things we have, ever thought of all the things we never had…?

Say a little prayer tonight. Maybe, just maybe, you will meet these “things” in all your lives to come.