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Life of Dustin Chapter 1: Getting To Now Dustin

by SammyInTheHouse

Hi My name is Dustin H. Im 15 years old, I go to Payten, First year of highschool and Im gay. Im also a victim of ullying. I Get bullied alot , called names , harrased but eh Im use to it. I have long black hair that reaches to my neck , Im 5 ft tall, I weight 102 pounds, I got white pale skin, and I go brown eyes. I dont have family and friends. My parents both died in a car accident on my sixth birthday so right now I live with my nana. Well Its tme For me t walk to my school bus. He walks all the way to the bus stop wearing his red hoodie, black converese, skinny blue jeans, and a white shirt while his hair covers his left eye. 2 students aproched him as he waits paciently Dustin P.O.V I looks at the 2 people walking towars me those where Mike and Simon. They are my schools football team, major papular, and they are bunch of jerks but the weird poart is im inlove with one of them that is mike. Oh he has those dreamy eyes that glow like the sunsit, he has that sexy tan skin and six packs,with his long spiky hair. Gosh so attractive. But eh he will never love me sense he is straight eh what ever. I start to walk inside the school bus as simon pushes me into a random seat " Can you walk any faster"He said as I look into his darck black eyes as he smirks Sorry I dont do faggots he smirked. I looked away and sat down correctly as Mike touched Simons shoulder softly "Lets just sit down before any more problem start" smile softly as I feel like he cares about me " Tch fine. Later Loser Simon said.Gosh bunch of weirdos why cant they leave me alone.But Im use to it. Mike bothers me. He picks on me on math classwhile I`m doing my work he throws papers at me to annoy me. Gosh it`s so cute when he tries. I see the bus stoping as students get up and are ready to leave the bus. I got up and waited to be the last one to get out. I got out and started to walk inside to my school then head to math class where my first period is Algebra. Shit I have to be on the same class as Simon. I roll my eyes and I walked slowly to the class as somebody shoves me to the wall. It feels like somebody put alot of pressure into it. I see Simon smirking "Awww the little fggot got pushed why don`t you make your self usefull and crawl on your legs like a good bitch you are" I tied to push him of off me as somebody tackels Simon down to the floor. That person wasent mike and I defently din`t know this person must be a new student eh. " What the fuck men"Simon said. The mistories person had a red hoodie on. His skin was tan, he had black hair that is a little shorter then mine, he looks like 6 ft by 3 inches and he looks serios kind of person. " Tch I hate people like you" He said as he looked at Simon " What ever mind your own buissness" He said as he head up to algebra and as I looked up to the person who tackeled my bully down. He looked at me with hos darck huge eyes and he helped me up " My name is ......" TO BE CONTINUE!...... Tell me what you guys think. Should I continue?

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92 Reviews

Points: 9651
Reviews: 92

Sun Nov 24, 2013 11:55 pm
InfiniteSnowfall wrote a review...

Hi Sammy!

Just a few quick thought...

So, the chapter is in a whole block of text. Instead of doing that, make paragraphs. Also, each line of dialogue should be separated into its very own paragraph. If that doesn't make sense, look at a published book and see how they did it.

Secondly, grammar, spelling, punctuation, and everything plays a huge part in writing. If it's not your strong suit, ask someone to read over your work and proofread it. Whether it be someone your parents, friends, or even someone on this site, it will help a lot.

Third. Try not to 'info-dump' the readers. Let's rewind back to elementary school and remember what teachers always said: "Show, not tell."

So basically, try not to start off a story with "Hi, my name is Whatever! I'm sixteen and live in...". You get the idea. That kind of information should be found out slowly throughout the story. Maybe through dialogue or descriptive details.

Start off with practicing those three things and you'll be whipping up amazing stories in no time!

Yours till the Chocolate Chips,

P.S. You can always ask me if you need help or would like me to proofread. :) Oh, and welcome to YWS!!

User avatar
308 Reviews

Points: 31200
Reviews: 308

Wed Nov 13, 2013 12:20 am
GoldFlame wrote a review...

Hey, Flame here with some quick thoughts!

First off, welcome to YWS! I really hope that you'll enjoy it here.

So...I'm sorry that I can't give much of a review. I see what you're trying to do--create something emotional--but it's really not capturing my interest. You need to elaborate on details, rather than just all-out stating facts (how is the character bullied?), as well as building suspense.

I admit that I didn't finish all of this; the huge block of text was a bit disconcerting. Breaking it down would do a lot for the reader.

I hope that you'll forgive me for being hard on you. These are just my suggestions to you, but I guess that the most important part is that you have fun writing, so...happy writing! :D


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25 Reviews

Points: 1182
Reviews: 25

Tue Nov 12, 2013 2:32 pm
Spearhawkdude wrote a review...

The idea of this story is really good, but you sort of handled it the wrong way. :( The grammar was, I've never said it before on this site but, it's terrible. You should start taking a second look after you finish, or even get it looked at by someone who can speak English well. Even I wouldn't mind going through your stuff once in a while. You also didn't spell barely any of the words right. I think you spent too much energy on stuff like a gay teenager being called a faggot, instead of what you were supposed to pay attention to, like the story. I don't mean to be mean at all, I'm trying to be nice but the grammar and the spellings really destroyed it for me. :( Please don't get offended, this just meant to be criticism, and I don't want to make you feel bad at all. Good luck :D .

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