If you haven't read my first piece. I advise you read that first, because this one picks up from there. Also. People who asked for a sequel, before you read this, keep in mind that... Sequels usually suck. At least mine do. :P
The link to Burden: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=93875
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After what seemed like hours, she picked herself up off the floor. Her legs telling her they wouldn't hold her weight. She felt him stand up behind her. She turned to face her savior, careful to avoid eye contact. She studied him quietly with her bloodshot eyes.
In an attempt to get a better look at him, she took a step back. His arm shot out grabbed her. She froze on spot and surveyed the hand holding her wrist. After several moments of silence she eased her arm out of his grip. She looked up into his eyes. Then in an almost inaudible whisper she said,
"You'll regret this"
Her tone wasn't one of Anger, or even Sadness... If anything it was Pity. She kept eyes locked on his until she saw the confusion settle in. Then she walked towards the stairs, slowly and as steadily as she could, bumping into him on the way.
They were in the same grade. A long time ago they had been friends almost. But now they didn't talk much. They simply coexisted without caring, or really even knowing about each other. On her better days, her happy days, she perhaps interacted with him. Said hello, even made a joke.
But that day, one of her worst days, she realized her act was getting weaker. She avoided her friends best she could. She knew they would see through her. She knew they knew what might cross her mind. And she feared the would talk her out of it.
Once the bell had rung she hugged her books to her body and walked towards the stairs, against the rush of the crowd coming down. She bumped into him and dropped her books.
"Oh Damn. Sorry," he said as he stooped to help her pick up her books. She muttered something about it being okay before she started walking up the stairs.
"Hey, you alright?" he called out to her. She kept walking as though she hadn't heard.
As she turned the corner she muttered to herself, "No, I'm not."
As she headed down those same stairs she tried not to think. She knew he'd check on her. And she knew he was already next on her list. She sat on the stairs. Her legs refusing to carry her any further. She closed her eyes and leaned against the wall. Wishing that this was all a bad dream that she would soon wake up from.
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140,181 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Hey, so sorry it took so long for me to get here. I've been sooo busy these last few months; college study.
I reviewed the first part again, to refresh my memory. Now I'll review this piece.
Oh and just to clear something up for you, sequel is what follows the prior piece, a prequel is something that happened before the prior piece. So if this happened before the piece you wrote before, it'd be a prequel.
Anyway, umm ...
'Anger, or even Sadness... If anything it was Pity.'
No need to have these capitalized.
This is intriguing:
'She knew he'd check on her. And she knew he was already next on her list.'
I like the concept, but I think it's on the same wavelength as the first piece, by which I mean it sheds no extra information, just weaves more intrigue of the same kind. "Victims"
I think a quick, even one sentence, description of her savior would be a nice touch, shed some light on him and make it a better visual. It's all still pretty vague in my mind.
Anyway, that's all I have to say about this.
Very interesting.
I will preface this by saying that I haven't read Burden. That said, I tend to prefer sequels that can stand alone, and while this partially can, there are some questions that need answering that aren't, which makes this feel rather rushed and unfinished.
For instance, hints on what she'll actually be doing to him would be nice. Right now, things are way too vague, and makes for an unsatisfying sense of "something bad will happen".
Second, why are certain words (like "Pity") capitalized? It seems a bit arbitrary.
Lastly, adding to the rushed/unfinished feel of the piece were your sentence structures. Some of them were fragmented ("Her legs telling her they wouldn't hold her weight.") or run-ons ("His arm shot out grabbed her.") which made the reading a bit choppy.
Smooth these things out, and you might just get a more chilling, gripping tale. As it stands, this was interesting enough to make me finish it and take a peek at he first part, but not particularly compelling or gripping.