Where Darkness Surrounds
However will I see,
How often will I breathe,
In the cage of exterminated dreams,
When will I ever leave,
Bitter as the sea,
Where the art of lonliness seeps,
Love will never be,
Where the darkness surrounds,
The heart as concrete as stone,
It's where I stand alone,
Minor chords set the tone,
In this horrid wretched zone,
The sun has never shone,
In a place no ones' known,
Where hope is never thrown,
Where the darkness surrounds,
But why am I grounded,
Never to be founded,
My heart awaited to be pounded,
For darkness has surrounded,
The bells of labor sounded,
For I am violently bounded,
Nothing perfectly rounded,
Where darkness surrounds,
More Than Just Life
It’s more,
More than just a hug,
More than just encouraging words,
It’s more than just a simple kiss on the cheek,
And it is much more than a quick hello and a warm greeting,
It’s more than just that shining smile that makes you want to stay,
It’s more than that “Please come back” when you tend to walk away,
It’s deeper than a pond, wider than a lake, and not twice as great as the seas,
Much more satisfying than the rush of wind and the medal when you defeat,
Better than having a tantrum when you are enraged or just mad,
It doesn’t even compare to when it rains when you’re sad,
It is lighter than a leaf and warmer than his hand,
It’s not as terrible when you let it go,
Plus you feel it when you float,
Tears of sadness,
Tears of shame,
Internal Conflict
Do what you want,
Is all I ever get,
Whatever your heart desires,
In my way forever sent,
Mostly cloudy,
Is the forecast of my heart,
My mind doesn't even,
Know where to start,
My insides are desperate,
My heart is as treacherous,
My mind--a scattered mess,
My tongue speaks foolishness,
My words seem reckless,
But they turn out venomous,
My eyes will never rest,
For internal conflict,
Do what you want,
Is all I ever get,
Whatever your heart desires,
In my way forever sent,
Mostly cloudy,
Is the forecast of my heart,
My mind doesn't even,
Know where to start,
How?
How am I supposed to live life when life keeps throwing obstacles in my way?
How am I to face tears when the crying won't go away?
How am I to stay strong when the people I love won't even stay?
How am I to love you if my love has turned to hate?
Melodies and Harmonies, It's all is a big symphony,
The string are playing,
The horns are making,
A big sound that the world alone can hear.
Focusing on nothing but the air is hard,
When you have pollutants roaming around,
When screams are the only sound,
And people that let you down,
How am I supposed to live in a world that has made a mess of itself?
How I am to stand tall when I have a scraper in my face?
The same way he did,
I will do,
He endured all,
All he to deal with,
One he had a focus,
And last he accomplished his motive,
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello there! Unknown391625 here with a review!
First off, here is the coldest, most hardest of all truths. I LOVE IT! You have definitely pleased me! Though, I have only one nitpick. You started it out with a line, first letter of the first word capitalized. And then you ended that with a comma, and you capitalized the first letter of the first word on the next line, ended it with a comma, and continued that pattern every single line. It's not my favorite, but it's okay if you like that. Otherwise, it's a great poem! I really like it! It rhymed in different patterns. Your formatting is amazing. I love that format! I would like to see more literary poetic masterpieces by you! Don't five up and always write!
-Unknown391625
Hello, this is Sybil to leave you a review or so...
First, I just really loved it! I sensed the emotion of your piece, the sort of melancholy bitter sweet lyrical story! It was very well constructed and your imagery was nice!
With the corrections, I agree with Inspiredravens' comments
All he...had to deal with? All he dealt with?
And at last? Or just retain, it's still good
Loved the poem and it's inner desperation of the flaws of what we call the society that we move in. Very nice
Keep it up! Keep on dreaming!
-Sybil (WaltzingDreams)
Hey there! *trumpets sounding* I have come to review!
So I guess since this is a poem, I will just start:
My first words of advice is that you need to not capitalize every line and not put a comma at the end of every line. Punctuation and Capitalization should be written just like how you would write a paragraph (that includes question marks as well, because I did see a few questions in there that still ended with a comma), that being said, I will continue on to quotes:
I don’t think that “bounded” is a word, but it is your poem, poems are art, art is creative and interpretative and so it is up to you whether or not you change it. I just thought that I’d point it out…
As treacherous as what?
If you are doing a dash there then you only need one, or else you can change it to “is”
Typo: make “string” plural
Overall, nice poem. Kind of long and oddly broken up with the bolded titles and different spacing (although, YWS will do that sometimes). I liked it, especially the art form of the diamond in the middle, but the rest needs a little stanza spacing and clumps of lines since some seemed to belong together in a astanza and some did not. Its also a bit easier on the eyes as well when there are places to pause hahaha.
Over all, well done- keep it up!
Happy Writing!