An Angel’s Entrance ( To Saqib With all my love)

Samar -


This is pretty pale, dull stuff. A snoozer that does not rise above the flat-lining letter home to a lover. Language too ordinary, fatigued by little investment of skill. Absence of an original compact poetic voice, colorful language, imagination. Less engagement than a letter to the gas company.

Cliches include soul-lighting, eye twinkles, etc. Need more suggestive language. Your pen lacks the energy level and vision to accommodate the stuff of poetry.


Best,
Brad

I agree with cadmium. The silly-sounding words as used here do not create humor, nor would humor fit with the emotion of the poem. "Never ever" does just sound childish, and perhaps this would be ok if that was the intent, but it's not. This just comes across as a string of cliches and soppy adjectives. If you're going to write a love poem, you're going to have to make it pretty original, since it's been done by every poet at least once. Some tips:
1) Take out all cliches and over-familiar phrases.
2) Tell us something about your subject and yourself, not just how you're feeling.
3) Do this subtley, through images and details and specifics. Show don't tell - meaning don't say "I was embarrassed", instead say "Roses appeared on my cheeks".
4) But don't actually say "Roses appearred on my cheeks" because it is a boring, unoriginal way to say it.
5) Use interesting words, inventive phrases, strange vocabulary. Make something jump out at us, make us say "oh, I don't here that word very often".
6) Make it radiate your own personal style. Give it flavor, something that allows us to recognize it as coming from you and not the millions of others who write love poems.
7) Don't just stick words in because they sound good - make sure they have some meaning or reason for being there.

With this last one comes my critical view of the whole "shadows" thing. Shadows do not twinkle - it's not in their natures, it defies their definition. Those lines sound good together but that doesn't mean they don't need work. If the readers have to stretch to believe it, it's not that good. That line needs changing, in my opinion.

This poem has the feel of one that was written very quickly and spontaneously and didn't suffer much revision. I would advise you to either edit it thoroughly or start again. Part of the trouble you're having is the fact that love poems, being written many times over, are difficult ones to write. Try starting with something easier, like a poem about your shoe or your baby brother.

Keep writing, keep editing. Enjoy the learning process.

Candmium, "silly sounding words" are to make the reader have thoughts of humor, and humor is most commonly assosiated with love, actually in many cases. and, the eyes are twinkling because he is perfect shadows are to represent the thought or, abstract object of ,dream, being there.

shadows can twinkle

"Couldn’t have been better, couldn’t have asked for more

God has given me every thing by making you mine"


First of all ",Couldn't have been better," and ",couldn't have asked for more," should deffinetely be two different ligns for the sake of rhyme rythum and the syllabolic form of the poem.

Second of all",God has given me everything by making you mine," doesn't fit the syllabals and rythum at all, even if it were broken up.

The last two lines also don't fit the syllabals, I say make the second to last lign shorter by atleast 2 syllabals probably three.

But besides all of the critisism, you have a nice but over-used poem. If you went for that, then Congradulations. It is nice even though it is over used, don't worry everything to do with "love" is over-used, and sarrow, but keep writing.

I would love to see some of your work if it was original=) =) happy reading (=

This poem is really nothing new. It sounds like a country song. However, if you do wish to take the time to improve it, it needs a lot more puncutation, but the ellipsis at the end should be taken out. When they're at the end of poems, the finish is kind of sketchy and the reader feels like he or she is missing something. Make it definite and put a period there.

The dancing shadows of your dreams
Twinkle brightly in your eyes

Can never ever be described

Making you more loveable