Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
A dull thud rings out as I am thrown violently against the high school’s metal lockers and my books fall to the floor. An arm pressed to my throat cuts off any protests. Jerome, Desert Christian High School’s (private Christian academy) biggest bully, snarls in my ear as I try to escape. I am here because it’s after school and the two of us just left our English class; Jerome, big, built, blonde hair, typical jock look, pushes me around every day for one very stupid reason.
“Thought you could make a fool of me, huh? Think again, fag.” Jerome growls.
“I didn’t mean-” I start but Jerome cuts me off.
“I don’t care what you meant.” He says.
Jerome pulls me forward and slams me back again.
“How’s your boyfriend, fag? I heard he’s dead now. That true? Heard it was your fault, heard you killed him. Bet he’s in Hell, screwing the devil himself. Don’t ya think so? Probably hates you for what you’ve done to him, don’t ya think? Is it true, did ya kill him?” Jerome laughs as I whimper.
“Please, just let me go.” I beg, tears threatening to escape.
Jerome says nothing; only punches me in the stomach, hard. A shout from down the empty hall causes the angry bully to pull away from me. I slump slightly in relief, but know better than to run away. I look toward the voice and see the new student, Caine, marching towards us angrily. As I watch, I take in the new guys features. He has dark brown hair that hangs to his ears, stunning, bright blue eyes, light brown stubble, barely noticeable, and a slight tan. He is built, but not huge; lean. He’s a bit taller than Jerome and looks stronger.
“Why don’t you leave the man alone?” Caine demands of Jerome, grabbing his shoulder.
“Hey, you’re the new guy, ain’t ya?” Jerome asks, feigning amusement.
“Yeah, what’s your point?” Caine asks.
“Well, you’re new here, you don’t know this kid, but I do, so let me tell ya somethin’.” Jerome starts, placing an arm across my shoulder. “He is what we here call a ‘fag’. He’s gay. He screws and gets screwed in the ass. He ain’t worth your time. Guys like him; they go to Hell for their actions. They deserve to be punished.” Jerome explains.
“Also, because he’s high and I pissed him off in class.” I manage, trying to look stronger, which earns me an elbow in my ribs.
Caine’s nostrils flare and momentarily there’s a furious fire in his eyes, but he stamps it down and regains his calm composure. “I am guessing you have a problem with gays then?” He asks.
“Damn right I do. They’re disgusting, murderous, sinful, sorry excuses for human beings!” Jerome states hatefully shaking me roughly.
I shiver at his degrading words and Caine snaps. I can see it in his eyes. He grabs Jerome by the collar and throws him against the wall opposite of the lockers.
“We of the gay community are usually the nicest people you could ever meet, whereas straight fuckers like you are the ones who parade around killing, beating, degrading innocent human beings whose only crime is love. You people of the straight community put us down, threaten us, and yet you call us the sorry ones, the sinful ones, the disgusting ones. You are beating up an innocent human being now all because he has a boyfriend. That, my friend, is disgusting, not some man loving another.” Caine snarls in the bully’s ear.
My eyes widen as his words register in my mind. He’s gay. Holy shit, he’s gay.
“You’re wrong. This one here, he’s not innocent. He had partner once but the other fag is dead; rumor has it that he was killed by his own boyfriend here. So tell me he’s innocent. Or do you defend murderers as well?” Jerome spits back and I flinch.
Caine grabs Jerome by his shirt again and punches him across the jaw. He lets him go and the bully swings a fist towards Caine but he catches it, twisting Jerome’s wrist. Jerome yelps in pain and surprise and tries to kick him instead but Caine again catches Jerome, kicking his legs out from under him. He kneels down with a knee on Jerome’s chest looking down into the bully’s wide brown eyes.
“You will leave him and every other student here alone, or next time I won’t go so easy on you; got that? I do not tolerate bullying of any kind towards anyone.” Caine growls in Jerome’s ear.
“Alright, man, fine; whatever you say.” Jerome says and stands up to stomp away.
Caine turns to me next and his eyes trail over me, looking for injuries.
“You didn’t have to do that.” I say, standing.
“Yes, I did. I don’t tolerate bullying under any circumstances, especially when it comes to stuff like that.” He replies, standing with me and handing me my things.
“Right, well, thank you. Uhm, Caine, right?” I ask, putting everything in my bag.
“Yeah, it is. What’s yours?” He asks, falling in step beside me as I walk away.
“My name is Jared.” I answer simply.
“Jared; I like that.” Caine smirks. I blush under his compliment. “So, do you drive? Because I’m pretty sure the busses are gone by now.” He adds.
“Uhm, well, I do drive, but I don’t have a car or anything. I guess, uhm, I’ll have to see if my mum can come pick me up.” I answer sheepishly.
“Well, I could drive you; if you don’t mind of course. I mean, I’m new here, so it’d be nice to make some friends.” Caine offers.
Oh, so that’s what this is about. “Look, I appreciate all of it, I do, but I don’t need your pity. I have friends here, so I don’t need someone pretending out of pity.” I say.
“I am not doing this out of pity, I swear it. You’re a cool guy, and so far the only other gay one I’ve met here, so I know you can relate there. I lost my boyfriend last year and apparently so have you... I understand though.” Caine explains.
I sigh. The entire time we talk tears trail down my face and I desperately try to hide them, but he eventually notices. He stops in front of me and places a firm hand on my shoulder. “Are you alright?” He asks me. I nod, unable to speak. “Hey, whatever he said back there, I am pretty sure it’s not true and you should ignore it.” He says. I shake my head.
“No, it was my fault. I did kill him.” I choke out, sitting on the floor against a white wall.
“Well do you want to tell me about it?” He asks soothingly, kneeling beside me.
I shake my head no, but I speak anyways. “It was three years ago. We-we were driving home from the school dance. We had both been drinking, me not as much, but enough, and so I was driving. We were holding hands, talking about the future, about the dance, and more. I took my eyes off the road to tell him I love him, and because I was drinking, I couldn’t control it. I hit a huge deer... the car, it was a small thing, it-it careened around and flipped, landing in a ditch. We both hit head first on the roof of it. H-he was bleeding so much. I knew he was almost dead; there was no help for him... I-I didn’t know what to do, so I ran. I ran away and called the cops. I left him all alone.” By that point I was sobbing; my hands covering my face, and my shoulders shaking uncontrollably. My story has flaws and it sounds fake, I realize.
“Wow, I am so sorry Jared.” Caine sighs, putting an arm around my shoulders. “You don’t deserve guilt for that.” He adds
“It’s my fault though. There are so many ifs. ‘If’ I hadn’t been drinking, ‘if’ I hadn’t been driving, ‘if’ I hadn’t looked away......‘if’ I hadn’t left him.” I choke on another fake sob.
“No, you made a stupid mistake, yes, but you shouldn’t let that control your life. I know it must be hard, but do you really think he’d want you to live off of guilt?” Caine says in comfort.
‘Probably...’ I think silently. “No, no he wouldn’t, but it’s hard to let go when I am reminded every single day. What if he blames me for what I did? What if he is watching me and thinking that I deserve this guilt? Jerome reminds me of that every day.” I sniffle.
“Jerome...he won’t be bothering you again, I’ll make sure of it.” Caine assures. “No one deserves what you’re going through and I highly doubt that your boyfriend blames you.”
“Thank you...” I sigh, standing up and wiping my face. My cheeks burn hot with embarrassment and shame.
“No problem, man. Come on, I’ll drive you home.” He says leading me to the student parking.
“Thank you.” I say again following behind him.
When we get out to the parking lot, Caine stands proudly in front of a large black hummer. There are red stripes painted across the roof and hood of it along with huge wheels and dark tinted windows. I whistle, impressed. “This is yours?” I ask in awe.
“Yeah, I worked five years to get this baby. I’m nineteen now so I started working and saving money at the age of fourteen.” He says proudly.
“Wow, why so early?” I ask, settling in when he unlocks the doors.
“Well, I came from a poor family so my parents always encouraged me to save money, so that’s what I did. I didn’t get the idea to buy a car with the money I saved until last year though.” He explains.
“Nice. And thank you, for everything you’ve said. My mum, she’s been there for me, trying to help me through everything, but she’s been so busy herself that I never really see her and it’s just me and her at home. I’ve never really had anyone to talk to about the-the wreck.” I tell him.
“There’s no need to thank me. I’m glad to help anyone who’s down.” Cain smiles my way.
I start to feel a flutter in my chest. I like this guy. He’s so kind and helped a complete stranger when he had no reason to. I smile shyly back at him and blush. He’s so cute too. I turn my eyes to my lap and we continue the ride with me giving him directions every so often. He holds his bright smile the whole time, asking about me, what I like, what I dislike, etc., and telling me about himself.
Eventually we pull up to my yard and he stops. We sit there for a moment in awkward silence before I finally speak up. “Thanks for the ride, I really appreciate it; all of it, I mean.” I say, opening the passenger door. But before I step out Cain lays a hand on mine to still me. I turn to look and he’s got a fond look in his eyes.
“Jared, I, uhm, I’ll be here for you if you ever need to talk to someone, okay? I kinda of like you, and I want to be able to help.”
“Yeah, okay, thank you... It means a lot.” I answer honestly. I exit the monster vehicle to go home.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
I liked it. The way Caine swoops in, it's like he is a superhero. But it's weird that he isn't more surprised about the whole I-killed-my-last-boyfriend thing. I mean, it's kind of a shocker, isn't it? Did he already know? Jared is obviously hiding something. Is Caine part of the mystery or Something? I need to read what comes next.
I just wish there wasn't so many temporal ellipses. I would like to hear about when Jared first catch sight of Caine's monster car, about how Cane drives, about their small talk. Things like that.
Interesting excerpt about homosexual prejudice and religious fanaticism. The scene construction is top-notch.
See mine #800080 ">notes and #0000FF ">edits below:
Overall, you have a lot of potential; I can see it. If you ever decide to expand upon this piece, I would recommend giving Jared and Caine more depth, as well as adding more characters--protagonists and antagonists alike--into the mix. After all, diversity makes for a rich story.
Sorry about the multiple comments I made! I'm new to this site and my computer seemingly glitched out.
Heyo! so, overall I feel like this was really very well written; it had great descriptions, great vocabulary, and a great character-to-character introduction between Cain and Jared. The way you made Cain enter the scene portrayed him as a sort of 'knight in shining armour' for a distraught and harassed Jared, which I really liked.
There were very few grammatical errors. just 1-2 misspelled words and a lack of an apostrophe in the phrase "I take in the new guys features," where 'guys' should be 'guy's'
Though your descriptions were very detailed, they felt like they were too sudden and jumbled together. Maybe try describing a character over the extent of the scene, rather than the entirety of the physical features and the personality of the character in one paragraph.
I really liked this intro to the story! Keep writing and coming up with fantastic ideas ♡♡♡
Heyo! so, overall I feel like this was really very well written; it had great descriptions, great vocabulary, and a great character-to-character introduction between Cain and Jared. The way you made Cain enter the scene portrayed him as a sort of 'knight in shining armour' for a distraught and harassed Jared, which I really liked.
There were very few grammatical errors. just 1-2 misspelled words and a lack of an apostrophe in the phrase "I take in the new guys features," where 'guys' should be 'guy's'
Though your descriptions were very detailed, they felt like they were too sudden and jumbled together. Maybe try describing a character over the extent of the scene, rather than the entirety of the physical features and the personality of the character in one paragraph.
I really liked this intro to the story! Keep writing and coming up with fantastic ideas ♡♡♡
Hi there! So I read through this and was quite interested so I thought why not review it!Going to the positives first... I love your detail in the first sort of bit about how he's bullied...
"A dull thud rings out as I am thrown violently against the high school’s metal lockers and my books fall to the floor. An arm pressed to my throat cuts off any protests"
^I thought that was a really good opening with a lot of description that made it really realistic for me to read. Well done! Think you should show off your description skills more - they're very effective!
Also, I like how it's foreshadowed about liking Caine- seems like a hero saving him from a bad scenario... It's like the reader can see it coming but the characters can't which is pretty cool.
Right, onto the criticisms..
I feel like sometimes you reveal things too soon... for instance, when you say....
"Jerome, big, built, blonde hair, typical jock look, pushes me around every day for one very stupid reason".... it makes the reader question - what is the reason? And I feel like you could've created a bit of suspense with that rather than instantly revealing it with the use of the word "fag"... But that's just my opinion!
Also, considering that it seems like Caine and Jared are really only speaking to each other now for the first time... it seems a little far fetched in my eyes that Jared instantly reveals why and how his boyfriend died... I feel like maybe you could of made him try to hide that too for a little bit - to create a bit of suspense... Also it could be suggested that he may try to hide it because he's worried what Caine will think of him... If he doesn't know Caine very well and believes that the death was his fault, he may think that telling Caine could effect his opinion of him (Jared)... That's also just my opinion!
Furthermore, it's "buses" not "busses".
And finally...
“We of the gay community are usually the nicest people you could ever meet, whereas straight fuckers like you are the ones who parade around killing, beating, degrading innocent human beings whose only crime is love. You people of the straight community put us down, threaten us, and yet you call us the sorry ones, the sinful ones, the disgusting ones. You are beating up an innocent human being now all because he has a boyfriend. That, my friend, is disgusting, not some man loving another.” Caine snarls in the bully’s ear."
I didn't like this really. I feel like you're trying to portray Caine as the better person in the story... but that kind of emphasises that he is literally just as bad. Because gay people aren't better than straight people - nor vice versa... we're all equal and I feel like that should of been highlighted rather than a heterophobic remark.. I don't feel he should degrade the whole straight community just because one of them is a jerk XD... Coz ya know - I'm straight and I don't behave like that douche XD... I'm not offended or anything.. just saying.
So yeah, overall it was interesting - I hope I could help .. Well done.. keep writing
Hey there SamanthaNicole1997. I like your story.
Although, in my opinion, one topic is stereotyped like the part where 'straight people' tend to put blame to those part of the LGBT community for their heinous crimes (in this case homophobic love), because I myself is straight but I do have gay friends and I love them. But oh well, this is a story. Also, I couldn't deny that there are still tons out there who are really, let's say conservative when it comes to homosexual relationships.
I admire your courage in writing this piece, because I believe this is still a sensitive topic in other places.
I like your characters Jared and Caine, although it's still the typical hottie meets the main character. Though I suggest that if ever Caine really took a fancy (more of the romantic thing) for Jared, please give a really justified reason, not a rushed reason.
With all that said, I'll be looking for more chapters because I can see your work's potential.
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