Mere pages to finish
before the final dot is reached.
Creator shall my book too bind
safe-keeping with many others.
Few more words meaningful
shall the orator utter,
voice flying swift in a hall,
echoing all around in the hall.
Mere moments has the world,
to present herself in full glory.
Two holes, my favourite part
shall suck in this wonderful sight.
Creatures of Earth shall no more voice,
nor sing their sweet musical song,
awaits me a life so true
where silence is my only sound.
Allow me to touch and see,
to feel the fresh Earth,
To revive the memories of being
such a being that could sense.
A few mouthfuls of precious air
to take in the symbol of youth,
to know that in me,
Past, Present and Future are one.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Samantha!
This is an amazing piece. I enjoyed the read.
Man, intense! One has to finish his duty before he leaves this world.
Even though the body perishes the works of us continues to live, our generation add pages to our book, our name.
Simply, WOW! Birth and death are the two holes, man is mortal indeed, you've painted the feel of it so amazingly.
We should make use of our existence before our time runs out. There will be nothing resurrected if we miss our chance.
The ending was the highlight to the poem. We all live once! The last breath will be satisfactory to the person only if he has done enough good deeds.
The person change to good when he is goin' to die. He begs for survival, asks god to remove all his sins.
The memory flashes let there be good ones, was the message I got.
Thank you so much for sharing this poem. I enjoyed the read. Looking forward for more of yours works to read.
Keep up the awesome writing!
Hi, this is TheWeirdoFromBeyond, or you can just call me Weirdo. So, I usually don't review poetry, since I don't have a lot of advice to offer. But this poem was amazing, so I decided it was worth trying to review.
[Note- This is just my opinion, other reviewers, and you would disagree on things. Nothing here is meant to offend you, or your poem in any way.
My understanding of your poem
So this what I understood, and I hope you had wanted to convey the same thing.
These lines give the poem a good intro. And their flow is amazing.
In this, I think you are highlighting how there are many people in the world who die, but their stories are not lost, the Creator always knows them.
Here, the importance of a person's last words is shown.
Here, I couldn't actually picture something, unlike the rest of the poem, where I actually formed a picture in my mind. Also, I'm not sure what this emphasises on, but maybe I just confused myself.
This described afterlife very well.
This told me the narrator was thankful for the life he/she/they had had.
This gave the poem a good ending. I understood that the narrator was trying to live the last few moments with joy. (the first two lines). And the latter talks about living beyond time.
So, if you had meant to convey a different thought through your poem in any part, try changing the words. But remember that this is just my opinion. Maybe I confused myself over something where someone else actually understood what you actually meant.
Flow
This is where I felt the flow didn't go as well as the rest of the poem.
I think it was because of the repetition of the word hall.
What I felt was missing
A poem set in this theme has certain expectations, and these I feel were not satisfied.
Last thing the narrator sees before dying
This is an important thing, especially since you are talking about the last moments before death.
The most important person in the narrator's life
At the time of death, people remember who made the biggest difference in their life.
An important place
Not necessary, just that most people also have an important place that effects their life.
Overall
This was an amazing poem. I hope I can read more of your work in the future.
-Weirdo
Thank You Weirdo.
This is my first work here so your review was very important to me.call me Fire.
I shall keep in mind what you wrote.I never thought of that before.
I meant the two holes as eyes which shall take in the sights of the world for one last time.
Once again, thanks Weirdo.
-Fire
Glad I could help you
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this poem which seems to be about how brief life is and how we long for it to be much longer. The tone is just right, melancholic, regretfully, sorrowfully, all in one. The pace is also just right since when once ponders things of this kind the thoughts will often tend to mimic bated breaths. I also like that a creator is acknowledged and that the poem tends to describe scenarios in which he is involved in very significant ways. The prayerful humble aspect of the expressions were also very nice-similar to certain psalms that are expressed in the same manner in the Bible by King David.
The only thing I found distracting was that an archaic word-order and expressions were used often and the sentences came across as forced because of it.
Below I provide an example of the changes I would make in order to make the poem sound more modern and more natural. Please feel free to reject all the changes you feel are unhelpful.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Suggestions
Mere pages to finish
before the final dot is reached
and the Creator binds my book,
safe-keeping it with many others.
The grand orator will utter
a few more meaningful words
his voice flying swiftly,
echoing in a hall.
The world, has only moments
to present herself in full glory.
Two holes, my eyes,
shall suck in that wonderful sight.
Earth creatures shall no longer voice,
nor sing their sweet musical song
and silence will be my only sound.
Allow me to touch, see and
feel the Earth’s freshness . . .
to revive the memories of a being
who could once sense mouthfuls of precious air,
Allow me to appreciate the symbols of youth,
and to know that in me,
Past, Present and Future are one.
Thanks.
I shall keep the suggestions in mind