Beyond the Horizon

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okay...well, this is a very intriguing premise here...certainly not something I've heard of before at any rate, it sounds like it could lead to some really exciting possibilities here at any rate.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Nightmares are real. There are beast, monsters, and horrors beyond imagination. There are horrors so terrifying, that I’d sooner starve than take part in such things. What’s the worst part? Those monsters are human. Not vampires, goblins, witches, fairies, or any other creatures. Have you ever heard of goblin attacks on the news? No, you haven’t. Instead you hear of humans killing humans.

Humans slaughter, kill, and destroy. They ruin lives, they cause wars, kill innocents, and they usually have no regrets what-so-ever. Why do this? No one knows. It’s just human nature. But, on another universe, an alternate reality I suppose, there is no such thing as wars, murder, or hatred towards one another. What is this universe? The name of it is Spes Bona, or “Land of Good Hope”. It is full of all paranormal beings. No humans in sight, ever.

You see, not so long ago three witch sisters, Sapphire, Rosemary, and Rosaline, came together after their kind had been warring for many years with the humans. They decided to create a place specifically for supernatural beings. At first, they thought about making a treaty to divide the Earth, with half belonging to humans, and half belonging to the super naturals. But the more they thought about it, they realized that it would be a futile attempt. There would be just too many citizens populating one place.

After a while, the humans wanted all supernatural beings gone, and dead. They were tired of running, so they ordered them dead. In nineteen seventy-four, they came up with a plan to save themselves, and their supernatural brethren’s. So the birth of their new home was created….

There were quite a lot of grammar errors, so I'll try to point out the ones others haven't. For example, you can't start a sentence with a number. So the sentence "300 years later" and "221 years later" would either need to be "Three hundred years later" or a word would need to be placed in front.

Also, there's a lot of expedition and information, which makes it kind of clunky and full. There's also much repetition, such as the continued use of "In [insert year]" and "So ..."

That being said, this isn't bad. It's what's to be expected from a first story, and I'm sure your writing will only get better and better.

The font choice was interesting. A bit distracting, but if you feel strongly for it, then use it. It's a creative choice.

Good luck on your writing!

The font here was a bit distracting and I couldn't get all the way through it but the start was nice. A few things to mention... there are should be they are in the first paragraph and the format of the second line is messed up. I liked the opening sentence, it was mysterious and a final statement- one of my favourite ways to start a book. You need to work on keeping your readers interested throughout your piece and not loosing their interest in the first little bit, especially with a piece this long (or a chapter this long )! Apart from that, this was quite well-written... this feels like an earlier piece?

Good luck with your writing,
-Tate x

Okay,I have a few things to say on this work. You said honest only, right?
For the first little while, I was intrigued by this work, honestly. Then I got to the third paragraph, and I lost interest for a little while. I mean, it's good and all, just not suspenseful enough for me, personally. Then again, I do have a weird taste in books.
I mean, I do like the idea of a separate planet and everything, but to me it seemed like you've read a lot about this kind of stuff, and decided to write about something you've read and liked, and decided to try and come up with ideas on your own, which there is nothing wrong with. It's what I did for two of my books. I say, make it suspenseful, and tone down on the cliches, and you would have yourself a really good book here.
I'm not trying to be rude, mean, or vindictive here, but you said give your honest opinion and I obliged to you. As I said, before, please keep up with it, just tone down on the cliches and it would be a lot better. I look forward to seeing your future posts, and I will keep an eye out for them.
Secondly, how did you get the words in that format? It seems to me you downloaded a file and it didn't work well with the forum. I mean, it's cool and all, but it made it hard to read and very non-intriguing to do so. Maybe you could have just typed it all out, or copy and pasted from your notes? Just a thought.
In conclusion, this would make a good story, and I hope you continue, but without so many cliches and so many overly used characters. Alas, I have no room to speak, for I'm worse of than you. Just take a look at my Book,"Protectors of Gantaro," and you will see this is true. I will keep an eye out for your future works, and thank you for sharing!

Okay,I have a few things to say on this work. You said honest only, right?
For the first little while, I was intrigued by this work, honestly. Then I got to the third paragraph, and I lost interest for a little while. I mean, it's good and all, just not suspenseful enough for me, personally. Then again, I do have a weird taste in books.
I mean, I do like the idea of a separate planet and everything, but to me it seemed like you've read a lot about this kind of stuff, and decided to write about something you've read and liked, and decided to try and come up with ideas on your own, which there is nothing wrong with. It's what I did for two of my books. I say, make it suspenseful, and tone down on the cliches, and you would have yourself a really good book here.
I'm not trying to be rude, mean, or vindictive here, but you said give your honest opinion and I obliged to you. As I said, before, please keep up with it, just tone down on the cliches and it would be a lot better. I look forward to seeing your future posts, and I will keep an eye out for them.
Secondly, how did you get the words in that format? It seems to me you downloaded a file and it didn't work well with the forum. I mean, it's cool and all, but it made it hard to read and very non-intriguing to do so. Maybe you could have just typed it all out, or copy and pasted from your notes? Just a thought.
In conclusion, this would make a good story, and I hope you continue, but without so many cliches and so many overly used characters. Alas, I have no room to speak, for I'm worse of than you. Just take a look at my Book,"Protectors of Gantaro," and you will see this is true. I will keep an eye out for your future works, and thank you for sharing!

Hi! Guardian here!

You reviewed MY work earlier, and now, I'm just returning the favor...

So, first off... The format of the story was very... Awkward. I don't know how you got the file to display in extremely long lines across the page. You might want to check how you're uploading the file before you publish your work.

Secondly, I actually kind of like this idea of "a separate planet". But one thing that I would like to point out is the introduction. It started off very smoothly, and I was sucked in for the first few lines. But then, (to be honest), I started getting the feeling that this was just "another cheesy tale". Please, I really don't want to sound rude or hurtful in any way!

Keep this in mind: You mentioned supernatural beings in the start of your story, but then you incorporate them into a whole new world. It seems kind of weird that folklore that humans created would actually be living on their own planet, millions of miles away in space. My suggestion is to include some sort of extraterrestrial being that are basically a more peaceful form of humans instead of the supernaturals.

Again, this is just a suggestion, and by no means do you have to comply to this. If you like your idea, keep it! I mean, I like it too, but it's just that it may not make sense to most people.

No hard feelings, and please continue this story,
Guardian

Hello Samantha101,
Myjaspercat here for your review.

Oh, my ok well I'm going to try and do the best review I could but a little tip first... If you upload a file and it turns out, well like this, then it might be better if you just retype it all. Right now it is really weird and kind of hard to read. Anyways, like I said I will try to give you a good review.

1.) "Nightmares are real. There are beast, monsters, and horrors beyond imagination." ---Ok, so I like this sentence, and the main reason may have to be because I kind of wrote something like this myself. Though my one suggestion would to play around with they way some of the words are written, right now it just reads rather odd, though you could still keep the overlaying concept.

2.) "There are horrors so terrifying, that I’d sooner starve than take part in such things." ---Grammatically this sentence is ok, but it would be better if you changed 'horrors' to something else since you have already used this word in the previous sentence.

3.) "But, on another planet many galaxies away, there is no such thing as wars, murder, or hatred towards one another. " --- Ok, so this is kind of interesting. I guess I could call it a hook. Again one suggestion however would to play around with the way words are written so they could be written better.

4.) "It is full of all paranormal beings. Beings like witches, vampire, living skeletons, fairies, and even goblins." ---It may be just me, but when you say 'all paranormal beings' I am sure your readers will be able to figure out what that means. There really isn't a need to explain any further.

5.) "You see, not so long ago three witch sisters, Sapphire, Rosemary, and Rosaline, came together after their kind had been warring for many years with the humans." ---This is very cliché.

All right, that's it with the line-by-line. Now on with the overview of the story and what I thought about it...

So the concept of the entire story seems rather cliché, leaving me with more of a 'this is going to be boring' feeling. Now I don't want to seem rude, but I feel as a writer, that you could do so much better. Anyways, just reread and work on it some more. I also want to tell you that your sentences are really simple and childlike, try to work on more compound sentences, and making them more detailed. This also doesn't seem like a first chapter, more of a prologue. My last concern is with the last little paragraph. Does your reader need to know all the information about the witches. If the answer is yes, then try to not throw it all at your readers like an info dump. It just makes it boring and somewhat hard to read. If we need the information then give it to us little by little.

Overall I hope I helped, if you have any questions then feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing...

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"If a story is in you, it has to come out." -William Faulkner

"Writing saved me from the sin and inconvenience of violence." -Alice Walker