Published March 25, 2011
Somewhere amidst the aquamarines,
Where the breeze never plays without a hint of its presence,
The golden dust sways in the wind by the sunlight,
A piece of perfection it can be named,
But what's masked counts in illusion,
As a bloody soul enters the territories,
To cool down the shivers running down the spine,
A drop of tear escapes from the eye,
Rested on my finger as it glistened,
Knew it that it wasn't a cry or trocoma,
But as i drew nearer to the water and saw my reflection,
Horror struck, i saw the face unusually known,
The same violet eyes but the bloody scar,
That ran from my left brow and off to my left cheeck,
Frightened, with trembling fingers retraced it,
Couldn't feel anything but as i beheld my fingers with bloody stains,
Something struck me like a tumor in my brain,
And as i glued my eyes i saw,
Battles in darkness and morbid scenes from the past,
Panicking, i opened my eyes with a horse racing heartbeat,
But the worse was about to happen,
A grey mist was evoking,
Bloody rose beds were a new birth of beauty in ugly,
Their sweet scent stinging in my nose,
And as i approached them, they were hiding the graves,
Grey plates soaked in dew,
A sudden urge grasped me from inside,
To pluck one and feel what its like brushing against my bloodless skin,
In roman letters it beacame clear,
The roses were concealing a great fear,
And as i read it out, the world around me swayed and my vision blurred,
The words were written clear on the earth
"Dare to fulfill your desires
Till the numbness takes the shape of fire"
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140,546 Literary Works • 673,419 Reviews
Gosh! I wish I knew how to write like this.. I hate getting writer's block..
I can never figure out how to write my poems that make sense.
wow. It really felt like i was there watching this! I loved the way you wrote that, really pulling me into the story. I really liked your descriptions creating the dream-like story. Well done
Hello there. I am here for the review as asked. It is a good piece with good use of words and imagery but it would be better if you had broken it into stanzas and used a little less commas. There are rhymes in the poem i noticed but the huge lines makes the reader forget the rhymes. Some nitpicks for you. I hope it helps.
I am looking forward for more of your work.
Keep writing.
Okay, so for one, you should remove that empty space between lines. It is pain to the eyes, it makes it harder for me to focus on your poem. You might also want to separate this into stanzas.
Secondly, you wrote commas too many times, and in places where there should not be any punctuation marks.
Other than this, your poem is a good start and a potentially great poem.
Keep on writing!
Hi, Shadow here. Just one thing to say about this. I'll spoiler it.
Wow! This is simply amazing. You have a unique way of writing and I do believe this shows it. Like I said, this is simply amazing, that's all there is to be said. Keep up the good job, and if you need anything else reviewed, I'd be more than happy to take a look at it for you. Great job. 'Like'.
Spoiler
~Forsakinshadow~
Hey Saman,
First thing I'd like to comment on is your sentence structure: there's a lot of places where you've twisted it up and down and generally contorted it into phrases that sound completely awkward. Generally speaking, writing 'normally' makes for something that is a lot more enjoyable to read and flows more naturally, which helps the reader a lot with keeping with the poem.
On a related note, you could perhaps try to poke at your punctuation a bit. A comma at the end of each line is 1. unnecessary, and 2. completely destructive to the flow. Same idea as with structure: punctuate the way you would if this were just prose. Right now you're forcing the reader to stagger to a stop at the end of each line when it would sometimes be more natural to continue right on to the next, which has the inconvenient side-effect of jolting us straight out of any atmosphere you might have been building.
Secondly, you might want to revise some of your imagery and phrasing. Lots of sentences are just formulated weirdly, even if I'm not taking the grammar in account (e.g. "A drop of tear escapes from the eye", "the face unusually known", "a horse racing heartbeat", etc), and making those a bit smoother would improve the overall experience.
Hope this helps.
Wow. This was impressive and very unique. It really drew me in and made me want to read more. I like the flow of it, though I didn't like it whens ome lines rhymed and others didn't. But that's just my opinion, and I don't know much about poetry. I just wanted to say that I really liked this, and I think it adds depth because it was based on a dream.
Thanks for the wonderful read,
Dai