Blood Bath

Hello Sam123,
Very, well, interesting story. Kind of disturbing. Esspecially since the recent Sandy Hook shooting. (R.I.P to all the children and teachers that were lost that day.)
First off, Details! Details! Details! Your goal as a writer is to make the reader feel connected to the story, try to get the reader to feel emotion for the characters. I myself still have trouble with detail but it is a must! I didnt feel any emotion towards these characters at all. That is not a good sign
Another thing I noticed was this whole story was written in just one paragraph! I would think about starting a new paragraph for every new thought.
For example: "We all looked at eachother as the teacher tells us to go to the gym. So we all walk single file down the hall to the gym. we climbed the bleachers and sat there and waited."
I would start a new paragraph at "So we all walk single file down the hall to the gym." by deleting 'So' and capitalizing 'we'
I would aslo start a new paragraph with "I ducked as he pulls out a M-16 machine gun and sprays bullets up into the mass of students."
Again with "The eighth grader finds all the survivers and line them up on the wall with the teachers. He pulls out a hand gun and one by one he shoots the remaining people in the head."
And again "The cops starts filling into the room and arrest the eighth grader." and with " later that night I find some rope in the basment and i tie a noose and slide my neck through "
I also see some capitalization problems where you should have capitalized for the begining of a sentence.
Other than that I dont see anything to bad about it.
Keep Writing and welcome to YWS!
-KevybearsBunny

Animal is here to save the world review.

Here we go...

Sam123 wrote: We all looked at eachother as the teacher tells us to go to the gym. So we all walk single file down the hall to the gym. we climbed the bleachers and sat there and waited. and then it happen, an eighth grade walks slowly to the front of the bleachers and starts to pull something from his coat.

Sam123 wrote: I was awstruck as I saw my girlfriend get shot three times in the chest and fall awkardly to the floor. the next thing I notice is that I am covered in blood.

Sam123 wrote: My friends blood now covers me from head to toe. The eighth grader finds all the survivers and line them up on the wall with the teachers.

Sam123 wrote: The cops starts filling into the room and arrest the eighth grader. later that night I find some rope in the basment and i tie a noose and slide my neck through it.

Hello. First of all welcome to YWS.

This is an interesting topic written in a not-so-appealing way. There are a few problems with your spelling, grammar and tense which I shall proceed to enumerate.

Always keep in mind that the beginning of a story is primarily meant for descriptions and detailing. In your story, we see the character 'sitting in school' (which by the way, should be "I was in school, sitting in class..."), and thinking about his pet hamster. That was all. You have to define the environment, even in a brief story like this. Add a little more literature into it.

Say, "...thinking about my pet hamster. Mr Mclurkin was teaching mathematics at that time; a subject I dislike thoroughly. His lips moved as my mind wandered elsewhere..."
Now that's a good start. My point is that you should always detail beginnings and extend sub-topics (the trivial topics within the main topic that lead to the main topic).

"..everyone go to the gym we're having an assembly" There should be a comma after gym.

Within the story, you keep moving from past tense to present tense and back. This variation is a common error in literature, yet it must always be addressed.

The whole story is also continuous without points of transition. The end is abrupt and very unreasonable. The readers were not given a reason that explains why the narrator commits suicide.

Advice: I've told you everything; but some points must be emphasized. You lack the ability to extend sup-topics and to create transition points which glues the story together. Focus on those problems and you'll be taking a great step towards literary excellence.

You could have used much more detail. Given some more information as well. I think that the last thing in mind I would be thinking about is my pet hampser unless he was dieing or brand new. You could have given a little more background information on that. You also could have tried giving a little information on the sshooter. Maybe how you knew he was in eighth grade or maybe why he did it. And why did you hang yourself? Other than that very good job keep you head high and remember details!

PS:Why did everyone just decide to have an assembly?

Hello sam123 here I am and I have got a little review for you, I hope that this helps you.

Well I think You need to make your paragraphs smaller.

I also think that you could cut out the So in (So we all walk single file down the hall to the gym).

This is definitely a well written piece.

Keep writing and good luck.

I really hope this helps you.

hmmm. That was strangely dark but well written. I know that school can be boring and the mind begins to wonder but I have never thought that deeply before. It was always like wings ripping from my back during a lecture, or a portal opening in the center of the room and a person runs out telling us to run for our lives but kootos on the imagination.