Thought I'd something contemporary, for a change...enjoy.
***
My bike screeches to a halt.
The tall, imposing Williams house looms overhead, the family Porsche lies right in front of me on the driveway.
“Honestly, Todd, what the frick do you think you’re doing?”
A boy reclines on the hood of the jet-black sports car, leaned up on the windshield with his arms propped comfortably behind his head. Dark sunglasses with a thick white frame rest on his nose…but other than that, he’s got nothing on but smily-face boxer shorts.
The boy sits up, and with a long, french-manicured index finger, lowers his shades.
His bright hazel eyes are rimmed with black.
Oh God. Not the eyeliner again.
“Jesus Christ, can’t a guy get his tan on in peace?”
I unceremoniously dump my bike in the grass and sit on the car next to him.
“Got any more shades?”
He heaves a sigh, then leans over the side and brings up a pair of “vintage” cut-off shorts, dives into the pocket, and brings out a sleek gray pair. “Thanks, dude,”
I grin. He hates it when I say that.
The boy flips the sunglasses my way; I catch them, slip ‘em on. He re-adjusts his shades, then leans back again.
“So, Todd-O, are we still on for tonight?”
He nods.
“Me. You. The mall. 8 o’clock. I’m so there.”
Grinning, I pull off my shorts and then recline on the car; letting the sun bake my legs a weird mottled red/brown combo.
A while later, a kid on his skateboard across the street looks at us, his jaw dropping and right eyebrow rising dramatically. Mrs. Peccadeddy’s cat Skipper had the misfortune of being dumb enough to sit in the middle of the sidewalk to watch birds…and eventually barreled over and landed upon.
Thus begins the epic battle between man and dust-bunny-eater.
***Todd
I slip an American Idiot t-shirt over my head and then look at myself in the mirror.
Nice.
I think I went too far with the French manicure though. Makes me look…I don’t know…girly?
That guy at Starbucks thought it was hot. And Natalie, too. I might keep it.
I grab a bottle of black nail polish and head up to the front, where a kid with about twenty rings sticking out of his eyebrow sits, dozing.
“Welcome to Hot Topic. Do you prefer throat-slitting or strangulation?” The guy mumbles.
Customer service at its finest, this is.
He’s snoring now.
I rap my fingers on the counter. No response.
There’s a line behind me, slowly forming and quickly launching through the many stages of pissed-off-ness.
Finally, I pull a penny out of my pocket and with a flick of the wrist, lauch it at his forehead. The coin hits its target, and with a cry, the victim sits up.
I grin. Hehe. Go Todd.
The kid sneers, then grabs my American Express and stuffs my shirt and nail polish into a bag and throws it over the counter.
(This is set in Lincoln...and the first bit was based on a true story. Hehee...one day my brother and I were out riding and we saw our 4-year-old neighbor in his underwear lying on top of the family minivan saying he was getting his tan on....
)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Hmm...so just a couple of random scenes it sounds like by the way that is written. I can only get a sense of the loosest of plot lines in here and beyond that I see pretty much nothing concrete in here. But it does flow pretty well and the dialogue seem to be pretty realistic so it was a fun little story to read regardless.
Okay that's kind of a very standard sounding opening line that's not the catchiest nor the dullest so its sort of in the middle there.
Okay...now this gets a little interesting.
Well that's certainly some great description right there although I wouldn't recommend reclining on the hood of a metal car in the sunlight because that will actually burn you when the metal gets hot.
Sounds like some reasonably realistic dialogue.
Okay that sounds pretty interesting and there's a nice but of humor packed in there too which is always a nice touch.
Well that's some interesting customer service.
Okay that seems to be some fairly standard fare.
Aaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall like I said not much happens but that's okay because it was definitely pretty funny and it seemed like a small scene form a larger novel where the characters are just lazing around. And it was pretty well written so great job.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
It was a good story xD
Wow... Sunbathing in your underwear..... How embarrassing... O.o
Oh yeah this is that insane litte story i took a look at earlier.
You are insane and so is that cat.
And you are too pale to tan anyway
Liz
I'm not sure present-tense was really the best decision for a piece like this. Overall, it was well-written and the character were good, but it seemed kind of pointless.
As a grammar note, there were a couple of times were you should have started a new sentence but didn't.