The Something Beneath the Stairs, No. 2

by Sam

Thanks, again, for all of the lovely reviews on the last bit. :D

Ah, and a handy-dandy link to the first section, in case there's any inconsistencies or other forms of vileness: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=16507

___

Mr. Willoughby, Regarding the Boy Next Door

I’ve been here atop this hill for eighty years.

I could tell you about the way the water licks the side of the hill at spring tide and is perfectly straight at neap; about the priests and heathens next door and the Starkweather murders in town. About babies born and babies buried, ships capsized and Spanish gold, and all you want to hear is about that fool boy with the sleepy eyes, like a cat’s?

Bah, I never could quite understand the curiosity about that family- they were nothing but foreigners, strange folks with their heavy tongues and English that sounded like a fish flopped up on a shore. And that boy? He was always hurting himself, doing odd things like climbing into trees and walking out to the edge of Solomon’s Lick, where the waves would knock him senseless. A regular ape.

That daughter though- she was something. The most beautiful creature eyes could behold. I had it in my mind to marry her, but some other fool foreigner beat me to the Church- swept her right off her pretty little feet, he did.

…ah, all right. The boy. That day, he came walking up the hillside to their little house in the side of the knoll, dragging his foot behind him like a bum. I see it’s tied with a woman’s scarf- a real nice one, indigo with fancy weaving upon it.

“What’d you do this time, boy?” I yell, and he stops- looks at me like the fool foreigner he was.

“I tripped on a rock and missed,” he says, pointing to his foot, like it’s the most natural thing.

I sputter something about him and walk back into the house to fix myself some tea, the real strong stuff the Chinamen enjoy.

Here’s the thing about my house, see- the windows are positioned such that the other houses down the hill can be seen. I’m no peeper, but I’m a curious sort. Like that boy, of course, but with a strong American mind instead of porridge up in there.

And there, in the window down the hill, is the mother, yelling some gibberish and waving the scarf about in her arms, and the beautiful daughter holding the son I wanted so dearly. The boy stands there, a sticky red spot growing beneath his foot, spreading across the wood like good wine spilt.

That’s when I went hunting. There’s ducks in the pond to the north; big fat ones, too. I’m not some fool foreigner- watching people bleed in their kitchen’s ain’t something I’d elect to do.

____

The Second Account

Annabelle is lying in bed, staring at the ceiling.

Her back aches so, and the ropes beneath her cradle her, swaddling her body within several layers of thick blankets. She drifts in and out of sleep, awoken only by distant seagull cries and the peals of boats’ horns.

There are a lot of things she should be doing- cleaning, studying, reading, praying- a list that runs through her mind several times, the ‘ings’ sounding more and more revolting with each repetition.

Before long, there is a knock at the door.

Annabelle rouses herself and sits at the top of the stairs, waiting for the Aunts to greet the visitor. The front door is opened.

It is nearly night outside- a humid summer dusk, wrought with the noise of crickets and reeds and cicadas burrowed in the dirt of the hills. “Hello,” says a voice- a male voice.

“How can we assist you, young man?”

“This is for your daughter, ma’am,” he says. Annabelle peers around the banister to see the boy with the cat eyes, holding a paper package wrapped roughly with twine. “She did me a great kindness, yesterday.”

He’s barefoot, the heel with the gash wrapped in new, clean bandages- perhaps from the doctor.

The boy pulls back the twine to reveal two pies, warm and fresh from the scent, and a few sticky pastries unknown to Annabelle. “Did you make these?” asks one of the aunts, smiling.

A pause. “…no. My mum made me bring them, actually.”

The Aunts’ faces fall in unison, and he is hasty to explain, “I would like to thank her in person, though- is she around?”

“Why, yes,” they say, grins reapplied like faded rouge. “We’ll make tea, and we shall eat your mother’s lovely pies all together.”

“That sounds excellent.”

He is quick to invite himself inside, and Annabelle leaps back into her room in order to avoid being seen. Her heart is beating audibly; when she presses her palm to her chest, her ribcage undulates ever so slightly. “Annabelle!” comes the call up the stairs, sweet and harmonized, like a choir.

She composes herself, smoothes her skirt, and steps down the stairs gently. The normally placid wood is suddenly slippery and dangerous, and threatens to send her flying, face-first, into the wake of the cat-eyes boy below.

The Aunts have disappeared into the kitchen, and cat-eyes boy is looking at Annabelle strangely.

“So, you’re Annabelle, miss?”

She puts on the false smile that the Aunts use quite often, and nods vigorously. “Yes.”

He extends his hand, cracked and weathered from salt water. “I'm Nicholas.”

Another pause. “I'm rather sorry about yesterday- I shouldn’t have taken your scarf. My mum went berserk, honestly, thinking I stole it from you…it was all too nice, too nice a thing to have been done for me.”

“It’s a scarf,” Annabelle blurts, avoiding the careful, planned answers she had been dreaming up. “It really, really doesn’t matter.”

Nicholas shrugs, looking down at his swathed feet. “It was an incredibly nice thing to do.”

She is temporary stunned, perhaps hypnotized by his strange eyes- from a new angle; they are utterly new, changed. They are harsh-looking, with sharp edges and iris dulled to black. “So…” he says, quietly. “Do you think you could explain to Mum that you did it on principle, and not because I stole it from you? It’d save my sorry arse from a week of Confinement.”

Annabelle stares at him, shocked. “My foot isn’t the only thing that needs rescue, see,” he continues, grinning.

His irreverence is refreshing, she thinks. He is barefoot, hopelessly honest and brazenly uses words like ‘arse’ in polite conversation- the sort of person that is secretly thrilling to Annabelle.

She leads him into the dining room, where there are already six seats set. There are always six seats set- one for Annabelle, two for the aunts. The three seats left over had once belonged to Annabelle’s parents, and one of the Aunts’ fiancée, passed during the Revolution. Nicholas chooses her father’s seat- the one farthest left- and gingerly places his napkin in his lap.

The kettle begins to shriek from the kitchen, and soon the Aunts arrive with a platter piled high with tea and saucers and all of the desserts Nicholas had brought, along with a few left over from the last night’s treat.

“Help yourself, dear,” the Aunts say to Nicholas, politely sipping at their cups. They take nothing.

He looks panicked, and stares at the mountain of food as though it is a dead crab upon shore- repulsive and frightening, yet fascinating at the same time.

Annabelle takes a slice of pie and nibbles the end. It is sweet, made with both cherries and apple and another fruit she can’t identify. Nicholas follows her lead, and together, they eat a mere half a pie.

“My, would you look at the time?” one of the Aunts says, pulling a small clock on a chain from within the folds of her skirt. “It is time for us to go up to bed- now Annabelle, be a good hostess and see that Nicholas returns home safely.”

They turn their teacups upside down upon the napkins, and disappear up the stairs.

Nicholas’ jaw quivers, as though it is going to fall. “It’s eight-thirty.”

Annabelle shrugs. “They don’t like to be up late- they like to be see the sunrise upon the beach.”

He is insistent. “It’s eight-thirty.”

The panic slamming about within her chest has long subsided, and she picks up his empty plate without hesitation. “You can go, if you wish. I’ll be up much later, but I shan’t be doing anything of interest.”

“What shall you be doing?” he asks, following her into the kitchen.

She gestures to the pile of plates and platters gathered within the basin. “Washing.”

He sidles up the edge of the great tub and shoos her away from it with a flick of his wrist. “I’ll do them, don’t worry. Go sit.”

She begins to protest, but he begins to dip the napkins in the rainwater that collects in the tub from the roof, drenching them and wringing them out and hanging them to dry on the cord in the middle of the room. “My sister’s a complete twit, see- when she was looking for a husband, she didn’t want her hands dirtied, so I learned how to do all of her jobs. Mum just makes me do them out of habit, now.”

Annabelle merely sits, slumped against the wall, knocking her knees together and feeling wholly useless. “Don’t do my chores, then, if you loathe them so.”

“I don’t mind doing yours; it’s my sister I mind.” He shakes water off of his hands, and the droplets land on the hard metal with soft lapping noises.

One by one, the dishes are scraped and soaped and dried, and eventually put to rest in neat piles on top of the rickety sewing table in the corner. He then leans against it, resting, a yawn forming in the back of his throat. He covers his mouth, and Annabelle slowly rises.

They stand, staring at different things. “I think I’m going to go home, Annabelle,” he says, smiling wearily. “Thank you, very much.”

Nicholas’ bare feet pad across the wood floor, but just in front of the doorway he stops, and turns to do something highly irreverent and secretly thrilling.

He clasps Annabelle’s wrists with his hands, perhaps too gently- awkwardly, almost. Both of sets of hands tremble as he leans forward, pressing his lips against hers, perhaps too gently.

Awkwardly, almost.

Annabelle closes her eyes and sinks back against the wall, praying fervently as his footsteps fade out and the front door finally clicks shut.

Comments & reviews · 13
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Palantalid
Review

Alright, I've read it so far and I think the voice is great. Omnipresent? The second account was from Annabelle's point of veiw wasn't it?

And yes, I think the first ahem ahem physical encounter came a bit quickly. I mean, we see the strange reaction of the boy when the scarf is tied on him at the sea shore and it seems that any potential emotions will take a little bit more to come out. Annabelle was a bit underdeveloped or rather the kiss came when her feelings seemed rather shallow.
Or maybe this shallownees brings out the innocence.

Maybe if you ever write from noone's point of veiw in particular (and i have the feeling that i'm taking too much freedom in even suggesting this) you should say something on the lines of "in such seasons many illusive thoughts flit through and remain unnoticed'............oh heck never mind. I meant that you could drop a hint about the fact that many things are happening in the characters' minds that haven't been shown.

A lone typo braves the storm of a finely written peice. Behold it for I canst behold no other.......
Qouted:
"That’s when I went hunting. There’s ducks in the pond to the north; big fat ones, too. I’m not some fool foreigner- watching people bleed in their kitchen’s ain’t something I’d elect to do. "

There...there it sits so vainly.........it should be 'kitchens' not 'kitchen's'. :)
Oh wait I see another.........."There's ducks in the pond" should be "there are/ there're ducks in the pond". Or is that to do with the southerner's lingo.

Thanks for the read.........will look forward.

Ciao Sam - critique il secondo allora, to be precise. The previous may have put the definition of brevity in illustration. But then, Imp hit that one, yes?


LETTERS:


You begin, as device - and rather novell'y - with letters. The missives set a distinct tone and the voices[s] are engaging. But even as they are distinct, they also tend towards distinct distance. The atmosphere and tone, especially in using present tense, are almost peripheral, in that one looks at them from an impassive perspective. The present tense is brief on background. The letters, by nature, must be painfully subjective.

What does this do? Santo cielo, it sets things at an intriguing point of mystery. But how long does one wait in the wings before getting weary of glancing through the drawn curtains of a rehearsal?


ETCETERA (on points of distance and impassivity):

The details in the letter are telling. Glances through windows. Lovely girl. The boy gives some things, in his speech.

But there must be some catalyst of a moment, some tension to draw more out of Annabelle. Dai, she even gets kissed.

But of her? We have the will-o-whisp scarf of a girl, in pastel characterisation. It's pretty. But she seems waiting for her scarf to be turned out and the patterns on the inside shown. The story prompts one to think there's much more going on than is on the surface - brilliant, vero? Only we can't go on being prompted just to find will-o-whisps.

The present tense, for all its inherent bluntness, is amazingly passive in this. Senz'altra, for tone, this is apt. But for action and development, it leaves a bit wanting.



DIALOGUE AND DICTION:

The command of idiosyncrasies in writing you display in the letters is immediately compelling.

Like that boy, of course, but with a strong American mind instead of porridge up in there.


That ought to tell all; rather does - merely the 'strong American mind instead of porridge up there' paints an entire picture of this fellow, his thoughts.

As for dialogue within the narrative?

The boy (Nicholas) has the strongest voice, outside of the letters. It's in the switch he makes, from 'ma'am'ing' the aunts to speaking to Annabelle.

Annebelle, on the flip-side, seems to slip further into the background, as if she's not quite certain she's there. Her thoughts come up. But sans decided speech (if not confident speech), she seems to lose her actions as well. My impression was of Nicholas, quite strongly, and a blur of Annebelle's thoughts--where she stood exactly in the kitchen or out of it got lost.

Annabelle takes a slice of pie and nibbles the end. It is sweet, made with both cherries and apple and another fruit she can’t identify


...and...

Annabelle merely sits, slumped against the wall, knocking her knees together and feeling wholly useless


There, above, she acts - briefly and diffidently, it's true.

If she's uncertain and awkward; if she doesn't speak well or doesn't speak much, why not show her? The present tense is well set for brief portraits painted and placed; it makes beautiful images, vero? (More apt for poetry, some say.)

I'd like to see Annabelle, if not hear her. And I think the piece would be distant and brief in rather a more intentional way were she to be shown. As it is, Nicholas dominates the poor thing is a bit lopsided.


SIDE CHARACTERS (as a note):

I wonder if the aunts, differentiated, might steady the distance and dreaminess as well? Dickensian detail, without Dickensian flamboyance, da?


NARRATIVE...AS A WHOLE?:


...Those dropped pearls of description through - sono belissime. The aunts' smiles reapplied like faded rouge, etc.

Yet they do scatter throughout, sometimes, as on a plane of dreams. One can't coat a tale in pearls - expensive and over-zealous; a reader would be blinded. Is it a dream? Will it pass and leave the odd, fading anxiety that something has happened, and not been held?

Narrative II -- Annabelle and Objective:

There's a start-stop flow of simple narration, objective and flowing, and narrative filtered through Annabelle.

That which is Annebelle's (e.g. 'she thinks', 'she considers'...) gives its passages a personal distance, sitting in Annabelle's experience. She seems a bit removed from it all.

That which reports is more present and less dreamy and moves.

In truth, I like the removed, faded feeling of Annabelle's 'interjections'. But they're nearly like asides; or like tassels added to a serviceable scarf. The do put their own lump in the flow - any filtering may - and I would keep an eye on how and where they're dropped.


--

In all, Sam, i Cabassi are impressed, vero?

Check your concrete ratio to pearls of description and abstraction. Find checks on Annabelle's pastel scarf, perhaps?


Buona notte e buona fortuna.


[[ Courtesy of the CCF ]]

Sam! *hugs* About the pie comment, I find it the proper, Christian thing for the Aunts to do, inviting him in for pie.

:wink:

Tada.

Cal.

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Black Ghost
Review

Sam wrote:…ah, all right


I don't know if it matters at all, but maybe you should just capitalize the first "a". I know it's not the beginning of sentence, but it's the first line of the paragraph so...yeah, whatever.

Sam wrote:I’m not some fool foreigner- watching people bleed in their kitchen’s ain’t something I’d elect to do.


I don't think you need the apostrophe in "kitchen's".

Sam wrote:Her back aches so, and the ropes beneath her cradle her, swaddling her body within several layers of thick blankets.


If you take out the second "her", the sentence flows a lot more better.

Sam wrote:She drifts in and out of sleep, awoken only by distant seagull cries and the peals of boats’ horns.


I love the imagery here. :D
Sam wrote:She puts on the false smile that the Aunts use quite often, and nods vigorously. “Yes.”


Since she's nodding, we know what her answer is, so you don't need the "Yes." If you leave it out, then it seem more like she hasn't the courage to speak yet. This makes the "blurt" you use as a tag in her next piece of dialogue more justifiable.

Sam wrote:His irreverence is refreshing, she thinks. He is barefoot, hopelessly honest and brazenly uses words like ‘arse’ in polite conversation- the sort of person that is secretly thrilling to Annabelle.


Oh, has Annabelle taking a liking to this boy? :wink:

Sam wrote:The three seats left over had once belonged to Annabelle’s parents, and one of the Aunts’ fiancée, passed during the Revolution.


I think you have an extra "e" in "finace".

Sam wrote:Nicholas’ bare feet pad across the wood floor, but just in front of the doorway he stops, and turns to do something highly irreverent and secretly thrilling.


I love your repetition here, it subtly refers back to Anabelle's feelings. Nice! :D

______

I loved the way the boy and Anabelle interacted. It seemed so...pure and innocent. And I loved the way you described the kiss at the end, very well done. This is shaping up to be quite an awesome novel, If I might say so.

Keep up the good work,
Tony

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Sam
Comment

Thanks, Tri!

Yeah, Claude said that Annabelle needs a little more fleshing out- that's my current mission. Hopefully, that'll help a little with the relative slowness. :wink:

Deepness? *shies away from the thought* Ah, I agree. It can be stark, but it also has to be real...if you've any ideas of what could make it seemed less unfinished, let me know. I'll be working on that as well.

User avatar
Trident
Review
Trident wrote a review · Fri Jun 08, 2007 5:19 am

Ha, I'm in the middle of Dostoevsky's "The Idiot" right now, so this is comparably fast!

I don't think there is anything wrong with the narrator in the first section. I found him well developed and his little quips were telling of his nature. I found him to be a very typical southerner: curteous but curious; kindly Christian, but a tad racist and closed-minded. Characterized wonderfully, I would say.

The second part was rather quick, I think. You are cutting out a lot, and there are always things that one could add to deepen the story and the characters. Annabelle's still undeveloped, I think.

Anyway, I wouldn't worry too much about the 'slowness' of the piece. If it's written well, then a trained reader should be able to get past that pretty quickly.

Best of luck and this plot better not be too outrageous!

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Sam
Comment

Bah, I'm rusty with the present tense, right? :wink: I'll definitely fix those.

Question, though: would having it change from a limited perspective to an omniscent perspective kill the feel? Omniscent in present tense tends to get rather cheesy ("Annabelle feels sad", etc.) because the emotions are kind of a crutch. Any tips, Claudester?

Yipes, that's two people who thinks it's starting off slowly- would it be better to develop things much more quickly? May seem like an obvious question. I'll explain in IM, since my plot is rather laughable. :wink: Perhaps my plight shall be more apparent...

*grins* Grand critique! Thanks, Claude!

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Emerson
Review
Emerson wrote a review · Mon Jun 04, 2007 4:15 pm

Hey there Samster ;-) I'm finally around to give number two a shot.

into the wake of the cat-eyes boy below.
I think it should be "cat-eyed" though if you are doing eyes because of tense, I understand your confusion. Thats why you are doing it, is my guess. But even though the tense is present, I believe you should still say "Cat-eyed". You have it in some other sections, so I'd look around for this.

avoiding the careful, planned answers she had been dreaming up.
That looks funny. Why not, "Carefully planned,"?

They are harsh-looking, with sharp edges and iris dulled to black.
You're speaking in plurals, so I think you should say "irises" which looks weird, but it's proper.

“My, would you look at the time?” one of the Aunts says, pulling a small clock on a chain from within the folds of her skirt.
I think your tenses are messed up here, either because you got confused on whether your subject ("One of the aunts") was plural or singular, or the mix up of past and present tense. I think you need to structure it differently, the "pulling a small..." makes me think of past tense. Present would probably be "...the Aunts say and pulls a small..." or I could be wrong all together. I'm not well with any tense beyond past.

they like to be see the sunrise upon the beach.
Woah. I think you get what I'm talking about...

Both of sets of hands tremble as he leans forward, pressing his lips against hers, perhaps too gently.
Eh, what?

Okay, now to rambling!

The voice at the beginning drove me nuts. In fact, your voice pesters me in general. In the beginning, it has a narrator, but we don't know the narrator. In the other part, you're narratorless and detached and it kills. Really I'm thinking about it: Though you write awesomely, why do I want to read this? What is keeping me to it? The mysterious cat-eyed boy? It's a good story, but the voice weighs it down and I have no interest in the characters, and I can't sense conflict other than the distant and far away.

I think you need to get into a more personal 3rd person POV before we get bored of being so far away from your characters. Not that I don't love it ^^' I do.

Also: Why is she getting nervous before hand? You don't tell us, so it could be any number of things. Seemed kind of odd. This event, if done in a more personal way, could be good. And the kiss scene was...eh for me. I like your story, but then... I don't? What is it doing? Where is it going? I don't know. It still has a bit of the faerie tale mythology about it, but it needs more backbone.

Nice, though ^_^

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JC
Comment

Well, it't not that it isn't realistic, just that it seemed weird how automatically comfortable the Nicholas was at annabelle's house, I guess it's his nature, and it says that, but it just seemed....weird to me. It was however, realistic, just needed to be explained a bit further. Good luck with the plot, so far this is really good. =D

Keep up the good work!
-JC

Ganked it for a critique.

:D

Cheers,
Cal.

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Sam
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Thanks, Mat and JC!

Ah, 'tis the day of unconvincing motives. In the Pirates storybook, my character rants on about not having a uniform:

JACK: There weren't any uniforms at that time.
ME: ...crap.

And now, a rant about pie. It follows basically the same format. :wink: So, if you've got any suggestions- what would make it more realistic? I'm a bit worried about my ability to plot, at the moment. :P

Thanks again, guys! I shall fix 'temporarily', as well.

User avatar
JC
Review
JC wrote a review · Fri Jun 01, 2007 6:37 am

Yay! so you decided to continue this! That's awesome. This was awesome.

I couldn't find any mistakes...so that was good =D Bravo. Also, it flowed really well. Although it was a little weird for him to invite himself for pie...that didn't seem reasonable. I guess.

Anyways, seeing as I have nothing to critique on, I'm gonna go! Good job Sam, this was awesome!
-JC

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Insomnia
Review

Hey, Sam. :D Been looking forward to this... and now that it's here, I have nothing to crit. ;) Well, only one thing lol.

She is temporary stunned, perhaps hypnotized by his strange eyes.

I think 'temporary' in there should be temporarily.

And that's all I've got to crit lol. So I'll just leave you by saying I enjoyed this -especially the parts where the boy was talking. And seriously, eight thirty? O_O See you. :)

-Mat



We all share half a braincell that bounces like a windows screensaver
— WeepingWisteria