My Biggest Worry.

My Biggest Worry

I think my biggest worry is…

Not being able to see past my own two eyes.

As confusing as that might sound, its true.

Imagine being so stubborn that I can’t see past my own assumptions, questioning what's beyond my eyes when I can’t even meet with what’s right in front of me. Im worried that I won’t be able to see the vitality of the moment, while I focus on the pursuit for an endless “more”. What if the answers were right in front of me this whole time, but i go right ahead, brushing past it just to dwell on an unsaid future that no one guaranteed? I don’t want to make a wrong decision, but if I can’t meet past my own two eyes, how will I know?

The art of overthinking, or maybe I should deem it the art of stubbornness, if that’s even a word. To look past so much in life chasing a desired reality, just to put up a half-hearted patchwork show for the masses in my mind. To reach societal standards just because a dream was too far for them to reach? To forget to treasure the moment in front of me as I was chasing an imaginary train of lined up thoughts? To have dreamt too far, or not enough?

I hope to find a friend who’ll wear me down, see past all the decisions I may make on a whim, and to be there for me when I need. I hear all about “childhood best friends” who stay together since young, a buddy built in for life. And then I envy those with a best friend they picked up along the way, and just decided to always put each other first. And all the books that typed out the ideal best group of friends to have. But more often than not, I read this knowing it's fiction though I wish it was not. I wonder if I’ll have a best friend that I’ll get to always put first, and who will do the same.

But what if I’ve been fated to always be amongst it all? Floating around friends and withdrawing whenever I find something that doesnt stand morally with me? What if that’s what I’m best at doing, but I refuse to admit to it? Because I can’t see past my own two eyes to come to my senses with it? Or what if I am meant to find a bestfriend later in life, but my constant worry blinds the reality of patience and acceptance, hopefully not the lack of hope in the midst as well.

I have a dream, a direction, an ideal life. I wonder if I’m thinking too far, forgetting to look at the green grass of my current life. To fall prey into the rabbit hole of greediness, blind sighted to what really matters most to me now. Just so I can dream further and further, moulding myself to conform to a societal standard that is undefined. Yet who knows what I’d be doing if I didn't “conform” to the idea of having goals and being driven? Everything has its 2 faces, and what if I’m too blind to see the one I’m meant to realise, when it was right in front of me?

Give me some leeway, it's my first time living.

But I only have this once don’t I?

To build up whatever I can in the ways I’d hope for, yet to witness every repercussion crumble right in front of my eyes, just labeled as another motion of life. I worry that I’ll live in regret over the lack of ability to see past my stubborn nature, or to have been too ignorant to signs, made all the wrong decisions and have to live the repercussions, or to simply, watch what mattered to me most fade away in front of my own two eyes.

It's such a terrifying concept to watch the faceted realities show their characteristics, each haunting a what if in me. I worry too too much to see that now, but I’ll figure that out when I’m sober, though I am. By sober I don’t mean literally, but the idea of being matured enough to see what’s right in front of me, as well as further ahead, in a balance that allows me not to look back the timeline I can’t rewind. I’m well aware human nature means constant worries, regret, greed, questions, shitty decisions, and more repercussions. But what if I make one decision that forever scars my life that I have yet to see in full picture?

There’s no way to tell, except to keep living for the “thrill” of it all, dare I use that word to replace worry. Think of it like the concept of fear. No one fears specifics, we just fear the unknown of the moments yet to come. I’m worried when I’ll loose what's closest to me, when my efforts won’t pay off, or when my time will be up. But that’s because I care about the lack of knowledge about what’s to happen next. And so, I’m seeking an answer through explaining an endless possibility if “what ifs” as if they weren't unanswerable common sense. I won’t understand what's in front of me, or why what’s behind me is behind me, but that's not to go without saying I cant comprehend what's in front of my own two eyes as well. How I see it? A picture in time. How I’m supposed to see it? A monstrosity of worries?

I’m not all too sure, but I’m worried I’ll never be able to answer that either. I hope to find the inner peace of true acceptance, but I’m worried i’ll play it off with the impression of ignorance. I hope to come to terms with what’s in front of me, but I’m worried I won’t see far enough to take me anywhere. I’m worried I’m forgetting to take in the present in front of my own two eyes, but forgetting to be prepared enough that my own reality doesn't come shattering down in front of the same two eyes that were supposed to put my heart at peace, and my brain at rest.

I’m worried I’ll never fulfill my true life’s purpose, but I have no idea what it’s supposed to mean. Or that I do something so wrong I’ll never make it right.

I’m worried I’ll never be able to understand what truly matters and what doesn't, as well as not having the answers to every pressing question one might have.

I’m worried I’ll leave before I know it all, not that I was ever planning on doing so.

I guess my biggest worry is truly the unknown,

in the pursuit of trying to know as much as possible. Not being able to fathom my reality, and forever living a “what if” just to comfort an unanswered soul.