Young Writers Society

Hiya SalmanK, here to review!

Well, this is certainly different to say the least. I wasn't really sure what message you were trying to put across, and with a piece like this that needs to be far clearer. I like the whole idea of how you're talking about a certain phase of life where you stop caring, and the metaphors you used to show this was rather amusing.

One concern I had with this is the fact that there were too many exclamation marks. Exclamation marks are a great things because they can be very effective, when used properly. Right now, you're using them on almost all the lines, and it's making the voice in my head shout the lines D:. This isn't good, so remember, use your exclamation marks in moderation!

Secondly there are a couple grammar issue I'd like to point out here:

Your in a meeting with suited and booted publishers.Your agent trying his best to convince them that your next book wont be a disaster!

Your washing the dishes.You see a leftover meatball crawling its way from the greasy plate and descending into the dark hole of the sink!

Okay, hey salaman! Black here for a Review!

Well, I'll give you this! I'd definitely call this a 'dramatic' piece. Your style really does dramatic well! You put everything together really well, and those abstract, weird sentences you use really give this piece a defining edge! I must truly emphasize how really DRAMATIC this was! Good work there!

However, you do have a few problems. This piece feels incomplete, as though you were going along fine with your whole point and then just cut off, leaving out something. Also, your guy here really is not seeming like the at all pleasant type. AT ALL. Drinking . . . pot . . . stuff like that really just gives him a bad reputation! Of course that would have been intentional, in which case good work! Your grammar is not at all the best (It's going to probably be my concentration in this review) and you 'ahem' used a certain cussword . . . quote:

fuck

You are smoking pot.Big curling ribbons of yellow smoke covering up your room like the fog covers a highway on a cold winter morning!

You see the your clothes moving inside the washing machine.

Oh there is my dirty under wear!

Your in a meeting with suited and booted publishers.Your agent trying his best to convince them that your next book wont be a disaster!

Your washing the dishes.You see a leftover meatball crawling its way from the greasy plate and descending into the dark hole of the sink!

You are in a bar in situated in the middle of nowhere until the bartender calls out loud

"Last order!"

The deserted meat ball is enjoy freedom in the drains of the public sewer!

You sometimes come across your old nemesis,in my case unpaid bills and rents!

Hello,
I liked the format of this piece a lot. I think the story was good, and overall an interesting topic to write about. None of your sentences we awkward or anything, so that's good.
However,
I think that you should work on using some more descriptive words. If you need to, use a thesaurus. I feel that the words you're using don't fully lend to this story what they need to. I've said this before, you don't need to be shakespeare, but give the story words that give the reader a bigger idea. Describe describe describe!
Also, the exclamation marks in this piece... are a little excessive. I'd cut down on using them, so that when you do use them they seem more loud, and special. I feel that most of the places you're using them don't benefit from it, or really need it in the first place.
To conclude,
THE GOOD
-good story
-nice plot sequence
-No awkward sentences
THE BAD
-language is not descriptive
-words used are simple
-too many exclamation marks
Thanks for posting, it was really fun to read!
Keep on writing!