Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Other » Narrative

12+ Language

Phases of life

by SalmanK


You are smoking pot.Big curling ribbons of yellow smoke covering up your room like the fog covers a highway on a cold winter morning!

You see the your clothes moving inside the washing machine.

Oh there is my dirty under wear!

Your in a meeting with suited and booted publishers.Your agent trying his best to convince them that your next book wont be a disaster!

Your washing the dishes.You see a leftover meatball crawling its way from the greasy plate and descending into the dark hole of the sink!

You are in a bar in situated in the middle of nowhere until the bartender calls out loud

"Last order!"

Oh there is the shirt you wore when you were walking in the rain with the love of your life!Memory is too like a splash of oil paint on a skinny wall,it fades with time!

Your agent finally convinced them of something.You dont know what it is because frankly in this phase of life you just dont give a fuck about anything!

The deserted meat ball is enjoy freedom in the drains of the public sewer!

In this phase of life you only tell the bartender about what you are thinking to write!They seem like the only people who care and maybe its because your drunk!Every inch of your stomach filled with alcohol!

You sometimes come across your old nemesis,in my case unpaid bills and rents!


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
532 Reviews


Points: 27927
Reviews: 532

Donate
Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:47 pm
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hiya SalmanK, here to review!

Well, this is certainly different to say the least. I wasn't really sure what message you were trying to put across, and with a piece like this that needs to be far clearer. I like the whole idea of how you're talking about a certain phase of life where you stop caring, and the metaphors you used to show this was rather amusing.

One concern I had with this is the fact that there were too many exclamation marks. Exclamation marks are a great things because they can be very effective, when used properly. Right now, you're using them on almost all the lines, and it's making the voice in my head shout the lines D:. This isn't good, so remember, use your exclamation marks in moderation!

Secondly there are a couple grammar issue I'd like to point out here:

Your in a meeting with suited and booted publishers.Your agent trying his best to convince them that your next book wont be a disaster!

and here:
Your washing the dishes.You see a leftover meatball crawling its way from the greasy plate and descending into the dark hole of the sink!

It's the same mistake, remember that-
'Your' is possessive, it belongs to someone. 'You're' is short for 'you are'. Just think that the apostrophe (') acts as the missing letter, so in this case 'a'.

Lastly, maybe just go into a bit more detail, I'd say. What you've got so far is good but maybe you could expand on it a bit more. I mean, I could totally imagine this being read aloud in a monologue for a play or something similar. Maybe think of the action that could go with it. Something to think about :)

I hope this review helped, PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review.

Keep Writing!
-Arc x



Random avatar
SalmanK says...


can you please review my other works as well :)



User avatar
303 Reviews


Points: 11152
Reviews: 303

Donate
Wed May 29, 2013 10:06 pm
StoneHeart wrote a review...



Okay, hey salaman! Black here for a Review!

Well, I'll give you this! I'd definitely call this a 'dramatic' piece. Your style really does dramatic well! You put everything together really well, and those abstract, weird sentences you use really give this piece a defining edge! I must truly emphasize how really DRAMATIC this was! Good work there!

However, you do have a few problems. This piece feels incomplete, as though you were going along fine with your whole point and then just cut off, leaving out something. Also, your guy here really is not seeming like the at all pleasant type. AT ALL. Drinking . . . pot . . . stuff like that really just gives him a bad reputation! :) Of course that would have been intentional, in which case good work! Your grammar is not at all the best (It's going to probably be my concentration in this review) and you 'ahem' used a certain cussword . . . quote:

fuck

Just mind you here that we do allow cussing on this site. But you HAVE to keep it minimal . . . words as . . . severe, as this one really should be avoided (And NEVER directed at anyone for sure!). Just warning you! Be careful with this!

Okay, so in this review I'm going to be concentrating on your main weakness: Grammar! You really are VERY weak here and need a lot of work! Most of your mistakes could be fixed easily of you simply sat down and read your work out loud to yourself (It really does work!) or just got yourself a good grammar checker. If you wish me to review it you must remember that at the end of the day it's all up to YOU to make sure that you read this review and take my advice!

Okay, first off: I don't really see how this piece's theme corresponds to 'Phases of life', I'd advise you to re-read it yourself, look into it extensively, and then possibly re-write it . . . Really though, I don't see how. All I see is a crazy soundin' guy who is half/nutso half writer who's just sitting around stewing in a pointless hell . . . his life.

Also, I might add, if this IS a story then you need to step back a bit and put in a WHOLE LOT MORE DETAIL! I get the feeling it isn't so you're probably perfectly safe in this point! Just sayin'.

For your grammar: I'm here for nit-picking, so be prepared!

You are smoking pot.Big curling ribbons of yellow smoke covering up your room like the fog covers a highway on a cold winter morning!


Okay, just a note on general grammar: You ALWAYS put a space after a period. End of Story! Don't argue, just make it a habit, it's easy! No need to repeat 'smoking' and the 'up' there shouldn't be there. Read this out loud to yourself!

You see the your clothes moving inside the washing machine.

Oh there is my dirty under wear!


Odd sentences here! Comma after 'Oh', and you should probably italicize this entire sentence. That first one . . . I have no idea why it's there. Be careful not to put sentences like it in just for effect or fluff!

Your in a meeting with suited and booted publishers.Your agent trying his best to convince them that your next book wont be a disaster!

Your washing the dishes.You see a leftover meatball crawling its way from the greasy plate and descending into the dark hole of the sink!


Double example of instances where you A: Use 'your' instead of 'you're' and B: Don't put a space after the periods! Also, I think 'booted' is a bit of a messy word to use. This meatball is creeping me out! Is this guy gone insane and having hallucinations or something?!

You are in a bar in situated in the middle of nowhere until the bartender calls out loud

"Last order!"


You don't want this here like this! You can take both of these sentences and combine them into one. Either that or put a period after 'loud'.

The deserted meat ball is enjoy freedom in the drains of the public sewer!


This guy's seriously freakin' me out. :)

You sometimes come across your old nemesis,in my case unpaid bills and rents!


See what I mean by a rather abrupt ending? I'd advise you to put in more details or end with something other than an exclamation!

That covers most of your mistakes, but the real problem is in your style. It's a problem that can only be fixed through time. Time and practice. Lots and lots of practice.

Keep writing - I Guarantee that you will improve!


~Black~



Random avatar
SalmanK says...


I Am currently Working on a story.This is just the starting of scene 2 of the story as i wrote in the description i just wanted to see if people like the style of what iam writing ofcourse its incomplete



User avatar
14 Reviews


Points: 243
Reviews: 14

Donate
Wed May 29, 2013 12:01 am
cj2344 wrote a review...



Hello,
I liked the format of this piece a lot. I think the story was good, and overall an interesting topic to write about. None of your sentences we awkward or anything, so that's good.
However,
I think that you should work on using some more descriptive words. If you need to, use a thesaurus. I feel that the words you're using don't fully lend to this story what they need to. I've said this before, you don't need to be shakespeare, but give the story words that give the reader a bigger idea. Describe describe describe!
Also, the exclamation marks in this piece... are a little excessive. I'd cut down on using them, so that when you do use them they seem more loud, and special. I feel that most of the places you're using them don't benefit from it, or really need it in the first place.
To conclude,
THE GOOD
-good story
-nice plot sequence
-No awkward sentences
THE BAD
-language is not descriptive
-words used are simple
-too many exclamation marks
Thanks for posting, it was really fun to read!
Keep on writing!





Remember: the plot is nothing more than footprints left in the snow after your characters have run by on their way to incredible destinations.
— Ray Bradbury