Published October 16, 2009
Well, these is my first poem to publish in here and I truly hope you like it,
It was written in 5 : 5 : 2009
They say: scars fade,
They say: old wounds heals with time pases by,
But i just don't think so !
it's not that easy to forgive
and as hell i can't forget
The hate eats me a live
it absorb my mind, time and soul ..
and i don't know what to do when i feel that the way I'm handling things is the right thing to do !
plus I'm tired of people jumping into my face telling me that they know a better way !
i'm sick of not being able to let go,
it's so hard you don't even know.
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140,623 Literary Works • 673,565 Reviews
Through out this poem you only used a capital for 'I' once! Please change this!
Some parts were very confusing. I hope my review and the reviews of others help with this! Over all, though, I liked it.
Keep writing!
~Durrance
Well, I like the mood of this piece. It seems like it could be used very powerfully. However, your punctuation is rather lacking. Capitalize all your 'I's and the first letter in a scentence. Also, there does not need to be a space between a word and an exclamation mark.
I think I understand what you mean to say in this poem. Work on what I and the other reviewers have suggested, and you'll get somewhere.
-Kelcia
The colons detract from the poem as a whole, I would suggest taking them out.
"But i just don't think so !"
That's not very good. You don't capitalize "I", for one, and the exclamation point is unnecessary and unwise. Plus, you've put a space in front of it, which is improper grammar.
"and i don't know what to do when i feel that the way I'm handling things is the right thing to do !
plus I'm tired of people jumping into my face telling me that they know a better way !"
This sounds like you're having an offhand conversation with a friend, instead of explaining your feelings with poetic words.
I do like the meaning behind it as you've explained it, though. Keep working! Your spelling and grammar was actually very good for someone who doesn't speak English as a first language.
Hmm I do know. And I got to say I didn't feel the anger here, nor the sarrow.
These 2 lines break the flow and rhythem of your poem. You should cut them inhalf and put them into 2 lines, it'd help.And you're right I don't really seem to know. If you did put some more imagery and things in, I'd love to know. =] Becuase Its a common topic and I'd like to see expansion.
Gooduck. Keep writing.
Silented1.
Well, first off you have a few typos in here. You need to capitalise your 'I's and you also need to capitalise the words, at the start of lines, which need to be capitalised. Think of it like prose: if it follows a period/exclamation mark/question mark then it needs to be capitalized. You also might want to reconsider some of your punctuation.
Another thing that bugged me were the line breaks here. You kind of have a couple of really long lines that should probably be split. That way the poem will flow much better.
If I were you I would also expand on some ideas you have here. Delve behind the initial emotions and explore the reasons, explore some more feelings and emotions. That way your poem will really connect to people.
Hope I helped!
~Amy
Welcome to YWS my dear! I do hope you feel welcomed.
I'm Kamas, and I've been too busy to review lately, but I have some time now so here we are.
Mizz covered most of the points I wanted to touch. One of the biggest suggestion I can give to you is to avoid posting your name. It is just for your safety, though everyone here is very nice but just as a measure. Also, you don't have to go through the trouble of having the date and time. It's recorded at the top of your post automatically.
Don't worry about your grammar and spelling, english is my second language (I am born French) but I've had a lot of practice. There is a spell check button in the top right corner when you post. Click that and it will underline all the errors in the post. When you click on the underlined errors, options will pop up. Choose the correct one. If you are unsure, leave it as it is and a reviewer will point out the correct spelling.
So I will be reviewing the poem from the edited version you posted:
I suggest getting rid of the colon (:) in the first line. It is usually used to indicate the beginning of a list, but you're give us a poem! Not a list!
I would make the first line more like: But I just do not think so!
But that is your choice, I just have a personal disliking for things like 'don't' and 'isn't' etc. (The word for them escapes me at the moment)
As for the last line, when you had 'hell' in it I believe you meant to say : I sure as hell cannot forget.
Choose whatever line you like better in your poem
The last line is very long and quite a mouthful. Maybe cutting it so it is a new line? I suggest cutting it like this: (with some edits)
And I don't know what to do when i feel that way
I'm handling things is the right thing to do!
The part I put in bold does not make much sense. Do you mean : I'm handling thing the way I think is the right thing to do!
The first line is also a little bit long. I suggest you change it to something like this:
I'm tired of people jumping in my face saying they know a better way!
The last two lines don't make sense. I think you should try something like this:
I'm sick of not being able to let go, it's so hard.
So hard I wish you would know.
It would make a little bit more sense.
Well then that's all I have for you at the moment. I hope you love your YWS experience and that you continue to write and improve on your poetry.
If you need any help or have any questions whatsoever PM me!
~Kamas
Hello Salma
) Welcome to YWS! I'm new here myself, but I haven't got around to posting anything yet ^^ Just wanted to say I really liked your poem 
) I think Mizz basically corrected everything, but I don't find anything else wrong and I think the idea is very good 
Oh, and your English is absolutely fine so don't worry xD I'm from Lebanon myself so I know what you mean 
Anyways, good luck with all your other posts!
-Pearla
Hello Mizz =) .. First I want to thank you for your replay; it was definitely encouraging
.
Here is the poem as you suggested:
They say: scars fade
They say old wounds heal as time passes by
But I just don't think so!
it's not that easy to forgive
and I'm sure i can't forget
The hate eats me alive
it absorbs my mind, time and soul.
and i don't know what to do when i feel that the way I'm handling things is the right thing to do !
I'm tired of people jumping into my face telling me that they know a better way !
I'm sick of not being able to let go,
it's so hard I wish you would know.
I have to say that I agree with you. it's better these way
But I still think that I should explain these:
The poem is about someone who is so hurt that he can't get over it,
he tries but never success. So he can't forgive those who keep on hurting him even though he knows that he should, So basically he is very confused person. He is good inside and he would like to take the high road and forgive those people but the ache in his heart is much larger and it won't allow him to forgive, And he knows that if he opened a new page with these people there only gonna hurt him more; So it's the right thing for him to keep him save but a wrong way in general. His torn apart between it =$
And it's controlling him so much that he can't take it any more.
* Please excuse my mistakes in spelling, cause I'm native Arabic it's a bite harder for me.
Hello Salma! Welcome to YWS!
I absolutely understand what you are saying in this poem. I do like that I can relate to it.
I would reword the bottom line as:
They say old wounds heal as time passes by,
I think think the colons are unnecessary.
You shouldn't have space between the o in 'so' and the exclamation mark. Also capitalize the 'I'.
So it should be:
But I just don't think so!
The last line doesn't make much sense to me. What do mean by "as hell"? Perhaps you need to rephrase that.
Alive is one word. I do like the passion in that verse.
The hate eats me alive
it absorbs my mind, time and soul.
I don't quite understand what you mean. If you think the way you are doing things is the right thing to do, then why are you saying "I don't know what to do." It doesn't make much sense. As a reader, I feel very confused.
I like this. It's very clear and makes sense to me as a reader. I can relate to it. I would get rid of the 'plus'.
I don't think it's ever a good idea to explain things in such a manner. It puts the reader off. We don't want to be told that we don't know. We want to know. That's why we're reading this poem. Try and explain what you mean exactly. I recommend that you read lots of good poetry. The thing with poetry is that, as poets we have to find the perfect word, the perfect image. I personally find writing poetry more difficult than writing a short story. So, don't feel discouraged. Keep reading, and keep writing. It'll pay off in the end.
Congrats on posting your first poem on YWS! I hope to see more of your poetry.