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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Mature Content

Chapter 1: Discovery

by SalisRuinen


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.

Heavy rain was pouring from the skies over the city of Deckstoru.

It had rained many times there and it was always pretty much the same – drops of water fall from the clouds and hit the ground.

What was special about the rain that fell on the city on 13 May, 59 AOA* was that drops of water weren’t the only thing falling from the skies.

No. It also rained naked unconscious people that day.

A boy in his late teens with chestnut hair that remained spiky in spite of the rain and grass-green eyes was passing through a park on his way home when the above mentioned strange weather phenomenon occurred.

He wore a navy blue jacket with short sleeves and navy blue pants, which had silver lightning patters at the end of the legs of the pants and at the end of the sleeves and the waist area of the jacket. The shoulders and the outside of the collar of the jacket were also covered in another fabric with light gray color while underneath the jacket he wore a T-shirt made of a strange mail-like material with bluish-gray color.

The people who were at the park and on the streets around it at the time had focused on finding shelter from the rain.

The spiky-haired boy named Hikaru* Summerbolt wasn’t one of them.

Instead of walking fast and not paying attention to his surroundings, he tried to absorb every detail of his environment.

Why? Because he loved the rain. He loved lightning bolts even better. And thunderstorms he loved most of all.

Hence he was irritated by the panicked expressions of the people in the park around him who behaved as if an apocalyptic event had been unleashed upon them, neither them nor he realizing that such an event was going to take place in that very park soon enough.

Suddenly there was a chill in the air.

Not all that unusual. But this chill wasn’t like the one you would usually feel during an early summer rain.

It pierced the young man who took pride in being able to handle the cold quite well through the bones and made him shiver and stop in the middle of a lane in the park.

What followed was even more shocking as a small crystal that at first seemed to be made of glass fell on his lips. It was a snowflake.

Slightly disturbed by the changes of the weather, he increased his pace a bit as he continued down the lane but evidently he didn’t do it fast enough since he was still in the park when a light ripped through some of the clouds above him.

Lightning bolts now appeared in the sky which would’ve made Summerbolt very happy under different circumstances but that wasn’t the case now as the lightning bolts turned white near the area enveloped in white light and the sound of thunder caused by their appearance was much louder than usual.

As the air turned colder, a ray of white energy was shot down from the part of the sky where there were no clouds, hitting the ground in the park not five meters from where Hikaru stood.

The roar of the ray hitting the ground could be heard in every corner of Deckstoru and the tremor caused by this could also be felt across the city but no one experienced it as fully as the spiky-haired teenager. He was enveloped in silence due to the deafening sound of the ray as it hit the park and thrown back by its momentum, crushing in a nearby shrub.

As he fell to the ground it took a while for him to find his footing or for his ears to stop ringing from the strain they had experienced.

He himself could not tell how long had passed but one thing was certain: the chill in the air had disappeared as had much of the snowflakes and all of the lightning bolts in the sky, now fully covered in gray clouds with no white light or energy being visible anywhere.

Hikaru shook his head a few times to fully come back to his senses, the last of the five that responded being his sense of smell.

Fire. Something was burning.

His nose directed him to the source of the smell – a smoke-covered crater next to the lane down which he was walking when the energy ray hit the ground.

The smell of the grass and some of the shrubs burning as well as that of the smoke that came as a result of this was normal but the color of the flames was not.

They were pale blue in color and as Summerbolt came closer to the crater he felt a chill coming from them as well as the usual heat emitted by fire.

Another disturbing characteristic of these flames was the fact that although their volume was small, the heavy downpour of the rain didn’t seem to affect and cause them to diminish one bit.

Inquisitive in nature, Hikaru went inside the crater to inspect the strange flames up close. What he found amidst the smoke shocked him much more that the pale blue fire ever could.

He felt he stepped on something upon reaching the centre of the crater. Something soft. Definitely not dirt. With a waving motion of his arm the veil of smoke around the boy was cleared so he could get a better look at what he had stepped on, finding out it was a hand.

In particular, the hand belonged to a naked unconscious girl that looked around the same age as Summerbolt.

She had long straight snow-white hair that turned light blue towards the end of the tresses, light, almost pale skin, rosy lips, rather small in stature but her most striking feature was the birth mark she carried on her left cheek.

Two short diagonal lines parallel to each other.

There were a few scratches and bruises on her skin but there were no signs of more serious injuries.

Hikaru checked for a pulse on her neck and found the girl was alive, hearing something just then.

He directed his attention toward the sound which came from the many short metallic poles with three dark orange lines on them on circular platforms spread throughout the park as they were throughout the streets of the city.

The small orbs atop the antennas on each side of the poles that were dark until now had started flashing in blue, the shells of the poles opening up and alarm lights coming out, starting to turn and emitting an amber light, all of this accompanied by loud alarm sounds.

Hikaru knew all too well what those sirens meant. They indicated a deva energy output above the legally permitted levels.

That meant the reason for this energy ray hitting the park, for the strange flames that had sprung around the crater formed by the ray and the appearance of this naked unconscious girl within that crater was someone or something’s deva.

Given the situation, Summerbolt had two options: leave the girl so that the proper authorities could deal with her or take her and leave as fast as possible in order to help her himself.

Within a minute after the activation of the deva sensor alarms he had covered the white-haired girl with his jacket as best as he could and had used short-distance teleportation through his lightning deva to leave the park and appear on the street beyond the boulevard that ran parallel to the park.

The output of his teleportation was much lesser than that of the energy ray considering the power he felt from it so no one would notice the spiky-haired teenager’s actions.

As the area started to fill up with people drawn to the sound of the alarms, he strode off, knowing full well he had just broken a law. Again. He didn’t mind much as first and foremost he was a deviant. And deviants needed to support each other in order to survive in this world controlled by ordinari.

That was his and the Summerbolts’ motto.

As usual, abiding by this motto was going to get him in a lot of trouble, starting with the fact that his focus on the girl had prevented him from realizing someone was following him.

That someone revealed himself when Hikaru reached a completely empty back alley, turning out to be a boy the same age as him with golden yellow hair that was much less spiky and whose fringe was longer, yellow eyes being visible between the strands of the fringe, his skin color being a few tones darker than Summerbolt’s, body-wise being a bit more muscular and taller than the spiky-haired teenager.

The undergarment this boy wore seemed to be made of the same mail-like material like Hikaru’s T-shirt, combining small amounts of gray and large amounts of bright yellow, the parts that covered his upper trapezius being black, having a large black pitchfork-like symbol on the chest. No jacket or any upper layer of clothing though and only dark yellow shorts with square patters on them reaching just above his knees on the lower half of his body, some parts of him being covered in other ways.

Namely, he had a black sleeve that covered his left arm from just beneath the shoulder to the wrist with golden bands at both ends, a stocking with a similar design being put on his right leg from under the knee to the ankle.

The boy across Summerbolt had a villainous grin on his face and that angered the spiky-haired teenager. He’d been caught too soon by none other than his greatest enemy – Seiren Blackscale.

‘-Going somewhere, Summerbolt? Like away from the crime scene in that park over there?’

‘-How’d you know there’s a crime scene there?’

‘-Found that one where that white energy ray hit the ground?’

‘-What’s it to you?’

‘-She a deviant?’

‘-Don’t know yet. You haven’t answered my previous questions, though.’

‘-I don’t answer questions used to answer my questions. Since I asked first, you ought to start talking.’

‘-Make me.’

Seiren’s grin disappeared now. He had dropped the act.

‘-I could do that but I don’t think drawing unnecessary attention to the two of you would benefit you.’

Summerbolt and Blackscale were indeed rivals for as long as they had known each other, but first and foremost they were deviants and their top priority was always helping their kind.

‘-Getting involved in this won’t benefit you either, Blackscale. Might as well walk away and pretend you didn’t see me.’

‘-You’re really overestimating yourself if you think you can deal with this alone.’

‘-I’d prefer to risk it than accept help from you.’

‘-And under normal circumstances I would never help you. But I would like to help her.’

It would be easier if they worked together and something needed to be done about this girl as fast as possible.

He had even warned Seiren about the danger but the bastard insisted so whatever happened to him from here on would be on his head.

‘-Alright then. Let’s see if you can be of any use to her.’

‘-Probably more than you.’

The duo had been formed. These two were capable of achieving great things when they set aside their differences but neither one knew that even their teamwork wasn’t going to be enough to get them out of the trouble they were heading towards.

AOA* – coming from the chronology system on the planet of Saiten (where the action takes place) in the present, all years prior to 59 years ago having the acronym BOA after them, meaning “Before the Ordinari Advent”, all years after – the acronym AOA, meaning “After the Ordinari Advent”;

Hikaru* – from Jap. “hikari” – light;


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1488 Reviews


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Fri Mar 11, 2022 10:34 am
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Ok I noticed your most recent chapter in the Green Room and as the title of your novel is practically my username I thought it must be fate that I should come and review it xD

I wanted to get some context for the chapter so I've come all the way back to the start, but it looks like both Col and Forever have given you some pretty great reviews so I'll likely keep this one short and focus more efforts on later chapters.

I think the shock factor you have at the beginning of the chapter is really good to get people hooked but I think you could tweak it a little to make it cleaner:

Heavy rain was pouring from the skies over the city of Deckstoru.

It had rained many times there so this particular fact was not strange or unusual and it was always pretty much the same – drops of water fall from the clouds and hit the ground.

What was strange and unusual special about the rain that fell on the city on 13 May, 59 AOA* was that drops of water weren’t the only thing falling from the skies.

No. It also rained naked unconscious people that day.

It's very similar to what you already had, but I think playing up the strange is a good opening, and removing some of the unnecessary words can help to keep your reader interested. I'd also agree with Forever about AOA - the use of an acronym so early on alienates the reader and it tends to be best practice to write the full words out the first time at least.

A boy in his late teens with chestnut hair that remained spiky in spite of the rain and grass-green eyes was passing through a park on his way home when the above mentioned strange weather phenomenon occurred.

He wore a navy blue jacket with short sleeves and navy blue pants, which had silver lightning patters at the end of the legs of the pants and at the end of the sleeves and the waist area of the jacket. The shoulders and the outside of the collar of the jacket were also covered in another fabric with light gray color while underneath the jacket he wore a T-shirt made of a strange mail-like material with bluish-gray color.

I wouldn't go into descriptions at this stage. It feels very hard to introduce a character without describing them but it can be nicer to pepper descriptions throughout rather than doing them all at once. I also don't think you need to give the meaning behind his name in the footnotes. If a reader is interested they can look that up.

Hence he was irritated by the panicked expressions of the people in the park around him who behaved as if an apocalyptic event had been unleashed upon them, neither them nor he realizing that such an event was going to take place in that very park soon enough.

This section is a bit confusing as you've mentioned that humans are raining down, but I didn't realise we'd gone back to when it was just rain.

Lightning bolts now appeared in the sky which would’ve made Summerbolt very happy under different circumstances but that wasn’t the case now as the lightning bolts turned white near the area enveloped in white light and the sound of thunder caused by their appearance was much louder than usual.

You've got a few long run-on sentences like this in the chapter - watch out for those!

I also found it a bit odd that you kept going back and forth between calling the character by his first and last name. At one point I thought it was two different people! I would personally pick one way of mentioning him in the chapter and stick to it.

The pacing in general is good, and I think it holds attention well. I'm looking forward to see where you go with this, because it's such an unusual concept. Hope this was helpful!

Icy




SalisRuinen says...


Thank you for the review!
All the comments made are much appreaciated! I hope I've fixed at least some, if not all of the things you've mentioned in the following chapters.
And I'm constantly trying to improve my work, so I hope you'll like it!



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Tue Feb 08, 2022 10:19 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey!! Forever here with a review!!

First of all, I would like to talk a bit about the beginning. The beginning isn't the catchiest beginning one would expect. You can take a look on this article. It lists how to get the beginning right and can be helpful. Cliches are always best to be avoided.

What was special about the rain that fell on the city on 13 May, 59 AOA* was that drops of water weren’t the only thing falling from the skies.

No. It also rained naked unconscious people that day.

This portion can be a good one to start from if you want. Just modify it a little bit and you will be done.

Another thing I would like to point out(though not very important) is written footnotes. Here at least those could be easily avoided. Instead of AOA, write After the Ordinari advent and then in a bracket write AOA. And I am not sure why you included the Hikaru thing but I feel that is kind of unnecessary.

Next, the descriptions. The descriptions of the clothes of these two people seem to be a bit redundant. I don't know if those are really important but if not, I would suggest to remove them. How unnatural it might sound, you need not have to have all the clothing details of a person to imagine them. If you want to put descriptions, do it but spread it here and there. Description dumping is not a very good practise.

Jumping into the story, it was quite intriguing. We have a lot of fantasy here, I see. From what I can understand, once upon a time, the world was in the hand of these 'Deviants' and then the Ordinari came and took over the world. I wonder who these Deviants and Ordinari are. Well, about the term 'deviant', internet told me a lot of things but what about 'ordinari'? Is it just a modification of the word ordinary and mean the same? It would be good if you could somehow include bits about these two terms in the story itself.

Anyway, the story promises to be interesting. The characters do have somw realistic characteristics which I think is quite a good trait. Hikaru seems to be our protagonist and I love how a one relation which is not very common was introduced in the first chapter itself. I wonder what is the cause behind Seiren and Hokaru's enemity. Of coureae, there are plenty of chances that those can be explained a bit later but I just wanted to point out the fact that there shoild be one reason. What I kind of like is the fact that both of these characters seem to be positive ones and yet they are enemies. Hmm... Interesting! As long as they unite when their people are in need, I don't think any big trouble is going to approach.

Overall, it was a solid start to a novel. Please tag me when you post the second chapter.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




SalisRuinen says...


Thank you very much for the review! I wanted the first few lines of the story to sound as normal as possible so the reader won't expect what comes next but I'll consider your suggestion to change it up a bit.
For the footnotes I didn't think of giving a simplified explanation of the acronym in brackets so will change that. As for the origin of Hikaru's name, its meaning is another hint that he is the main protagonist, not necessarily the 'light', but definitely the focus of the story. And it also has a connection with his mother's abilities.
Thank you very much for pointing out lenghty descriptions of the clothes aren't necessary! I myself don't like writing such long descriptions but thought it was necessary to give a better idea of the characters' appearance.
'Ordinari' is indeed a modification of 'ordinary' to represent the group that stands opposite the deviants, which I chose because unlike the word representing the group the main characters belong to, I couldn't find a ready-to-use antonym that sounded right to me and decided to modify one of the existing antonyms.
More will be revealed about the connection between the ordinari and the deviants in the third chapter of the story and as for Seiren and Hikaru's rivalry - there's a number of reasons for it, some of it known to the two, others - not yet. Those will be revealed as well bit by bit.



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Fri Feb 04, 2022 3:36 pm
Col3 wrote a review...



Hey Col3 here for a review!

Let me just say wow. What a detailed and well written chapter. Now lets get into it.

"Heavy rain was pouring from the skies over the city of Deckstoru.

It had rained many times there and it was always pretty much the same – drops of water fall from the clouds and hit the ground." Okay so nothing all too special happening here, all we know is that it is raining.

"No. It also rained naked unconscious people that day." Okayyyyy so that was unexpected. What a twist! I feel a bit of foreshadowing here.

"A boy in his late teens with chestnut hair that remained spiky in spite of the rain and grass-green eyes was passing through a park on his way home when the above mentioned strange weather phenomenon occurred." Well, it seems like we are getting introduced to our main character!

For all I can say the first half of this chapter was amazing, I love the suspense and the way you described everything, not too much detail but enough for us to know what is going on. Now on to the second half:

"As the air turned colder, a ray of white energy was shot down from the part of the sky where there were no clouds, hitting the ground in the park not five meters from where Hikaru stood." Now that would have been terrifying, any ordinary person would start running to get out of there.

"They were pale blue in color and as Summerbolt came closer to the crater he felt a chill coming from them as well as the usual heat emitted by fire." It seems like our protagonist decided to walk up to the mysterious crater

"In particular, the hand belonged to a naked unconscious girl that looked around the same age as Summerbolt." Ohh, is this yet another person being introduced, or the person who was foreshadowed at the beginning.


"The boy across Summerbolt had a villainous grin on his face and that angered the spiky-haired teenager. He’d been caught too soon by none other than his greatest enemy – Seiren Blackscale." Every story needs that villain, looks like we are introduced to the villain of this story.

"The duo had been formed. These two were capable of achieving great things when they set aside their differences but neither one knew that even their teamwork wasn’t going to be enough to get them out of the trouble they were heading towards." Now it looks like the rivals have made a pact to help this girl. It also looks like more foreshadowing. This makes me really excited for the next chapter!

I'm not going to go into more details so I'll end it here. In all, I have to say that this was one amazing chapter and I can't wait to see what the other chapters have in store.

Thank you for this wonderful chapter and have a good day/night!




SalisRuinen says...


Thank you so much for this review!!! I'm glad my work received such a positive response with just the first chapter. I've been sick the past couple of days, so sadly I wasn't able to upload any more chapters but will make up for it soon enough!



Col3 says...


Oh hey! no problem for the review! And I hope that you feel better soon :)




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