Hey guys, I haven't posted in a while and I just wrote this poem today. I'm not entirely sure why I am calling it Saggittarius, it just came to my mind as I was reading over it. Anyways, please review if you have the time and I hope you enjoy. Thanks. ♥
Strength brewed black,
Gratefully caged,
Like birds who sing,
And then fly out into the sky,
In storms.
In spectrums and crouds,
But standing alone,
She wrote,
She burned,
She wrote.
And when the clouds,
Hid behind the sun,
Colours, colours,
On her hands.
She took them,
Scattered them along the earth,
Where they were mixed with the wind and rain,
And brought home.
x
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Hey Sakura! Sorry for my late comment! So, a poem, eh? Let's go onto it with a simple review!
I haven't found the exact reason why you titled your piece 'Sagittarius'. But that's what's great in it. You, as an author, presents your broad mind and perspective in a veiled enigma, puzzling readers with a rare beauty. I simply like that concept.
The poem WAS strong. It was told in a very subtle way, but the emotion shouts beneath the words you covered them up with. I especially like the verses:
"She wrote,
She burned,
She wrote."
It WAS a bit confusing but it brings out a great effect.
I underwent a few problems as I try to reflect it though. In the first stanza, you compared strength with birds. The comparison was great, but the imagery didn't work out. Like birds 'who' sing, when read, is a bit of a problem. The next verse after was great, but it's lacking some depth. Try interchanging it. The verse 'In storms' is the most confusing one. In my head, I asked, did the birds flew in storm-like swarms? Or they flew inTO storms? Also, adding some depth into that part might work wonders too.
I especially like the second stanza. The only verse which brought confusion was the first one. It didn't connect with any verse told before or after. It might need some more description. Try to tell what is 'in'.
At the third verse, first line, you said 'when'. This didn't exactly work out because you didn't add any verse which compensates the tense. I know grammar is convened in poetry, but these ones still matter, especially to the imagination the readers get when they read it. Also, using hid means that it just happened. If you're trying to say that they were, are and always will be behind clouds, use another word.
Ah, the fourth one! Such a beauty! I think this is the most poetic stanza in the poem. It has great depth and very flexible. At the third verse, though, you had a bit too long. Not that length matters. Shortening it can make it a bit better, and again, with the depth.
So, that's all! I've said everything from concept to grammar! I hope I helped!
Your pal,
Al