z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

ataraxy.

by micamouth


Among the shadows of summer,

I watch the darkness grow.

Where sunlight fades, the ink of night

Soaks into the colour of day like poison,

With nothing to distinguish black from white.

We are one and the same, no matter

Whether we define ourselves as different.

We breathe the same air, do we not?

We eat the same prey, do we not?

We are one and the same.

-

We should not grow as flowers do.

Lemon yellow buds of tulip and daffodil

Burst wearily from the ground,

Almost as if they sense their quick demise

And shortened lives.

But still they wander up to the sun quickly fading,

Still they wish to be the tallest.

How naive are we to grow and perish

As flowers do?

-

Snow will fall upon the stone beds

Of these innocent flowers

As misfortune falls upon ourselves.

I lie in the midst of a blizzard, but

I still move forward eagerly,

Like that budding flower from some time ago.

Am I not as gentle, sweet, and careless?

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Tue Mar 15, 2016 4:12 am
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Audy wrote a review...



Sagitta,

:c I want some ramen. *points to your avvie* gimme, gimme, gimme!

I like this poem, I like the voice of it - it's contemplative, so it goes very well with the theme of serene and calm and perhaps by the end there's meant to be a sense of enlightenment. I shall ponder over it. First, some things to clear up.

The first stanza, can we have another look at it? I really love the way you are leading us into those rhetorical questions which is saying something, because I don't much like the use of rhetorical devices, but I think you use them splendidly throughout this piece. What I dislike is the repetition of: shadows, darkness, sunlight fades, ink of night --- ALL OF THESE WORDS ARE SYNONYMS THAT MEAN THE SAME THING. We don't want to describe a different word for hammer, we want to perceive the hammer in a different light! Don't talk about sledgehammers, talk about the-morning-after-not-taking-the-pill HAMMER! (Oh gripes, this may or may not be an R-rated review now ;-;) Hammer the thought.

Anyway, I'd be more interested in learning how the shadows in your vision and world is different in your eyes other than black and void of sunlight and y'know, the definition of shadow. It would give the piece an added layer of interest if you describe the shadow in an unusual way - say, the shadow being the pocket of a gambler's bad day. Or, the shadow - footprints father leaves behind, never to be filled. Something that personalizes it for us while adding a bit of intrigue or uniqueness or creativity?

I think this will really help the poem too, because upon reading it when I got to the line "We are one and the same no matter what" I didn't know exactly who the speaker was at that point, or who the "we" is supposed to be. Is it the sun? Or the darkness, or the shadows? Is the "we" supposed to be Night-time AND shadows? See, I'm not sure. But I want to say that's what it is...

That being said - the technique of leading with something polar opposite of a flower and using that flower metaphor to sort of highlight and accentuate those differences is breathtakingly awesome. In a metaphorical way, we can see how the shadow envies the flower and how the flower fears the shadow and I love that dynamic! ^_^ I love the concept too of being taken into that world and that point of view.

I hope this helps!

~ as always, Audy




micamouth says...


Duw, thank you very much! I really appreciate the help. As I said to niteowl, this poem was written on impulse with only 'ataraxy' as a prompt. Thanks for reviewing this!
And Ginko, yesh. Nom nom.



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Mon Mar 14, 2016 10:21 pm
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Sagitta! Niteowl here to review this lovely piece.

The first stanza of this poem is lovely. The word "amongst" is bothering me slightly, grammar-wise, but I think that's a British/American thing, so it's cool.

Where flowers grow is not where we do.


This is awkward wording. I suggest "We should not grow as flowers do" because in the rest of the stanza you describe flowers and imply that people can be like that but shouldn't be. Actually, you might be able to cut this line entirely and go right into the rich flower imagery. The comparison of people to flowers is pretty clear from the last lines.

Still they wish to be the tallest, as flowers do.
How naive must we be

To be as flowers are?


The repetition of "to be" (already a weak verb) is not ideal here. My suggestion. "How naive are we to grow as flowers do?" If you do this edit, I would slash, "as flowers do" from the line before to cut the weird repetition.

The last stanza doesn't seem like it fits at all with the rest of the poem. It goes from imagery and metaphor to telling the reader about feelings in a very straightforward manner. It also doesn't seem very connected concept-wise. I would consider cutting it entirely or making it its own poem.

Overall, the first two stanzas are lovely. Keep writing! :D




micamouth says...


Thank you very much for this review! I've edited the last stanza to connect a little with the first two. This poem was written on a very sudden impulse and the only prompt was the word 'ataraxy'. I'm very happy with how it's turned out, especially with your help ^^




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