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Young Writers Society


12+

Forgotten Fire, Chapter 8 - Burn

by micamouth


"How can we trust others if we cannot trust ourselves?"

"You should probably stop texting him."

Caleb sat cross-legged next to his older brother. Malcolm was typing away on his phone, now slightly chipped after the short wrestling match they had - Caleb had discovered Malcolm's phone wasn't locked, and it was tempting. Malcolm had noticed, however, and put him into a headlock.

The two brothers had a habit of fighting. Caleb had noticed that they fought over the smallest of things; last week it was who would get the last Earl Grey tea bag. That had ended in a broken teapot, a few minor bruises and an empty ice cream pot mysteriously finding its way onto the wooden ceiling fan in their dad's kitchen. Otto Jakobsen would surely have been unimpressed with the state of the room after the brothers' quarrel had they not tidied it.

Caleb watched as Malcolm stared at his phone screen in confusion. He shuffled closer to his brother, leaning across to try and see what was happening. Malcolm pushed him away and tutted. "For the last time, it's my phone."

Caleb flung an arm out at the slim device, half-heartedly trying to grab it. "He's not replying," he huffed. "We're supposed to be at work - I thought you were the hard working one!"

A light ring resonated through the shop, signalling the opening of the front door. Caleb looked up and met eyes with Tabitha. "How was the dentist?" he asked brightly. Tabby gave him an odd look before answering.

"Dentist?" she replied, but quickly righted herself. "Oh, the dentist! Yeah, it was good. Nothing wrong with my teeth so far."

Caleb broke eye contact with Tabby to search for his coat. His shift had ended a while ago and usually he would leave on time, but he wanted to wait until Tabby came back. He, Malcolm and Tabby had walked each other home since Tabby had come to work at Andante Music Supplies. They had become acquainted and firm friends quite quickly. The three got along well, with Caleb being the troublemaker in the group, Malcolm the protective and grumpy oldest, and Tabby the in-between girl to balance things out. They put their trust in each other almost entirely, and when Kathryn was angry, they all managed to calm her down together. They almost worked as a unit.

Malcolm followed Caleb, pulling on his grey zip jacket and retrieving the keys from the office. "Kat left us to lock up," he explained. "Have you got everything?"

Caleb nodded at his brother and began to head towards the door. He could see the sun setting outside, bathing the rural surroundings in an amber shade. It was beautiful, especially with the coast so close and a forest filled with wildlife on their doorstep. He knew they were lucky. The town was quite small, with the nearest supermarket in Tobermory. Caleb and Malcolm had visited Tobermory a few years ago and even though the rows and rows of colourful houses had been almost surreal, they hadn't enjoyed the noise and the cars.

Caleb turned to look behind him at his brother, trying to signal he was ready to leave, but he felt a sudden prickling feeling in the pit of his stomach like someone was watching him. It was as if some creature was scratching about at the base of his ribs. He turned back to look outside - sometimes a passerby would look through the shop window - but the streets were just as empty as they were before, orange and gold in the evening light.

"Caleb," came a voice from close behind him. Caleb jumped at the feeling of his brother touching his shoulder. "Wait."

Before Malcolm could finish, a tremendous cracking noise ripped through the air. It was accompanied by a more familiar sound but nonetheless unnerving - the ear-splitting noise of shattering glass. The three of them jerked with surprise and fear; Tabby let out a small scream. "What the hell was that?" she squeaked quietly after a few seconds. Caleb could see her shaking and looked at his own quivering hands. He then glanced out of the window, wondering whether the noise came from outside.

There was a hole in the window, clean and round and small, rimmed with tiny cracks. They fanned out all around the hole like a spider's web of frost. A few large cracks spread almost halfway down the window pane. Caleb was frozen on the spot - he knew what that hole meant. Tabby was at his side as he stared in awe at the bullet hole. "Don't move," she whispered slowly.

"I wasn't planning to," Caleb hissed back before glancing sideways at his brother.

When I say go, we run, Malcolm murmured through Caleb's mind, and began to count down with his fingers.

"Go!"

 Caleb lurched forward in line with his brother, running towards the open door. He stretched his arms outwards in front of him, watching his hands turn almost instantly into small paws. He could sense his brother at his side, feel the energy radiating from him. He didn't dwell on it too much, however, as he could hear more bullets slicing the air. He narrowly dodged being shot in the foot as the two golden coyotes raced out of Andante Music Supplies into the street. Caleb felt a sharp, cold dullness stab into his gut. It felt suspiciously like a bullet, but then he remembered - Tabby. He and Malcolm had just exposed their biggest secret in front of a human, and they had left her to escape by herself on her two human legs.

"Follow me!"

A familiar voice cried out to them and a beautiful bay mare galloped up to match their stride. Caleb stared in amazement, almost forgetting to run. His legs buckled beneath him and Malcolm swerved to catch his brother's fall.  A gunshot skimmed past Caleb's ear, just clipping its edge. He yelped in pain but managed to regain his balance, bounding as hard as he could to catch up to Tabby. His paws were aching already - it had been months since he had shifted - but he still had his stamina and speed. His heart pounded against his ribcage as adrenaline kicked in, but there was something else hammering inside his chest. Caleb felt a sharp, painful snap across his ribs and skidded to a halt.

"Caleb!"

Caleb heard his brother calling his name. His head whipped round, his amber eyes searching frantically for Malcolm, but he was gone.

"Caleb, keep running!"

Tabby raced past him, grabbing the scruff of his neck. She was charging away from the town, he realised, and straight towards the forest. He understood why - she was trying to hide them. But the gun could still follow, unless she had a plan.

"What exactly are we supposed to do now?" Caleb yelled, squirming out of Tabby's grip and darted to the side, flanking the mare. Before Tabby could respond, the guns fell silent and he stopped, breathing heavily.

All around them were trees painted with autumn in their branches. They had run into a thick part of the forest he didn't know; the one thing he did know, though, was that it was laced with magic. A sweet, light feeling danced among the golden trees, weaving through their mottled branches and vibrant dying leaves. The air was clean, almost delicious with the lack of pollution. It was possibly the strangest and most beautiful place Caleb had ever seen; they had run into paradise.

They were also rather lost.


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Mon Feb 15, 2016 9:06 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! So, I really like this - it was well-written, I could tell what was going on, and the descriptions and dialogue were good.

All right, so, this is pretty much going to be a few minor nitpicks and comments, and I apologize in advance for not having read previous parts.

1. This felt awfully info-dumpy for an eighth chapter. Maybe you're just introducing new characters or something, but you may want to be careful about stuff like that. It seemed more like a third or fourth chapter than an eighth. It was nice for me, as I haven't read the previous parts, but if readers know this already they might get annoyed.

2. I accidentally skimmed over moment Caleb turned into whatever-it-was in my first read-through because it was at the beginning of a rather long paragraph and reader's eyes tend to do that. In general, your action was well-written, but because it was all clumped together in a couple of big paragraphs, it made everything seem too fast and a bit confusing. Splitting up paragraphs will give your readers a break and help them distinguish when one action begins and another one ends.

The other thing I will say is that I had a hard time keeping track of who shapeshifted into what, but that might just be because I have read other parts.

A couple of nitpicks:

Malcolm had noticed, however, and put him into a headlock.

I'd get rid of the "had noticed" and just stick with the second half.


"What exactly are we supposed to do now?" Caleb yelled.

So, it seems like they have some sort of mind-to-mind communication, and I think that's why you're using italics in random places, but you might want to make that clearer - for example, here you'd want to specify that he shouted in his mind, not for real out loud.

Anyway, I hope this helped, and good luck with your novel!




micamouth says...


Thanks for the review! I'll take this on board and edit later. I'm surprised this got reviewed, to be honest, as I've stopped the story for now.



Mea says...


Yeah, I'm working on the back of the Green Room. :D

And actually, I went and read a few other chapters after this, and I really like it. I have a huge soft spot for stories with shapeshifters and magic and such, so if you ever continue this, please do tag me. :3



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Mon Dec 07, 2015 3:51 pm
Snazzy wrote a review...



Hi!
Yet another great chapter! The last line was a great ending statement... Suspense and humor-filled. That is hard to accomplish! ;) Now, for the review!

Malcolm pushed him away and tutted. "For the last time, it's my phone."


I would write this as one sentence - "Malcolm pushed him away and tutted, "for the last time, it's my phone." Also, I italicized the word 'my' for emphasis - you can do this too. It's not incorrect if you don't, but it just helps to get your point across.

When I say go, we run, Malcolm murmured through Caleb's mind, and began to count down with his fingers.


Unless they share a special ability that I haven't yet learned of, (which is perfectly fine), this doesn't make sense for him to "murmur though Caleb's mind". Whispered would be fine in this case.

That's all! :D I'm starting to understand a little better, and I'm sure I will even more after I read the first chapters! ;) Great job with this, and keep writing!

~Snazzy
Merry Christmas!
(a bit early)




micamouth says...


Shifters have gained the ability to speak through minds. This is useful when in their animal forms, especially when a large group is travelling. Wild shifters don't use this often and usually resort to body language, but modern shifters use this more often, like Malcolm and Caleb.



Snazzy says...


Ah, I see now. :D Thanks for explaining that! :D :D




The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.
— Patrick Star