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Young Writers Society


12+

Forgotten Fire, Chapter 3 - False

by micamouth


“Lies require commitment.” 

"Fay, can I get some antlers off that thing?"

Faihrah and Tiru, flushed and aching, had entered the summer camp. After throwing the stag carcass down on a half-log table crafted specially for the skinning and preparation of meat, Faihrah quickly scanned the camp. All was in its place - the tough deer hide tents erected in a perfect 'C' shape, a blazing fire in the centre with various cooking skins and boiling skins hung over it. The smoking tent behind them was empty, which was the precise reason why the two of them had gone hunting. The tent was quite slow to empty, as all the meat was perfectly preserved and meat wasn't extremely prevalent in the clan's diet anyway, but Faihrah took any chance to go hunting. Often she would return to camp with a few fish or a rabbit, and the other camp members would scold her, pointing out for the thousandth time that they had enough meat. It was strange to think that she was the clan's leader, but they were just a big family.

Most of the clan was unrelated, apart from the few cousins and even fewer siblings. Tiru's father and mother parted ways when he was little more than a few springs old, Tiru being taken to the clan by his father. A lot of the clan had a missing parent, and a few had none; the world worked against shapeshifters, as if they were totally unnatural and unwelcome on the earth. It was a hard thing to understand, that most shifters would die by the hand of disease or horrible accident - it had now become so common that many thought it couldn't be a coincidence. Clans were becoming fewer and fewer, their leaders becoming younger through the worry that the previous clan leader wouldn't live to see the next season. The grim truth was that they rarely did.

"Faihrah, talk to me. Are you alright?"

A soft brush of a hand against her arm woke Faihrah out of her trance. "Yes, I'm fine. I was just thinking."

Tiru nodded, concern creasing his brow. "You've been quite out of sorts lately."

"I said I'm fine," she replied, her patience fraying. It had been a long morning, and although the hunt was exciting, she was too tired.

Tiru smirked at her and began the task of skinning the stag that lay limply on the stained skinning table. Faihrah turned away from the relatively quiet hustle and bustle of the camp and whipped out her knife, getting to work. "So... Anything interesting happening around here?" she asked. Tiru laughed at her feeble attempt at making conversation, looking up from the carcass briefly.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?"

Faihrah shrugged, still working. "I don't know. Something feels off today."

Tiru didn't reply. He had returned to the stag, dark ruffled hair covering his face completely. She couldn't read his eyes, but she sensed he was just as worried as she was. The atmosphere in the forest was tense - and rather humid. Faihrah was flushed pink and sweating by the time they had finished and she had passed the crown of thorny antlers to Rito, the crafting specialist. He accepted them gladly and began shaping various tines into decorative pieces and the main stems into knife handles and other tool parts. Now to the meat, she thought and glanced around to see where Tiru had got to. He was bent over the stream just outside the camp, wet hair clinging to his face as he splashed water to cool down.

Faihrah approached the stream, flinging away her shoes that needed repairing and hesitantly dipping a toe into the foamy water. It was ice cold, colder than the winter's hand. The mountains were the only place where winter was eternal, and the streams that flowed from them were cold all year round. They were a vital part of clan life and because of this, many clan camps were built near rivers and streams. They were also, as it happened, quite useful for cooling off and drenching your friends.

Tiru and Faihrah returned from the stream soaked but oddly energized. Rito laughed at them from a distance, still busy carving the antlers, while Aria fussed over them, wild blonde hair seeming to become more and more so as she patted them down and thrusted dry clothes at them. Tiru attempted to reason with her.

"Aria, we're fine, we needed to cool off-"

"Nonsense! You'll get too cold and make more work for me."

"I'm not changing, and you can't make me."

Aria muttered something about how they were taking so long to prepare the stag that they might as well forget about food tonight. Tiru and Faihrah made their way past the medicine tent that Aria had just disappeared into and returned to the bench. Faihrah had just picked up a sharper knife when she froze. Tiru, in his intimidating white tiger form, was growling at the entrance to the camp. Birds were scattering from the exact spot he was focusing on. A boy, no older or younger than she, tumbled from the dark shadows of the forest, odd clothes stained crimson and breathing heavily.

"Please... They're coming. Don't let them catch me."


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Sun Sep 27, 2015 12:22 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Hey, Sagitta! I'm here to review... obviously. :) This will be the one that gets me my next star, yay! And it probably won't be very long because it seems like Maverick has pointed out all the nitpicks worth pointing out.

I'm really liking Tiru. To me, he comes across as a greedy, rebellious person. But he's got such spirit in everything he does, and I know that Fairah sees that too.

It's cool how you're switching between the two points of view, and seemingly two different worlds. The little details (in your brilliant descriptions) have already shown me how different their two worlds are. Tabitha has paintings (leisure items) all around her house, and she has a mobile phone. Faihrah, on the otherhand, hunts and lives amongst nature.

I'll go straight to the next chapter!




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Thu Sep 24, 2015 6:18 pm
Maverick says...



Ignore this, the review posted twice >.<

I'll just fill it with this: YOU ARE AWESOME ヽ(´▽`)ノ




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Thu Sep 24, 2015 6:18 pm
Maverick wrote a review...



This is going to be a really short review compared to the ones on other chapters, because honestly? There isn’t really much to comment on or suggest. Yay for you being awesome! \(^_^)/

Points:
- There is zero context to the introduction of Aria. Who is she? Was she previously introduced, and I’m going crazy?

- Your description. I like. Spot on as usual, I should say. I particularly enjoy how accurate/knowledgeable your language is for this type of setting!

- “[…] the world worked against shapeshifters, as if they were totally unnatural and unwelcome on the earth.”
You say “as if”, but it really seems that they ARE unnatural and unwelcomed, from the shunning (?) by other humans and their lowering numbers.

- “It was ice cold, colder than the winter's hand.”
While I like the metaphor, it seems oddly poetic and out of place in your story.

- “Tiru, in his intimidating white tiger form, was growling at the entrance to the camp.”
Whoa. When did he change?

- "”So... Anything interesting happening around here?" she asked.”
Fay was just trying to actively avoid discussion, with her “patience fraying”, and then goes straight back to starting a discussion. Maybe offer a reason for this, like she felt bad for taking out her weariness on Tiru.

- Up until this point, you do a great job at gradually developing the personalities of Faihrah and Tiru, but I feel there could be more development of other people in clan. You briefly mention Rito and Aria, but there is so little to go by. I’m sure that’s soon to come, but even just the mention of “Willow, the clan’s seamstress” or “Mara, the seven year-old swan-girl they rescued from a freak show circus“ might bring further life to your current clan. (Yes, I know I'm terrible at spontaneous character creation. *sigh*) There is already an outsider who I am assuming is about to join them, but I barely know the clan itself.

- Great cliffhanger.

I know I write out a lot of personal preferences, so if my suggestions are stupid and annoying, please ignore them/let me know! Overall, wonderful chapter :) Keep up the great writing! But damn your cliffhangers to Hell ;-;

Mav




micamouth says...


Thanks for pointing these things out, Mav, you're helpful as always!



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Thu Sep 24, 2015 4:44 am
BEWriter wrote a review...



Hi! So let me just start out by saying, good job on the description. The description is where you have to hook someone, that and the first sentence. I think that this story sounds interesting, and I'm excited to read it.

In the first paragraph you put, "blazing fire in the centre." I think you meant 'center'

"He returned to the stag, dark ruffled hair" you should have a comma after 'dark'

Well that's all that I saw. I really liked the ending, it leaves a cliffhanger for the next chapter. This seems like a really cool story and I hope that I'm able to find more entries for this story.

I would greatly appreciate it if you'd follow me and possibly review some of my works.

Great Job!!!

- B.E. Writer




micamouth says...


Thanks for the review! I'll make sure I read some of your work :) Centre is the British spelling, by the way. I'm glad you liked my writing!



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Wed Sep 23, 2015 7:16 pm
steampowered wrote a review...



Hello, steampowered here for a review! I might struggle to critique this, seeing as your writing is so good already, but I’ll try my best. :D

This was my favourite chapter by far. It starts off fairly mundane, and as I was reading it I found myself wondering when the first “trigger” to get the plot really flowing was going to happen. When suddenly – bam! In those last two paragraphs – that final sentence in particular – I was left hanging. Whatever happens next, I feel sure you’ve just sparked off the events that will unfold in the story. Has the boy’s arrival placed everyone in danger? Who’s after him? Who is he? Will he survive to become one of the main characters, or is he just a nameless casualty? I can’t wait to read on and find out some of the answers to these questions!

Now, I’ve got a few other bigger questions to ask, and these are about your world. I’m not totally sure if this is set in this world or in another, parallel world – I’m veering towards the alternative universe, but the thing is, are these shifters known to exist by anyone? How do they stay secret? I mean, let’s say this is set in some kind of Britain. If they can transform into presumably non-native species of animal at will (such as the tiger) how do they go undetected, and how have they gone undetected by ordinary people for so long (such as, I don’t know, wildlife enthusiasts / researchers, or just people who spend a lot of time in the forest) Also, I’m not sure if they’re aware of the existence of ordinary humans or not…

Hmm, I just skipped back to your first chapter and I realised you edited some things. But some of my original questions still stand, I guess. :)

Anyway, I really like your dialogue and I love reading Faihrah’s chapters in particular. This review was probably really unhelpful, but I could barely see anything wrong with it apart from obviously the questions that you probably already have answers to. I’m really looking forward to the next instalment!




micamouth says...


Yay, hi steamy <3 I'm super happy to hear another positive comment about this series! Aha, I can't answer your questions - the story will do that for me in its own time >:) All will become clear, all will become clear. I'll make sure I don't leave anything loose and dangling!




Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.
— Nelson Mandela