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Young Writers Society



The Three Lockets [Chapter 5.1]

by Mageheart


Author's Note: After some super helpful reviews on my last chapter segment, I'm going to retcon Aspen's initial reaction to the revelation that they're not getting home any time soon. In the old version, she cried softer than Cass did, but still ended up crying. This time around, she was more solemn than anything else, and wasn't offered a hand by Lira because she didn't seem visibly upset like Cass did.

To clear up something I should have mentioned in the last chapter: the building they're currently in is best described as a palace. I should have called it that from the beginning but I blanked out and could only think of calling it a really big mansion.

I apologize for how little I focused on the grief that Cass felt. I really needed to move the story along, and I'll definitely pace things better in the next draft so she can have more time to deal with not getting home anytime soon. (Although they'll definitely be plenty of moments in the future where she feels homesick!)

And, as a final note, let's pretend that they never corrected Lira on them not being from Kansas. (This idea was thanks to @BlueAfrica!)

Words: 1,994

What Happened Last: Lira, noticing how heartbroken Cass was by the revelation that she couldn't easily return back to Earth, invited both Cass and Aspen to come to her bedroom. Because, as she put it, she has some of the best pillows to cry into in the entire mayoral palace.

Chapter 5

Cass' grief still remained as they walked to Lira's room, but the combination of the beautiful sights and Aspen briefly slipping her hand in to her own helped to push some of it back. She knew that the only way she would truly move past it was by returning home, so she settled with the little that she could do in the meantime - focus on everything but her memories of what she had left behind on Earth. She knew it wasn't the best way to deal with the situation, but it was the only thing she could think of.

After walking for several more minutes, they finally arrived at Lira's room. Lira was the first to enter, quickly followed by Aspen. Cass went to follow as well, but then saw what her room actually looked like.

Lira's room was massive.

Even though this was to be expected, given the size of the palace it was in, Cass still came a sudden stop in the doorway. Any lingering feelings of grief were temporarily forgotten as she stared at the expansive bedroom before her. The walls themselves remained mostly unadorned. The only notable things about them were the scenic pictures depicted in the wallpaper, and the portrait of a young woman with strikingly similar features to Lira hanging near the head of the bed. Besides those designs, the room lacked any of the decorations she might have expected from a place like this. There were some pieces of furniture present in the room - a simple bed, a dresser, a bookcase, a desk, a coat rack and a nightstand - but none were especially fancy.

There was, however, a fountain tucked into the corner of the room closest to Lira's bed.

It was this fountain that captured Cass' attention as she finally began to enter the room. It was the sort of thing she would have never expected in someone's bedroom, even someone with apparently as much money as Lira had. Any fountain would have likely achieved this same effect.

But what made it perhaps even more shocking was its beauty. Rey itself was a very beautiful place, but this fountain was especially pleasant to look at it. Exquisite designs were carved into each individual stone block, and the material itself was a stunning marble-esque rock. The waters spurting up from its center were perfectly clear. When Cass slowly approached it to get a closer look at the miraculous piece of furniture - if it could be called that - she noticed a cheerful little gurgle accompanying the steady flow of water.

If Lira noticed her reaction, she didn't comment on it. She just hung her cloak up on the metal coat rack near her dresser, then walked over to where Cass and Aspen were both gawking at the fountain and the room it was in. She gave them an almost amused smile before sitting down on the fountain's stone rim. One arm hung loosely behind her. It traced little circles and arcs in the surface of the water, a gentle warmth filling the room as the rest of the fountain's surface started to replicate the same designs that she had just traced.

Cass started at the now swirling waters. She knew this world had magic, and had seen it in use several times since they had arrived. But while it was one thing to acknowledge its existence, it was another thing to see it in action. She could almost always explain any phenomena back on Earth. Cass suspected that magic would never cease to amaze her no matter how many times she saw magic in action.

A brief, hesitant look in Aspen's direction showed that she was just as impressed by the magical feat as she was - her lips had dropped down to form a perfect "o", and her eyes were wide with surprise and joy.

She turned back to Lira and the fountain. The swirling patterns had disappointingly stilled, and she had ceased running her hand through the water's surface. Even the room returned to its original temperature, the warmth that had accompanied the sight having suddenly disappeared. And, most important of all, there was the look that Lira was giving them. It wasn't the same type of look that her boyfriend had given Cass earlier, or the look that Mr. Ream had given when he realized that they were wearing the missing lockets - it was a look of confusion.

"Does Kansas not have a lot of water users?" she questioned.

There was a loud creaking noise as Aspen threw herself down onto Lira's bed. After a moment of hesitation, Cass sat farther down on the bed. Grabbing one of the pillows and holding it close, Aspen said, "Try any users."

Cass opened her mouth to explain that they weren't from Kansas, but fell silent when she saw that Aspen was looking in her direction. Thankfully, the look wasn't the fearful one she had received earlier; it was a downright mischievous one. She was clearly get a kick out of the misunderstanding that had resulted from her earlier reference.

Lira blinked. "What do you mean?"

"We don't have magic," Aspen said.

Now it was Lira doing the staring. "You don't have magic?"

Aspen nodded. "Yup. We don't have any magic back in good old Kansas."

Lira suddenly got to her feet.

"You have to have magic," Lira insisted. "No matter where you go in Partex, everyone has it. Even the stories from the other regions involve magic of some kind. A world couldn't function without it! We need magic for everything. If you don't have it, how do you grow your crops? Power your homes? Clean your clothing?"

Cass grabbed a pillow from the head of the bed and clutched it to her chest. She was starting to get the idea that this world was even more different than she had initially expected. Lira made it sound like magic truly was the key to her society functioning. If Cass asked about other things that technology had made possible, she was sure Lira would tell her that the technology used had a magical counterpart.

"Our world came up with devices that took care of that for us," she quietly explained. She held the pillow a little closer, her voice becoming slightly muffled by it being in front of her lips.

Lira ran her fingers through her hair, and somehow managed to look even more shocked than Cass had been when she had first seen magic being used. "So you don't know anything about magic?"

"I mean, we know that you can do it," Aspen said. "But that's about it."

A moment passed.

"This is crazy," Lira finally concluded. She slowly sat down on the end of the bed, now right beside Cass, and stared at the two of them with wide brown eyes. "That means you didn't grow up with your magic, doesn't it?"

Cass looked down at her hands, then back up at Lira. "...We have magic?"

"Oh gods," Lira muttered. "You don't know anything about yourselves, do you?"

She held out her hand, a tendril of water beginning to form off the very tip of her right pointer finger. It slowly grew outwards like it had back in the courtyard. It started by moving only forward, the water sparkling in the light of the floating lantern in the middle of the room. Then it abruptly turned downwards, taking yet another new turn as it darted beneath her bed. When it reemerged after several seconds of moving things around, it was with a small box. Lira grabbed the box from the water and placed it in her lap, the water disappearing the moment its job had been completed.

She popped open the box.

Aspen and Cass peered inside at its contents. Cass wasn't really sure why Lira had brought it out, but they must have held some sort of significance to the conversation. But no matter how hard she looked through the contents - an old scrapbook, a bracelet, a small stuffed animal that vaguely resembled a bear, and a black spherical device that looked like a magic eight ball - she couldn't find something that look remotely magical.

Lira grabbed the black ball out of the box.

She gently placed the box behind her, then held the ball up. "This is how kids learn what their magic is here," she said. "It tells you what your magic is, and then it does a little display for it. I'll show you." She gave it a little tap, and the small monitor in the very center sprung to life. She rested the ball in both of her hands. Nearly a minute passed before there was any sort of reaction - the screen began to glow, and arcs of water suddenly burst forward from the depths of the little ball.

Cass sprung back in surprise, nearly bumping into Aspen in the process. "This is what happens if you have specific magic. It shows you what your type is. If I had general magic, then it would probably show a series of simple spells - I never got to meet any kids who had that type of magic growing up." Upon seeing their looks of confusion, she added, "Specific magic is elemental stuff. Water, fire, air - those all are different types of it, and there's even more than that. General magic users are spellcasters. They're the ones who design most of the devices that we use, since their magic works better over the long term."

The display suddenly disappeared.

Lira held the ball out to them.

When Cass didn't make a move for it, Aspen took it. She rested it in her hands like Lira had done. She stared intently down at the ball, growing noticeably more impatient the longer the ball went without a reaction. And then, just when she looked like she was about the hand the ball back, the monitor sprung to life once more. This time, however, it wasn't just the monitor glowing - the entire ball was alight. Cass glanced up at Aspen's face. She was positively beaming at the sight.

"That's my magic?" she asked quietly, peering down at the screen. "Light magic?"

Lira was grinning. "It is. I-I haven't seen light magic in years." There was an almost sorrowful tone to her voice, despite her expression, but Cass didn't want to intrude into the life of someone she barely knew. "Cass, you should try it."

Aspen eagerly thrust the ball in her direction. "Go on, Cassie! I bet your magic's going to be even cooler than mine."

Cass hesitantly grabbed the ball.

She copied what she had seen Lira and Aspen do. She gently cradled the ball in her hands, taking great care to assure that she didn't damage what she guessed was one of Lira's prized possessions. She hadn't realized how nerve-wracking it was to wait for a response. Aspen's had certainly come faster than hers, and Lira's as well. Suddenly terrified by the prospect of not having any magic at all, Cass felt the ball begin the shake in her trembling hands. "What-what if I don't have magic?" she whispered, looking up at Lira. "Will it tell me?"

Lira shook her head, her gaze focused solely on the ball. Her brows were furrowed, and her mouth was drawn into a single thin line. "Everyone has magic. It's probably just because this is so old-"

"Your face says otherwise," Aspen interrupted. "What's the real reason it isn't working?"

Lira took a deep breath. "I don't want to jump to conclusions."

"Well, jump to them-"

The screen suddenly started to light up.

There was no glowing ball, or beautiful arcs of water. Nothing burst into flames. There was no series of spells. The only indicator that it had worked was that little screen. Her grip on the ball tightened. She stared down at the letters that were beginning to scroll across it in a small, sprawling cursive font.

D A R K N E S S


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Tue Dec 31, 2019 2:31 am
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Lib says...



Oh my god. Oh my god oh my god oh my god. What to do what to do what to do. Oh no.

Just oh my god. WHAT'S GOING ON. How can a person, as innocent as Cassie, have Darkness? AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I'M MOVING ON OMG

Also PS, I really like that ball. Can I use it sometime? :P




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Fri Sep 21, 2018 8:47 am
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Sae! I'm finally up-to-date. It's quite sad that I'll have to wait a week for each instalment now, but I do hope you keep going with this story for a long time. I so want to know how it all turns out.

Small Comments

Lira's room was massive.

Even though this was to be expected, given the size of the palace it was in, Cass still came a sudden stop in the doorway. Any lingering feelings of grief were temporarily forgotten as she stared at the expansive bedroom before her. The walls themselves remained mostly unadorned.


I think the sentence in bold is better off deleted, because you've already told us that the room is massive, plus it's clear that her grief has been temporarily forgotten because the narrative is no longer focusing on it. Just cut to the chase and describe the room.

There was, however, a fountain tucked into the corner of the room closest to Lira's bed.

It was this fountain that captured Cass' attention as she finally began to enter the room. It was the sort of thing she would have never expected in someone's bedroom, even someone with apparently as much money as Lira had. Any fountain would have likely achieved this same effect.


We already know that the fountain has captured Cass's attention because (a) you've mentioned it at all and (b) you introduced it within its own paragraph, making it stand out from the rest of the narrative. I know it seems picky to keep pointing out isolated lines like this, but they all snowball and contribute towards a narrative that feels slower than it should, so I think it's still important.

She could almost always explain any phenomena back on Earth. Cass suspected that magic would never cease to amaze her no matter how many times she saw magic in action.


Any phenomena? She gives Earth too little credit. The mechanisms behind light and gravity and computers and the northern lights might as well be magic for all I can understand them.

Maybe replace the second 'magic' with 'it'? It feels weird to repeat the same noun so close together.

She was clearly get a kick out of the misunderstanding that had resulted from her earlier reference.


Maybe don't explain this so plainly if it's going to be a running joke. It kind of ruins the humour.

"Our world came up with devices that took care of that for us," she quietly explained. She held the pillow a little closer, her voice becoming slightly muffled by it being in front of her lips.

Lira ran her fingers through her hair, and somehow managed to look even more shocked than Cass had been when she had first seen magic being used. "So you don't know anything about magic?"

"I mean, we know that you can do it," Aspen said. "But that's about it."


I'm surprised that Lira isn't more curious about their world, actually! I think that it would be really cute if Lira was just as fascinated by a non-magical society as they were by a magical one. Especially if Earth has non-magical things that there are no equivalent to in this society - the internet strikes me as one possible example.

That's maybe a conversation for a later chapter, though. I'm just imagining Lira, like...playing Temple Run on Cass's phone and getting addicted.

Overall Thoughts

I really enjoyed this chapter, especially the second half! It was so suspenseful watching Aspen and Cass discover their magic, and I absolutely love the cliffhanger. Having read your stuff in the Story Interviews thread, I'm guessing that darkness magic isn't really evil magic, but that it's probably subject to a lot of unfair prejudices. That's not going to help Cass's situation. Is she going to get ostracised? How is Lira going to react? Is she going to have to hide her magic to stop people turning on her? There's so many cool possibilities. I hope you use this to inject some of the suspense and danger that I've been craving from the plot.

I was a little unclear on exactly who has magic. Lira says that 'everyone' does, but I wasn't sure if she was speaking from a limited perspective, meaning that everyone in her world has it. Even if everyone on Earth does have magic, I don't know how Lira would know that, given that she has so little knowledge about Earth. The whole 'you don't know anything about yourselves' comment seemed a bit presumptuous - given that these girls come from a world that doesn't use magic, I don't see why Lira would be so incredibly confident that they had it. Unless she can sense their magic somehow?

My main worry about this magic system is its originality. Elemental magic is so incredibly common in fantasy, and shows like Avatar have really set an impressive benchmark that all similar systems will be compared to, like it or not. Your system will have to be really well defined and thought out for it to work. Still, I do like that you have this contrast with general magic to explore - it'll be interesting to see how different kinds of magic contribute to the culture, and if there's any snobbery or elitism among certain kinds of users. I'm already expecting darkness magic to be frowned upon, but it would be cool if there were unfair stereotypes about all sorts of magic and how they limit a person.

What else do I have to say? It's an interesting contrast, that Aspen has light magic and Cass dark magic, and I wonder if it ties into their lockets in any way. I can remember if I read somewhere that Kartiel had darkness magic, and obviously he also has a gold locket, so perhaps there's a link. I might be completely wrong on that, though.

Final point: I'm calling it now that Lira's mother was a light magic user, hence why she was a bit emotional to see it again.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Fri Sep 14, 2018 2:35 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again!!

Hello darkness, my old friend. (couldn't resist :p)

No worries about the pacing issues and all of that! Totally get it because this is a first draft and all. I've actually been taking notes as I read about what happens in each chapter because I'm reading so many LMS novels :) When you finish this draft I'll be happy to share that with you along with some overall big picture thoughts that might be helpful when you go to plan the next draft!

I don't read enough fantasy to know how cliche elemental magic is, but I'm glad we got to see the magic in this chapter. I'm also really glad we didn't get bogged down with the ins and outs of how the magic works because while I'm sure that would be exciting for some people to learn about, I'm not in that camp :p

When the discussion about magic in the worlds, I get why Lira is confused because to her she's never experienced a world without magic. Was she implying that there used to be magic in our world and now there's not, or does she even know about our world? How would she know that there used to be magic and now there's not? After that little conversation, I thought the transition to the girls discovering their own type of magic was a little awkward. I think once Lira realizes they grew up without any kind of magic she would automatically assume they've never tapped into their own magic and probably know nothing about it and wouldn't need their verification. She could take almost more of a teacher world and say something like well guess what, everyone has magic. do you want to find out what kind you have? And then Cass and Aspen would obviously say yes and then Lira would get the box and explain the test to them.

Lira hasn't seen light magic in years. What's the significance of this? Could Aspen ask more questions about what that means or clarify that there aren't an even number of people with each type of magic and it's important that Aspen has light magic?

And of course Cass would be darkness. She's so sweet and even tempered, of course she's actually this dark person ;) I have a feeling it's going to be significant that Aspen is light and Cass is dark.

Interesting twist! Again, I don't know much about common fantasy tropes, but I feel like you've put put an interesting spin on elemental magic because here I was thinking there would be for kinds (general, air, wind, fire because that was what was specifically mentioned by Lira) and there's darkness. Poor Cass. I have a feeling she's not going to take this well :p

Looking forward to the next segment! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D




Mageheart says...


Thank you for your review!

Hello darkness, my old friend. (couldn't resist :p)


le gasp Why didn't I think of that pun?

Thanks for the offer about looking over your notes! I can totally see why you'd need to do that, seeing how many different lms novels are out there right now.

I'm also really glad we didn't get bogged down with the ins and outs of how the magic works because while I'm sure that would be exciting for some people to learn about, I'm not in that camp :p


I do think I might get into this at some point in the book to explain one specific phenomena that Cass keeps noticing, but I don't think it'll be soon! So hopefully they'll be plenty of other things for you to pay attention to by then instead.

Was she implying that there used to be magic in our world and now there's not, or does she even know about our world?


She pretty much knows absolutely zilch about our world, but expected that it would run just like hers - with lots of magic. I mentioned this in my reply to Blue's review, but this book is actually set in the same fictional universe that all my other books are set in. In the other novel I'm working on right now, the characters all live on Earth and know about magic. It's just that not everyone does. Think wizards from Harry Potter.

Lira hasn't seen light magic in years. What's the significance of this?


I don't want to spoil anything, but the significance of this isn't too great. It's more of a personal thing for Lira, which is why she gets all sad when she discovers that Aspen has light magic.

I have a feeling it's going to be significant that Aspen is light and Cass is dark.


;)

Poor Cass. I have a feeling she's not going to take this well :p


;)

Thanks again for your review! I hope you enjoy the next chapter as much as this one.



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Thu Sep 13, 2018 12:44 am
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey Saen, welcome to a 1am review because I want to keep up with Team Tortoise!

Nit-picks and nice moments:

I really like sentences like the following:

Lira's room was massive.


There was, however, a fountain tucked into the corner of the room closest to Lira's bed.

Idk if it's just because I've been using one sentence paragraphs a lot myself recently but I think they're a really quick way to inject some excitement into a chapter.

Grabbing one of the pillows and holding it close, Aspen said, "Try any users."

Would she have adopted the terminology that easily? If it was me I would have asked what Lira means by users. That could be users of a site, of a drug... just doesn't feel specific to magic, and since they're unfamilar with magic, I don't think she'd slide into it that easily.

Cass grabbed a pillow from the head of the bed and clutched it to her chest. She was starting to get the idea that this world was even more different than she had initially expected.

I love this emotional reaction and think it does a lot to reinforce the homesickness Cass is feeling.

"That means you didn't grow up with your magic, doesn't it?"

I actually got an answer from the question I'm about to pose, but just so you know I had it. I was thinking, why wouldn't she assume they just don't have magic? I see now that it's because to her literally everyone has magic, but again, just so you know.

She gently cradled the ball in her hands, taking great care to assure that she didn't damage what she guessed was one of Lira's prized possessions.

Lol, I'm pretty sure you said in a wfp that it's basically a children's toy, so this felt kind of ironic xD

Overall:

I think you did a lot better than before at impacting the dramatic nature of this change in where they are. I still think maybe some pure disbelief might be quite good - like, Cass for a moment literally not believing that any of this is real, that it has to be a dream, that kind of thing.

Also some very solid world-building. I like the idea of having elemental magic and also general magic. Often stories either contain one or the other so I'll be interested to see how they blend together. Maybe there's some rivalry between general and specific, or between the different elements within specific magic users. I'm definitely interested to learn more about the politics of this world.

I'm wondering, how old is Lira? I've been thinking for a while that she seems kind of naive, but the way she was so matter-of-fact about having a significant other makes me think she can't be a teenager, as some of her behaviour could potentially lead me to believe here. So yeah, would be interested in having that explained to me just in like a reply to the review, possibly no actual need to explain in the story itself. Well, maybe that depends on your answer xD

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




Mageheart says...


Thank you for your review!

Idk if it's just because I've been using one sentence paragraphs a lot myself recently but I think they're a really quick way to inject some excitement into a chapter.


I wholeheartedly agree! They're just so much fun to use because you know the reader is going to focus on that one line in particular.

I still think maybe some pure disbelief might be quite good - like, Cass for a moment literally not believing that any of this is real, that it has to be a dream, that kind of thing.


Thanks for the suggestion! I'll definitely do that when Cass meets some more of the crazy magical things in this world, as well as include it in future drafts.

I'm definitely interested to learn more about the politics of this world.


And I'm definitely interested in sharing them!

I'm actually still trying to figure that out with Lira, since apparently it's quite easy to ship her with Cass and Aspen. ;) I'm going to tentatively say that she's only a few years older than Cass? Cass is seventeen, so that would make her nineteen/twenty/twenty-one. I'm leaning more towards twenty right now.

Thanks again for your review!



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Zoom wrote a review...



Saen ^_^

Cass' grief still remained as they walked to Lira's room, but the combination of the beautiful sights and Aspen briefly slipping her hand in to her own helped to push some of it back.


GOOD. Glad they are back on track. Love Aspen.

Lira was the first to enter, quickly followed by Aspen. Cass went to follow as well, but then saw what her room actually looked like.


Stuff like this is what I mean when I say “stage directions”. It’s unnecessary, we don’t need to know what order they entered the room, it’s entirely inconsequential. If you simply go from “they arrived at Lira’s room” to Cass freezing as she takes it all in, we can infer the rest.

The only notable things about them were the scenic pictures depicted in the wallpaper


Like before I think you’re missing an opportunity here when it comes to your descriptions. “Scenic” is subjective. You need to give it meaning. The type of art someone has in their bedroom can tell us a lot of things. It can firstly tell us what kind of person they are, so could have been a great opportunity to slip in some characterisation. Second, it can put emphasis on the tone you are trying to achieve. For example, if the scene was a volcano on the brink of eruption, this could create the atmosphere of impending danger. Third, it could be an opportunity to world build. Maybe the scene could depict an incredible use of magic that you wouldn’t have been able to introduce in the story otherwise. You could do a lot with this. Don’t underestimate how useful even the smallest details can be in your story – usually they will be what your readers remember most.

There was, however, a fountain tucked into the corner of the room closest to Lira's bed.

It was this fountain that captured Cass' attention as she finally began to enter the room. It was the sort of thing she would have never expected in someone's bedroom, even someone with apparently as much money as Lira had. Any fountain would have likely achieved this same effect.


I’m really thrown by this, mostly in a good way. The fountain is heavily juxtaposed with her otherwise generic, simple bedroom, so calls immediate attention to it. It’s just so random haha, but I feel like this is the first time the setting has really grabbed me and made me pay close attention, so I’m wondering where you go with this!

If Lira noticed her reaction, she didn't comment on it


This is another line that doesn’t do anything. If there’s no dialogue then we implicitly know she didn’t comment, and we already know that she may or may not have noticed their reaction because it has to be one or the other.

It traced little circles and arcs in the surface of the water, a gentle warmth filling the room as the rest of the fountain's surface started to replicate the same designs that she had just traced.


Hey this is cool, spend more time on stuff like this, you brushed past it as if it wasn’t really awesome haha.

her lips had dropped down to form a perfect "o"


I’ve seen this description a lot before, just saying it isn’t very inventive and you could maybe switch it up a bit more here.

and her eyes were wide with surprise and joy.


Two completely different emotions? Technically it can work, but you would have to describe it more clearly to be believable.

It wasn't the same type of look that her boyfriend had given Cass earlier, or the look that Mr. Ream had given when he realized that they were wearing the missing lockets - it was a look of confusion.


This is another example of things that don’t need to be said. When describing something, don’t compare it to what it isn’t, otherwise you’re wasting words. Two sentences in of “it wasn’t like this and it wasn’t like that” I was thinking “well what the heck was it like!”

"Does Kansas not have a lot of water users?" she questioned.


I’m going to reiterate that this joke isn’t funny, purely because I’ve seen it done in various movies etc before, it’s a bit tired now. If you’re only writing this story for fun then I guess it isn’t a big deal, but if you’re intending to send queries after finishing then just a heads up, this might cause a few eye rolls.

Thankfully, the look wasn't the fearful one she had received earlier;


Another example, just say what it is, not what it isn't.

"You have to have magic," Lira insisted. "No matter where you go in Partex, everyone has it. Even the stories from the other regions involve magic of some kind. A world couldn't function without it! We need magic for everything. If you don't have it, how do you grow your crops? Power your homes? Clean your clothing?"


Yay, this is good. This is a good example of not forcing exposition. This felt perfectly natural and is an engaging conversation. You’re raising intrigue and hooking me in.

Lira ran her fingers through her hair, and somehow managed to look even more shocked than Cass had been when she had first seen magic being used.


I see what you’re doing here, you’re saying Lira is more shocked of a lack of magic than Cass was by the presence of it. You could tweak this a bit and actually make this into quite a funny line/moment. This was a genius idea so well done.

"I mean, we know that you can do it," Aspen said. "But that's about it."


LOL classic Aspen.

When it reemerged after several seconds of moving things around, it was with a small box. Lira grabbed the box from the water and placed it in her lap, the water disappearing the moment its job had been completed.


This is very imaginative. I’ve never seen magic water used quite like this. Great job. I really felt like I could imagine this play out, and create a beautiful scene. Imagine if someone did fan art of this.

she couldn't find something that look remotely magical.


Would she really think this though, considering she got teleported by a magical necklace? I think by now she would have thrown away the idea that things can “look magical”.

She gently placed the box behind her, then held the ball up. "This is how kids learn what their magic is here," she said. "It tells you what your magic is, and then it does a little display for it. I'll show you."


This would have been so intense if Lira hadn’t explained everything the ball was about to do.

Nearly a minute passed before there was any sort of reaction


A minute is a seriously long time for them to sit in silence. Do it now and you will see how slowly that time passes.

I never got to meet any kids who had that type of magic growing up.


If either Cass or Aspen turn out to have this kind of magic . . .

D A R K N E S S


OMFG okay fine you took me by surprise there. You totally tricked me haha. This was really intense and a great cliffhanger. I just, can’t.

***

Overall comments:

Bloody hell, this was leaps and bounds better than the last two chapters. I know I made a few little nitpicks but let’s forget that and talk about this piece overall. The fountain was a cool touch and its sheer bizarreness added a splash(lol) of fun into the scene. I’m particularly happy that the fountain actually interacted with the scene and didn't sit there for no reason at all, so you surprised me with that.

The conversation was much more engaging here. Especially how utterly shocked Lira was that they didn’t know about magic. It was even better than Cass’s reaction that magic exists.

The pace was nice and even, I really got sucked in, especially from the middle onwards.

The characterisation was on point here. Aspen was behaving very Aspen-y, which reminded me why I was so attracted to this story from the beginning. It really made a difference having her back like that.

And don’t even get me started on that cliffhanger. That literally just punched a hole straight through your scene. Things were reasonably light hearted and there was no sense of danger or anything like that, then BOOM. You just drop an absolute bomb on us. Even the font and the way the letters ar spaced out, omg. Love it. It even makes sense because it's the opposite of Aspen's power -- yet Aspen's power, although obviously seeming quite rare, it didn't seem that big of deal to Lira. But this is obviously completely f'd up so I can't wait to see Lira's reaction.

I’m glad you really hit your stride with this chapter and I hope this momentum continues.

-Zoom




Mageheart says...


Thank you so much for your review! As long as it doesn't end up being too long, I'm going to try my best to address most of your review in my reply.

Saen ^_^


That's got to be one of my favorite review intros right there.

Like before I think you%u2019re missing an opportunity here when it comes to your descriptions.


Ah, man! I had been planning on elaborating that they were scenes from around Rey later on in the chapter, but completely forgot about it when I got farther along this morning. I guess that's why it's not a good idea to write when half-asleep!

Hey this is cool, spend more time on stuff like this, you brushed past it as if it wasn%u2019t really awesome haha.


Thanks for pointing that out! The thing I couldn't explain there was that Lira does that while thinking to herself, and it completely slipped my mind that someone like Cass would spend a lot more time focusing on that detail.

You could tweak this a bit and actually make this into quite a funny line/moment. This was a genius idea so well done.


Oh, really? Sweet! Humor's a bit of a struggle for me, so I'm happy I have a possibility for a funny line right there.

This is very imaginative. I%u2019ve never seen magic water used quite like this. Great job. I really felt like I could imagine this play out, and create a beautiful scene. Imagine if someone did fan art of this.


That would be amazing! I just really wanted to have magic be used casually in this world, and I know I'd totally be lazy if I had magic like Lira's and get things I could have gotten on my own. Or Cass and Aspen's, for that matter.

Would she really think this though, considering she got teleported by a magical necklace? I think by now she would have thrown away the idea that things can %u201Clook magical%u201D.


Good point! I'm not sure if you've seen the post on the book's club or not, but I actually own the locket that Aspen has. I've always thought it looked like the sort of thing that could be magical, but I'm guessing the current description doesn't really make that clear - or maybe I'm just really desperate to end up in a fantasy story. xD

This would have been so intense if Lira hadn%u2019t explained everything the ball was about to do.


I didn't even think of making the scene intense while writing it, but now I'm definitely going to try to in the next draft.

If either Cass or Aspen turn out to have this kind of magic . . .


You know they don't now, but there will be someone mentioned in the very near future who does have it! I'm just waiting for the first time to drop their name.

Bloody hell, this was leaps and bounds better than the last two chapters.


Thanks! Maybe it was because I had more fun writing it? The last two chapters were ones that I had to write for the sake of Plot. This one was important too, but I've been waiting ages to show off their magic.

About your comment on Lira's reaction: I was thinking that it would probably be more shocking for someone to see that something wasn't there than the other way around! Like I feel like I'm always shocked when watching shows and seeing how backwards their tech is, so I was thinking Lira would see it in that same way.

I'm glad that you love the scene with the magic reveal! I had a lot of fun coming up with it.

I%u2019m glad you really hit your stride with this chapter and I hope this momentum continues.


I hope so too!

Thanks again for the review. It really helped me out, and I hope that future chapters keep you engaged with the story. <3



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BluesClues wrote a review...



That whole author's note totally made my somewhat horrible morning, especially knowing that Aspen and Cass are now going to have never corrected Lira when she thought they were actually from Kansas. Omg I'm hoping this really leads to a fun ongoing joke going forward.

Okay, I feel slightly terrible because I feel like all my reviews are "WATCH OUT FOR THIS," but...the description of Lira's bedroom. Everything prior to the fountain feels normal, except for the sheer size of the room, but Cass is like, dumbstruck by it. Which is fine in a way, because the size is really something to be marveled at. But a) Cass was just feeling overwhelmed by homesickness, and, more importantly, b) when you spend so much time describing things that are fairly ordinary it's going to not feel like such a big deal when they see things that are truly extraordinary.

THAT SAID, the fountain!!! I want a fountain my bedroom??? Even a less beautiful one??? I feel like the rest of the room could pretty much be skipped over in a sentence, especially since Lira's furniture is pretty ordinary rather than being ostentatious, since presumably Cass' eye would be drawn first and foremost to the fountain, which is a weird feature in a bedroom. I predict the fountain is there for Lira to practice her waterbending, which is what I'm saying instead of magic since so far that's what I've seen her do.

Oh my God I'm so happy about this Kansas thing. 10/10 definitely the best. And Aspen actually playing this up, you lil stinker.

"That means you didn't grow up with your magic, doesn't it?"

Cass looked down at her hands, then back up at Lira. "...We have magic?"

"Oh gods," Lira muttered. "You don't know anything about yourselves, do you?"


Intriguing. So does this mean magic exists in our world, but no one knows how to use it? Unless Cass and Aspen suddenly gained magic once they reached Rey, but that seems less likely.

(Don't answer, I'm sure I'll figure it out as the story goes on!)

On the note of magic, I see that my calling Lira a waterbender wasn't actually that far off! But it's neat that her use of water doesn't limit her magic to things directly related to water as it does for waterbenders in the world of Avatar; for example, when she makes the room warmer by drawing patterns in the water with her finger.

I bet Lira's mom had light magic.

(That prediction is mostly because of the portrait of the young woman who looked like Lira, which I assume is her mother, who seems to be missing from the palace so far and hasn't yet come up in conversation.)

I'm sort of half-happy/half-sad about how excited Aspen is to have Cass try out the magic non-eight ball. Like on the one hand it's nice to see her excited again and talking to Cass in an excited way, but on the other hand it bums me out that it took magic to shock her out of the way she was feeling, or at least seeming to feel, about Cass before.

!!!!!!!!!!!!

That! Ending! Tho! Cass' magic is darkness? Wow, this chapter started off a little slow but got super interesting super fast. I can't wait to find out more about Cass' magic and to see how she feels about this and whether dark magic is looked on as inherently evil or if it's just like any other magic.




Mageheart says...


Thanks for the review!

I hope so too. It would be especially funny once I add a few more people into it because they'll either never be heard or never be able to fully correct someone who says the wrong place.

But a) Cass was just feeling overwhelmed by homesickness, and, more importantly, b) when you spend so much time describing things that are fairly ordinary it's going to not feel like such a big deal when they see things that are truly extraordinary.


Thanks for pointing that out! I just realized this when writing a reply to @Zoom's review, but I completely forgot to describe the paintings in the room - which are part of why it's so impressive. It's not just wallpaper; it's stuff painted on like the walls are a giant canvas. It depicts a bunch of places from around town.

I predict the fountain is there for Lira to practice her waterbending, which is what I'm saying instead of magic since so far that's what I've seen her do.


This is the part where I sheepishly admit I've never seen more than the first three episodes of ATLA back when I was a little kid.

And Aspen actually playing this up, you lil stinker.


Most accurate portrayal of Aspen right there. xD

So does this mean magic exists in our world, but no one knows how to use it? Unless Cass and Aspen suddenly gained magic once they reached Rey, but that seems less likely.


I know you said not to answer this, but it's actually something that had zero spoilers for this book. xD

Yup! Well, to an extent, anyways. I don't think I'll ever go into it in this book, but The Three Lockets is set in the same fictional universe as the rest of my stories. Back on Earth, everyone does have magic - just some people are able to access it more easily than others. Cass and Aspen are probably from the group that don't have as much of an ability to, though part of it is definitely because they haven't known it existed in the first place. I just needed to establish that for the lore of the rest of the universe.

(My other novel, in fact, features a group of people who can very easily access their magic back over on Earth! And Seraphinity, the world Rey is in, is the home of several of my other stories - The Gifted Curse and The Automaton's Heart being some of them.)

But it's neat that her use of water doesn't limit her magic to things directly related to water as it does for waterbenders in the world of Avatar; for example, when she makes the room warmer by drawing patterns in the water with her finger.


Actually, a waterbender is pretty close to what she is! The room warming is just a side effect of magic being used. It's been mentioned a couple of other times - namely when the locket transported them to this world. It probably won't directly be addressed until Cass meets a certain character who's very savvy when it comes to the inner workings of magic, but that's the explanation for the warmth! Energy reactions tend to have some heat produced as a result, so I thought it would be cool if magic worked in a similar way.

(That prediction is mostly because of the portrait of the young woman who looked like Lira, which I assume is her mother, who seems to be missing from the palace so far and hasn't yet come up in conversation.)


;)

Like on the one hand it's nice to see her excited again and talking to Cass in an excited way, but on the other hand it bums me out that it took magic to shock her out of the way she was feeling, or at least seeming to feel, about Cass before.


I really can't to wait to have a chance for this two to sit down and talk with each other. I know they could do that now, but, with Lira there, I also know it's not going to be as heartfelt. Soooo hopefully I can address that whole thing soon!

I can't wait to find out more about Cass' magic and to see how she feels about this and whether dark magic is looked on as inherently evil or if it's just like any other magic.


Something tells me you're going to love what happens with the darkness magic! Also, you're heart is probably going to break when you read a certain person's reaction to the magic. :)



BluesClues says...


I promise I read that whole response, but
SAE
YOU! MUST! WATCH! ALL! OF! ATLA!



Mageheart says...


I KNOW! I JUST WATCHED THOMAS SANDERS' CARTOON THERAPY EPISODE ABOUT IT THE OTHER DAY AND DESPERATELY WANTED TO WATCH IT, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I CAN FIND IT NOW

(also if you haven't seen thomas' stuff before you seriously need to check it out because you'd love it!!)



BluesClues says...


!!!!!!!!!!

I keep going, "I HAVE IT ON DVD!" but then I remember that uhhh that does not exactly help you???




The strongest people are not those who show their true strength in front of us but those who win battles we know nothing about.
— Unknown