Hey!
Not much to comment here, but honestly I'd think Cass and Aspen would have a quick freaking out session before talking to Lira and Rodet. I mean, they seem like they would! cx
Moving on, now! =)
Last line of the previous chapter: Together, they approached the source of the voices.
Their pace was just as slow as before. It was only as the voices started to grow clearer that Cass noticed how quiet their pace had made the two of them. Their footsteps were just as soft as the voices coming from just around the corner. She wanted to think that whoever was talking would be friendly and kind to them, but she had no idea where they had been brought.
As they went to turn the corner, Cass tried coming up with a believable story of how they had gotten there. Sharing that story would be difficult if there was some sort of language barrier, but they couldn't have gotten that far from home – right? She just had to come up with something that could explain them not knowing where they were, and they'd be back home in barely any time at all.
But any ideas she might have come up with were immediately forgotten when they saw the two people they had been listening to. There were many things that she could have picked up on first. There was the intimacy between the young man and woman, and the way they delicately held one another as they passionately kissed underneath one of the lanterns. There was the lack of recognition; they were total strangers. There was their apparent ages, both barely over the age of twenty. There was the finery of their clothes, made of what looked to be soft material embroidered with golden designs.
This last detail – their clothing – was what caught her eye.
She had never seen anything quite like it before. It looked like it was something out of one of the high fantasy movies she might have watched, or something from medieval times. There was the woman's light pink tunic, golden patterns swirling up from the bottom. There was the man's dark blue tunic, gold adorning the tips of his sleeves and collar. There were their leather boots, sturdy and brown, that went up a little past their ankles. There were their long light brown cloaks that swished about them as they pulled apart. Their pants were nothing more than what appeared to be leggings, but, when combined with the other parts of their appearance, this managed to look as foreign as the rest.
The young man and woman turned to face Cass and Aspen.
Then they all awkwardly stared at each other – the adults growing noticeably more red with every passing second – because there was apparently nothing more embarrassing than interrupting two lovers passionately making out in what they thought was a deserted area. Cass desperately wished she could be anywhere but here. She tried not to meet their eyes. She could barely handle normal situations. How was she supposed to handle something like this?
“Well this is awkward,” Aspen said.
The woman fiddled with the collar of her tunic. “Agreed,” she said, clearly just as uncomfortable as Cass was by this turn of events. At least Cass could take solace in that.
The man, on the other hand, stared at them with a nervousness in his dark blue eyes. Cass guessed that it was because the two pairs looked so different. Their clothes was probably different than he had expected. Because no matter how hard she tried to convince herself that they were in the middle of a Renaissance fair, something inside of her told her that they weren't.
The woman fiddled with her tunic for another few seconds before she finally took a good look at the two of them. While her lover may have been thoroughly worried by their different attire, this woman seemed to be intrigued by it. There wasn't a bit of anxiousness on her face, just curiosity and wonder as she studied their appearances. After a few more moments passed, she finally addressed Cass and Aspen.
“Neither of you are from around here, are you?” she asked. She had a strange accent, one that Cass couldn't place. She had been concerned when she realized how unfamiliar their clothing looked, but now she was absolutely terrified about her inability to figure out where this woman was from.
Aspen looked over at Cass, then turned back to the woman and gave her a friendly smile. Cass tried to muster one herself, but was too nervous to do more than slightly turn her lips up. “What gave it away?”
“Well,” the woman said, “there's your clothing. I've never seen anything quite like it before.”
She looked over at the young man beside her. He had remained silent, watching the two of them with a now wary gaze. He was studying at their chests in particular – something that made Cass deeply uncomfortable. Even when she realized he was staring at their lockets, she still felt uneasy about the way he was looking at them.
“Rodet, do you know where they're from?”
The man shook his head.
“Wow,” the woman said, her quiet voice filled with surprise at what he had admitted. “I thought you knew every group that was part of the alliance.”
The man – Rodet – continued to stare at them. “I doubt they're part of the alliance. Look at her necklace, Lira.” He raised a finger and pointed at Cass, who immediately scooted a little closer to Aspen. She had never heard so much hatred in someone's voice before, and had never thought that it would be directed towards her. His face scrunched up into a scowl as he waited for Lira to come to whatever conclusion he had.
Aspen limped to in front of Cass and sent a glare in the man's direction. “Her name is Cass, and I'd appreciate if you didn't talk about my best friend like that.” Cass was grateful for Aspen hobbling to her defense, but knew that sort of comment would only result in angering him even more.
But before either Rodet or Aspen could get into a serious fight, Lira spoke again.
“Rodet,” she breathlessly said, “they have the lockets!”
Cass and Aspen nervously looked at each other.
“Wait, my locket's special too?” Aspen whispered.
“I guess so,” Cass whispered back.
“But yours is the one who did the weird glowy thing, and you got yours because of, you know...” Aspen wisely didn't mention the dreams. Even if they did apparently know about the golden locket's strange ability, it was impossible to tell if the dreams were considered normal in a place like wherever they were.
In contrast to her boyfriend's disgusted expression, Lira looked absolutely delighted by this turn of events. She quickly bridged the small distance between the two groups. The entire time she had a large smile on her face, and was bustling with a childish excitement. Standing in front of the two girls, she said, “You're from another world, aren't you?”
Both Cass and Aspen stayed silent. That would explain what had happened since the incident with her locket, but it was still a hard thing to fathom.
Rodet groaned. “She has Kartiel's locket-”
“No, she doesn't,” Lira argued, glancing over her shoulder at him. “There were originally three lockets, remember? Two golden, and one silver. That's what my dad's always told me. One of the golden ones has been a symbol of Telorum's royalty for centuries, while the other golden one and the silver one were lost to another world a long, long time ago.”
Rodet looked unconvinced, but didn't argue.
She turned back to the two. “You two have to meet my dad. He spent a good deal of his life in Telorum, and knows all about the lockets – or as much as he was allowed to learn about them. He'd love to talk to you about them.”
“Well,” Aspen started, looking over at Cass, “it's not like we really have any other options. Want to go with her?”
Cass hesitantly nodded. Her eyes lingered on Rodet.
“Then lead the way,” Aspen decided.
Hey!
Not much to comment here, but honestly I'd think Cass and Aspen would have a quick freaking out session before talking to Lira and Rodet. I mean, they seem like they would! cx
Moving on, now! =)
Hiya, Saen! Back again for another round of reviews. 
Small Comments
It was only as the voices started to grow clearer that Cass noticed how quiet their pace had made the two of them. Their footsteps were just as soft as the voices coming from just around the corner.
As they went to turn the corner, Cass tried coming up with a believable story of how they had gotten there. Sharing that story would be difficult if there was some sort of language barrier, but they couldn't have gotten that far from home – right?
the way they delicately held one another as they passionately kissed underneath one of the lanterns.
There was the lack of recognition; they were total strangers.
There was the woman's light pink tunic, golden patterns swirling up from the bottom. There was the man's dark blue tunic, gold adorning the tips of his sleeves and collar. There were their leather boots, sturdy and brown, that went up a little past their ankles. There were their long light brown cloaks that swished about them as they pulled apart. Their pants were nothing more than what appeared to be leggings, but, when combined with the other parts of their appearance, this managed to look as foreign as the rest.
Then they all awkwardly stared at each other – the adults growing noticeably more red with every passing second – because there was apparently nothing more embarrassing than interrupting two lovers passionately making out in what they thought was a deserted area.
“Well this is awkward,” Aspen said.
He was studying at their chests in particular – something that made Cass deeply uncomfortable. Even when she realized he was staring at their lockets, she still felt uneasy about the way he was looking at them.
“Rodet,” she breathlessly said, “they have the lockets!”
Cass and Aspen nervously looked at each other.
“Wait, my locket's special too?” Aspen whispered.
“I guess so,” Cass whispered back.
“You're from another world, aren't you?”
Both Cass and Aspen stayed silent. That would explain what had happened since the incident with her locket, but it was still a hard thing to fathom.
The pacing was better here, there was a nice flow between dialog, action, and introspection.
I also enjoyed that the first people they met weren't trying to kill them, however it felt a tad plot-convenient that they would fall into the laps of two people who know all about the lockets etc. One trope is for characters to enter a new world and immediately jump into danger, however the other trope is that they instantly meet a "guide" character who can provide useful (convenient) exposition. I personally would prefer Cass and Aspen to see more of the world on their own first, rather than have their opinions and conclusions forged by people who already live there and have a bias. The new characters having knowledge about the lockets also killed the mystery somewhat. We still don't know much about the lockets, but the fact that we're already in the presence of people do, kinda feels unrewarding. I guess I might be speaking too soon because I have no idea what you might do after this scene. They could even be lying for all I know. It depends on how much exposition you provide in the scenes immediately aftwards.
There were also a few "hand holding" lines that really stuck out. Let me see if I can find some examples . . .
. . . found two:
She wanted to think that whoever was talking would be friendly and kind to them, but she had no idea where they had been brought.
Cass desperately wished she could be anywhere but here. She tried not to meet their eyes. She could barely handle normal situations. How was she supposed to handle something like this?
“Neither of you are from around here, are you?” she asked. She had a strange accent, one that Cass couldn't place.
Aspen limped to in front of Cass and sent a glare in the man's direction. “Her name is Cass, and I'd appreciate if you didn't talk about my best friend like that.”
Cass and Aspen nervously looked at each other.
“Wait, my locket's special too?” Aspen whispered.
“I guess so,” Cass whispered back.
He raised a finger and pointed at Cass, who immediately scooted a little closer to Aspen.
I also enjoyed that the first people they met weren't trying to kill them, however it felt a tad plot-convenient that they would fall into the laps of two people who know all about the lockets etc.
I personally would prefer Cass and Aspen to see more of the world on their own first, rather than have their opinions and conclusions forged by people who already live there and have a bias.
Hello again! CAUGHT UP FOR THE MOMENT!
Okay so I also love that the people they found were 0% danger as well. I wasn't expecting a huge amount of danger because this doesn't strike me as that kind of book, but then I thought oh well she might surprise me.... this is fantasy after all and there's always danger in fantasy... :p
The conversation struck me as super random and almost awkward again though. They're all so cordial and understanding and interested in one another. No one seems weirded out or terrified or anything. It's just four people chatting in a tunnel. I'm sure there are plenty of other underlying emotions there. One of your tasks for the next draft will be to bring out that emotion through the dialogue and showing the emotion through the dialogue and the supporting actions within the dialogue.
And these girls are really going to trust these strangers and go off to see this dad guy? They don't know where they are or even who these people are and sure they seem like they want to help, but can you really trust them?? Ladies. I know you're confused and you want answers about the lockets and where you are, but this seems dangerous. I'm sure everything is going to work out fine for them, but is there any worry that it's going to be dangerous in their minds?
There aren't really any high stakes or intense drama/conflict yet, but I like how this is being set up and that it overall feels like a lighter novel because I read enough dark intense stuff Looking forward to see where they go next and what else they discover! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention!
I love that the first people they see are just two random lovers making out. I figured they'd immediately run across the bad guy or someone else dangerous, so this was so unexpected and also unique. #awkward But Rodet's wariness still made things feel a little tense, which was lovely.
Prior to that, it was a little weird to me that Cass first thought about how to explain how they'd gotten here. Logically it just doesn't really make sense, because they don't even know where they are. So it's not like there's any reason for them to specifically not be here, if that makes sense. I guess with Cass' social anxiety and general worry she might think it anyway, but it just felt off to me.
She had never seen anything quite like it before
Because no matter how hard she tried to convince herself that they were in the middle of a Renaissance fair, something inside of her told her that they weren't.
Hey Saen, let's get reviewing!
Nit-picks and nice moments:
but they couldn't have gotten that far from home – right?
Their pants were nothing more than what appeared to be leggings, but, when combined with the other parts of their appearance, this managed to look as foreign as the rest.
Both Cass and Aspen stayed silent. That would explain what had happened since the incident with her locket, but it was still a hard thing to fathom.
“You two have to meet my dad. He spent a good deal of his life in Telorum, and knows all about the lockets – or as much as he was allowed to learn about them. He'd love to talk to you about them.”
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