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Passersby

by Saen, Persistence


Passersby

- A poem by Persistence and Saen. -

The lunch you had is spent on letters,

your hands employed by your creative mind.

They dig through pages in search of art,

like miners working overtime.

They chisel the tunnel with symbols black,

which, in the right order, produce ore that's

as valuable as the ingot readers make of it.

The hands blister; the fingers bleed; the mind fatigues,

but they find the ore they like through labour.

You can only hope that the pieces make a puzzle -

the one you once envisoned.

But you are still learning how to craft your masterpiece.

You accept that the reader may put together

the rough edges into a design that was

different than your perfect puzzle,

knowing that you will learn to love

the creation that they have helped you make.

We love our children: we give birth to them;

we nurture them; we raise them.

And we want them to be well liked

and talked about in a positive light.

Although you can't control how it sees them,

is it wrong to want to see the world embrace them?

Your words are the children of your mind.

It's only natural to want them see success.

You are told to write for yourself

so it doesn't hurt when your creation is forgotten.

But a dancer does not spend hours rehearsing

to perform in front of an empty theater.

They expect an audience to watch wide-eyed

as they piroutte and twirl across the stage,

and to loudly applaud when the curtain falls.

After a tired and lonely battle,

a soldier wants to go back home.

Then, someone says the battle never happened,

and so the soldier fights another and another,

tactics more intricate each passing time,

in hopes that their struggles will be recognized.

Is it wrong to want your sacrifice acknowledged?

Like a fairy tale hero, it began as nothing.

Then the idea came - a mentor to guide its way.

Hurdle after hurdle strengthened it,

allowing it to become the best version of itself.

But with no princess to save, your creation falls flat.

Your little farm boy became a hero

that can never get a happy ending.


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Wed Jun 13, 2018 7:33 am
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soundofmind wrote a review...



HEY GUYS! TAGGING @Persistence because I figure you probably wanna get a notif for this review too, since it's also by you? Or maybe you do... since you're listed. I don't know how that works. But hey! Anyway!

I liked this! I DO have to admit that I had to work hard to hold my focus so I wouldn't get lost in all of the metaphors, but it was actually a very pleasant read! And I feel like about half-way through you guys kind of settled into the metaphors in a way that felt really natural. You used the metaphors as examples, and they stuck to like, one per stanza. Which was nice and easy to follow.

Specific Little Thingamajigs

The lunch you had is spent on letters,

I really, really like this opening line because it does not follow the typical, logical pattern of like... words. Lol, I didn't explain that very well. But it's unexpected, it pulls me in, and it forces me to think about what that means right away. What do you mean a lunch is spent on letters? Mailing letters? But I quickly realized you meant like, typing literal letters in words (if I got that right). Lunch I guess, fueled you to write. If it's as simple as I'm making it out to be, lol. But I REALLY LOVE IT.

They chisel the tunnel with symbols black,
which, in the right order, produce ore that's
as valuable as the ingot readers make of it.
The hands blister; the fingers bleed; the mind fatigues,
but they find the ore they like through labour.

This whole end of the stanza was a really creative way to describe the struggle it is to find words. Because it can be especially hard to put words to an idea - either it's hard because you really want to get it right, or the idea is so vague you struggle to pin it down. Or both. Or other reasons I can't think of. But yeah, GOOD JOB.

You accept that the reader may put together
the rough edges into a design that was
different than your perfect puzzle picture,

This is suck a PerSNIcKeTY, NiT pIcKy, and unnecessary lil word choice change, but I just feel like saying puzzle twice in this stanza (both at the end of a line) looks visually less appealing. LOL. But it's REALLY not a big deal.

Overall

You're speaking to the right crowd. Here, on YWS, a site full of writers, we all can empathize and understand what this means. And even people who aren't writers - they know with anything you create - you want it to be received well. Loved well. You want people to see what you made and how hard your worked and appreciate it for all of the passion you poured into it. It's the eternal struggle of the "artist." And perhaps, in a way, the struggle of life. We all have this desire to be seen, appreciated, and understood. But with art it's like: "HERE. LOOK AT MY THING I MADE. LOVE IT." Because, in a way, the thing you made is you. So when people love it, it's like them saying they love that part of you too.

And maybe not everyone feels that deeply emotionally attached to their art, and maybe I'm overthinking it, but I just wanted to tell you that I read the poem and I get you. I think you communicated the feelings very well and clearly in a way that we can all understand and be like #relatable .

Except wait. I forgot. THE ENDING.

But with no princess to save, your creation falls flat.
Your little farm boy became a hero
that can never get a happy ending

WAIT WHY IS THERE A SAD ENDING??!?!? DID THIS ARTIST'S WORK NEVER GET RECOGNIZED?? DID EVERYONE HATE IT???? !!!!!!!!! WHAT DOES THE PRINCESS STAND FOR????

I think since the princess metaphor is flying over my head I'm feeling a little panicky at the ending. Please forgive. But really, haha, I!! Have a concern!! Please tell me what the end means, please and thank you. I will not have peace until you do.

But really though, this is very good! And I like it! So good job. Big hugs. Love you guys.




Persistence says...


Hey! Thanks for tagging me! I didn't get a notification otherwise. And thanks for reviewing! And for all the nice things you've said!

You were right about the first line! The lunch is the fuel for the hands to write, and since it's a whole meal that went into writing, it implies that a lot of effort went into it ( :

Mage wrote the princess part, but from what I understand the princess is the acknowledgement, and the hero is the work of art. Without a princess to save, a fairytale hero is not a hero. Without someone to experience it, the work of art has no meaning. It's just a bunch of ink on some paper.



soundofmind says...


AA thank you so much for explaining! That makes... so much more sense now and I'm able to appreciate it way more!! But yeah, dude, no problem! I wanted to make sure you saw it since it's also your work! <3



Persistence says...


Thank you! <3




We know what a person thinks not when he tells us what he thinks, but by his actions.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer