Young Writers Society

Before I start this review, I must say that the opening lines of Thunder were playing in my mind, of the "Kids were laughing in my classes, while I was scheming for the masses." But I digress. :p (A totally wicked remix of this poem would be to write out a few lines to the beat of that song XD)

So, this is an interesting comparison of showing/telling in poetry. From what I can observe from this poem, despite me thinking she was a ghost at first, there was a student that spent her whole life during school being unnoticed by her fellow classmates. That's pretty harsh but it does actually happen in life which is even more difficult to grasp from a human perspective - how could people go ignored for years on end? But that's a discussion for another time. Here, the conversation is written out to be how even a young child's view of the world and her own life could be affected to great extent by the doings - or not-doings - of others.

I think in this current state, the reader feels distant from even the main character for one - this view isn't quite from her view since we do get possible thoughts but more so as if someone was having a conversation with her - the narrator feels just a little removed from everything. In addition, while I do feel bad for the main character, I'm not sure what else she wants us to feel. Is sympathy her end goal in making this? Does an outside observer wish better things for her? Would the chance to restart school be her most beloved dream? I do want to know some part of this as, as it stands, it seems like she's somewhat stuck in her not-so-pleasant past of school. Which, of course, she has the right to do so, but, then again, some may say that the past is the past and she should move on. I would be really curious to see how she would respond to such questions.

Now, onto the actual content of the poem! For starter's, I wish there were more cases of any literary device besides this kind of narration - a good, flowing form yes, but the imagery is more of a telling variation than anything in between. There's a lot of repetition here which some readers like more than others, but that's quite my cup of tea. I do like that the format stays the same with introducing the kids then the lone girl for each stanza, but I think getting a few lines modified could help let this poem flow better.

Just as an example, I picked out the very beginning of this poem:

Kids are running across the school grounds,

their bubbling laughter filling the air

while they weave through the playground.

Hi there Saen I am here to do a reveiw on your poem, nise length, Her feet feet kick back and forth, I do not under stand why you have got two words spelt feet, for some ad vise, pleas just make shore that you chek that all of the mestaks are not there, some times it helps to read your on work,
She mourns the lost dandelions. Sorry I am a bit confused, why is she mourning the lost Dandelions, that just dose not make sens to me,
the girl once more forgotten as she follows, what do you mean by forgotten why, doseint she have eney school buddys to spend it with, or is she new,

The children are sitting in homeroom, okay I think that I see a little mistake at the end of this line,
this is what you have said, The children are sitting in homeroom, this is what I am saying to you, The children are sitting in there schoolroom, see dosent that make more sens,

She has been sitting there from the first day, see that dose not make sens to me, why eksplan to me why is she sitting there,

but none of her peers acknowledge her. okay a nother era, by the way be cos of the eras the reader mite get a bit cosfosed about it,
this is what you said, but none of her peers acknowledge her, this is what I am saying, but none of her best peeps acknowledge her, see what I have done here,

making up for what they know they all lack, there is also a bit of a proplem here,

this is what you did, making up for what they know they all lack, this is what I have done,
making up for what they know,
they all lack, see that I seperated the lines,

But she wants to play their game, why inset she playing the game with them,

only to be roughly awoken, why what dose this mean was it a dream that she had or something,

she pretends that she is a part of teenage dream, okay so there is a nother era,

this is what you said, she pretends that she is a part of teenage dream, this is what I am saying, she pretends that she is a part of teenage dreams, see in this sentins I did not take eney thing away, I just a did won word to it,

She tells herself this daily as she, this sentes seems a bit stranch to me,

this is what you have said, She tells herself this daily as she, this is what I am saying to you, She tells herself this every day as she,
so that was all that I can say, so keep up the good work,


@MoonFlower out to the moon and the flowers to get to you, Have a good Review day

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this poem about a girl who feels isolated by her fellow students. I like the title since it contributes to the enigmatic nature of the poem. Very nice how it makes a reader initially grope for a pleasant fantasy only to be gradually exposed to something unpleasant. This causes the conclusion to resemble a solution to a puzzle. As a reader I felt a sense of wonder on how the whole poem accomplishes this.

The introduction which includes trampled flowers serves to foreshadow how these same trampling children are symbolically trampling the girl under their feet and killing her spiritually by snubbing her. She grieves for the flowers because she identifies with them. Her observation from the swings is a nice way of indicating the slow passage of time from her perspective. Like the tick-tocking of a clock.

Gradually revealing details explained why she felt abused and engendered a sense of outrage in me as a reader. Nice how the poem concludes by dovetailing with the title leaving nothing to chance or the imagination. It is cryptic in a way, but in a pleasant kind of way.

suggestions

ones that she was never invited to.
[ones that she has never been invited to.]

They strength
[They strengthen . . . .]


Looking forward to reading more of your poems

Quick review for you...

This is awesome! Your words really paint a picture in my mind. Especially the little girl swinging on the playground.
I feel like I can really relate to this girl. Always aware and watching from a distance but never really involved with it. I can tell she longs to be part of the group of friends.
The last part really hit me because it shows that you can be effected by something so strongly, even if you are just staring at it through a screen.
Keep writing, this is great!

-Banana25

Hey there Saen !!

This is Eros here to write a review for this deep poem...!

The title is very much related with the poem. Most unique thing of this poem lies in this title here. The title was like a gift box !!

Completely a surprise.

When I opened that ribbon of the gift box, I mean the title being a ribbon and "a poem", being the box ...I saw the content, the words and the theme of this poem as a gift. A really beautiful gift.

I could actually relate myself with that shy little girl who always keeps observing how other people enjoy their life with their friends... Those movies, sleepovers. Never getting mingled and mixed with them...or perhaps never asked by anyone to get mixed with them. And it hurts somewhere in the heart ...I have experienced this...

This is where the depth of the poem lies. Those pictures uploaded, and all. Everything is described very beautifully.

I really loved the poem. Unique in itself. I never got to read anything on a theme like this. I liked the theme and also the way it is presented. Flow of the poem is good.

Grammar also good.

This poem had a deep story hidden behind it. The story of that isolated little girl...

Superb poem!!
Great work!!!

Keep writing such awesome works and we will keep reading them !

Have a great day/ night !

~Eros.