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16+ Language Violence

Divine Intervention: Chapter Seven

by Sujana


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

The store was small, lit by several light bulbs and lamps, but ridiculously extensive. It smelled of ginseng and herbs, like a witches cauldron if it were dressed for Chinese New Year. Adriel shoved his hands in his pockets, pulling out a lighter and a pack. “Nothing here’s flammable, right?” He asked Pax, glancing about.

“Would be a little more proper to smoke outside,” He replied, frankly.

The dark skinned demon shrugged, lighting the cigarette anyway. He took a drag, releasing a cloud from his nose. “No smoke, no smoke please!” A woman came out from a doorway, just behind the glass counter, tapping on it with a walking stick. She was a scrawny figure, collarbones jutting out from the base of her neck, fingers long and spider-like. Her grip on the walking stick was strangely firm, and despite her frail appearance, Adriel felt strangely…afraid of her. Her black gray-lined hair was tied into a bun, screaming ‘Mourning Mother’ along with the drab blue cardigan and long nightgown. “Outside, outside, please.”

Adriel took the cigarette from his mouth, quickly extinguishing it in his pocket. “Mrs. Li?” He asked, politely.

“Yes, yes,” She replied. “Husband here. Do not speak English. Looking for aging medicine, yes?”

“No, no, nothing of that sort.” Pax chuckled, quietly. “We just wanted to ask about your husband, is all.”

“Ah,” She nodded, in an erratic fashion. “You are from the psycho institute, then, yes?”

“What? No.” Adriel looked up at her, sensing a lead. “What would give you that idea?”

She muttered a curse word in Chinese, banging the cheap tiled floor with her cane. “My husband, he crazy.” She stated, clearly, glancing at both of them. “Every night, he talk to invisible man in attic, laughing like psycho. I talk to doctors everywhere, but no one listen to me. He gets more crazy every night.”

“And who is this invisible man?” Pax asked, earnestly.

“He say it is god.” The woman chuckled, meekly. “Can you believe that? He crazy.”

They both gaped at the woman for a moment. Pax looked at Adriel, knowingly, Adriel nodding. “Thank you for your time, ma’am.” He said, smiling. “You won’t be seeing us again.”

He dragged Pax out of the store, then, buckling into the drivers’ seat of their car. He didn’t come back until the following night.

He was only several years older than his wife, but possessed a mess of grayish-silver hair, matching the description of their target.

The man walked towards the store door, flipping the sign OPEN sign before locking the door. He turned out the lights, then, walking back upstairs. He turned, feeling a sudden chill run down his spine, as a shadow crept pass him in the store. Nothing. He bit his lip, heart beating a little faster, taking his steps in caution.

Adriel knew his next step would’ve been towards the attic door. He was waiting, there, in his shadowy form, fitting into his vessels’ skin. When the man walked up, he was leaning against the wall, rolling a cigarette with a gun in his left hand.

“Nei Li?” He asked, turning to the man.

Li turned a shade paler, turning to the gun. “Ni shi shui?” He mumbled. Adriel bounced off the wall, aiming the gun at Li’s head. Gingerly, then, he pulls on the trigger—

And it gets slapped from his hand. He feels the force burn through his vessel, reaching the essence of his divine being. Only one thing could’ve had such an effect. “You’re the real deal, aren’t you?” He nodded to himself. “And with a powerful connection. The Old Man wouldn’t actually touch people for another’s sake, you know.”

But the man wasn’t listening. He was running. He’d turned back, jogging his way down the hall, Adriel following behind his back. Pax appeared down the steps, gun in hand, prepared to shoot. His feet seemed to slip on the wooden floorboards, pulling him back onto the ground with a solid thump.

Nei Li stared at the sight, unsure if he should help the man or jump over him. When Adriel came stomping down at the scene, he opted for the latter.

The man hopped over Pax, but in a series of unfortunate events slipped on his body, slamming face first onto the staircase into the store. An audible crack echoed across the floor. He rolled a few more steps, and stopped. He didn’t move.

Adriel pocketed his gun, kneeling towards the man. He put an index and middle finger against the skin of his neck. No pulse. He’d stopped breathing.

“Well, that was easier than anticipated.” He stood up. Pax was whining something, behind him, straightening out his suit. “For you,” The other demon spoke, coughing.

Adriel smiled. Luck was on his side, tonight.


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737 Reviews


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Mon Mar 06, 2017 3:04 pm
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CaptainJack wrote a review...



Hello again Elliot. It seems that we have met again on this equal plane, where all super villains and anti-heroes meet and superheroes stumble around half drunkenly in the background. Well you know what that means: it's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

You knew I was going to love this chapter anyways but let's talk first about what I didn't like/was sort of really confused by. Who tf died man? I am assuming it's the father because you hinted at that before and it's possible the old lady and the demons both got things messed up. It sounds like this is still being told when Kale is young and this is happening moments after God goes out the window. I'm thinking the invisible man combined with the mother in mourning bit, is because she still doesn't want to admit Kale exists. That's just how I read it but the lack of anything substantial makes it a bit hard to follow.

Moving on to a couple of points I did like.

It smelled of ginseng and herbs, like a witches cauldron if it were dressed for Chinese New Year.

~So appetizing. Just great that I just had breakfast and now I'm reading about blood and murder and ginseng. The most unsettling smell is the ginseng because I was looking forward to the murder and blood. This is one hell of a way to set the scene, just throwing an entire potpourri mixture at someone and then three paragraphs later killing someone. Maybe it's the continued absurdity and humor that draws me to your pieces but who will really ever know.

This one brought up questions too.
Adriel shoved his hands in his pockets, pulling out a lighter and a pack. “Nothing here’s flammable, right?” He asked Pax, glancing about.

“Would be a little more proper to smoke outside,” He replied, frankly.

~I'm just guessing here, but legit everything in that store is flammable Adriel. Oh you dropped your match on the ground, crushed it with your heel, but there was a bit of oil on the floor. There go the curtains and the table, up in flames in smoke and lead to the Mrs. Li saying bastard under her breath. The possibilities here are endless and if Mrs. Li hadn't come out when she did, the whole place would have been burned down. Pax's reply is particularly humorous, like 'man you probably shouldn't smoke in here but I'm not going to fight you on it because I want to make it back home without getting killed.' And that is essentially the vibes I get from all of the characters.

Well someone actually made it here before me this time and Lauren has hit all of the nails on the head. I think I'm going to be heading out now and I'll see you later, alligator.
phpBB [media]


Love,
Lizz
Queen of Everything




Sujana says...


i did not make any of this clear

next time i'll just spell it out why am i so obtuse



CaptainJack says...


oh stfu
just tell me if you killed the father or not
so i can kill you or at least use my new acronym



Sujana says...


yes i killed the father

whats your new acronym



CaptainJack says...


oh my(holy fucking jesus christ almighty lord of fucking)god



Sujana says...


perfect



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Sun Mar 05, 2017 5:02 pm
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Lauren2010 wrote a review...



And here I am again!

What an...anticlimactic fight xD in a good way that is! I kind of love it when characters put up an astonishingly good beginning of a fight, and then fail in some spectacular fashion. So I am on board with the end of this scene. Though since (at least I think??) we have a perspective from Kale later on in his life, I know he isn't done for (at least not yet). So I'm excited to see what happens to him as he's fallen into the hands of the demons.

Presuming this is the end of this long scene, I'm not entirely sure we need to rotating perspectives. It seems like it would be much more effective to stage the entire fight from Kale's perspective, which really doesn't require much more than moving things around. If you combined the chapters where the demons arrive and the beginning of this chapter where they come into the shop and confirm he can talk to God. Then, make the whole fight from Kale's perspective.

The reason I think we ought to see the fight from Kale's perspective is that the demons already know what his divine abilities look and feel like (even if they didn't previously know how powerful he was). But Kale DOESN'T at this point know what it's like. Even considering this being told in retrospect, Kale can recount how it felt to experience these abilities for the first time. Plus, it's Kale's life that's in danger and having the fight from his perspective will really ramp up the tension.

Also, I've been thinking, if this is for some reason NOT retrospective as I've been assuming what happened to Mr. Haskell?

Otherwise, I'm still really enjoying this story. Watch your tenses, there were a few times when you switched from past tense to present tense and back again, but otherwise the language is super solid. It's a pleasure to read, and I can't wait to read more!

Keep writing!

--Lauren





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— Someone Incredibly Noncommittal