Young Writers Society

Hey! Just dropping a review. This story looked interesting, so let's see if I was right.

Haskell Wright studied the silver haired Asian man on his coach, gray eyes diligently taking in every jerk of life, every anxious tap of the fingers, every suspicious glance.

Haskell had known Mr. Nelly long before he could actually present himself. Or, as his late parents used to call him, Nei Li. No one could say what his first name was, mainly because no one cared to ask.

Needless to say, Mr. Nei Li was trouble in his own right. One could argue he resembled a damsel in a love triangle, or a catalyst in a chemical reaction; the trigger for any conflict between two forces, but never actually involved in it.

By himself, Nei Li was a thirty year old surgeon that could speak over five languages, possessed a PhD and a medical doctorate, but also owned the attention span of a child and the charisma of basalt.

Question was, then, what was the plague?

“Mr. Nelly?” He asked, calling him out again.

“Yes, I suppose so.” Haskell chuckled to himself. Only.

He said, dismissively.

“Not at all.” Nei confessed, sitting straight up. The bookcase in the corner seemed interesting to him, suddenly. “I can’t dislike someone I’ve never gotten to know. My father was my sole caretaker, back then—quiet, gentle, often concerned of my wellbeing. He was the only human being I ever talked to, up until preschool.”

“Human being?” He asked, curiously.

“Nelly. It’s Mr. Nelly. I didn’t care for my mother, but her names have always been a thorn in my side.” He claimed.

“It all started in the stars.”

Hey Sacredlege! Thanks for recommending your story to me, it's a really excellent start. I'm going to do my best to catch up, and continue to follow if you post any more parts so please keep me informed if you do!

The writing here is top-notch. You certainly have a strong grasp of language which is often one of the hardest steps in writing anything. I'm also super interested in these characters you've established here, and Mr. Nelly having a direct connection to God. That he's come to a psychiatrist because he lost his connection is so fascinating, as well. It sets him up as a unique character worth listening to, which is exactly what you want for the beginning of a story.

I think my biggest question here has to do with who is going to be the narrator and who is going to be the protagonist. It seems like Haskell will act as a listener-narrator while the story is about Mr. Nelly (a dynamic like Wuthering Heights?) which is a totally solid way to do it. I did lose track of Haskell a bit, though. Usually in this dynamic, we're granted access to the listener-narrator's internal narrative (thoughts, feelings, speculations, etc). This let's Haskell become a sort of stand-in for the reader, where he can ask the questions of Mr. Nelly and his story that the reader might ask, which is a great trick for helping the reader continue to buy-in to a story that could become outrageous or fantastic (as it seems this might!). Anyway, rambling aside, it seems like if Haskell is going to play this role throughout the story it might help us to get a stronger sense of him as a character up front. To establish that he'll be playing this role, and he will be our point-of-entry into Mr. Nelly's story.

All in all, you give us just the right amount of information about Mr. Nelly and his plight to reel the reader in. It definitely makes me want to keep reading! Great start here, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

Keep writing!

--Lauren

Hey, I'm here for a quick review! Your short stories are always superb, so I'm excited to see how you fare on novel.

I like the opening paragraph. It quickly sates my intrigue, setting up an interesting character like Mr. Nelly, and I like how you use the fantasy approach to it. Nailed it for a die-hard fantasy fan like me. You put this novel under 'spiritual, supernatural' though, so I'm interested to read how it fits the genres.

By himself, Nei Li was a thirty year old surgeon that could speak over five languages, possessed a PhD and a medical doctorate, but also owned the attention span of a child and the charisma of basalt.

Haskell dropped his notebook on his lap, tilting his head slightly to the left.

"She was my mother, but I wasn’t her son."

She was my mother, but I wasn’t her son--at least, that's how she sees it."

"He was the only human being I ever talked to, up until preschool.”

"They may be arachnids or cockroaches or in the form of starlight, but they were not imaginary.”

Hey there Ellstar. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick by parachute, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

It's been awhile since I reviewed any of your works but now I have four chapters to keep me occupied for awhile. So I started reading this when it was first published but I didn't get the chance to submit my review. That old review has been completely(well mostly) scrapped. It's not everyday I will completely rewrite a review.

You should know when I write reviews I make a lot of jokes and references to movies and such. Please call me out on anything you don't get. And my comments are going paragraph by paragraph this time.

Most people in his neighborhood call him ‘You-Know-Who’; St. Raphael, the hospital he currently works in, calls him ‘The Coincidence’; everyone whose ever reported a car exploding near him or pigs flying above his head refer to him as ‘Hexed’; but Haskell’s assistant found a more appropriate term to use the moment he accidentally turned his living room into a war zone with exploding sharpeners and arrow head pencils—‘The Herald Of Misfortune And Inevitable Doom’.

Needless to say, Mr. Nei Li was trouble in his own right. One could argue he resembled a damsel in a love triangle, or a catalyst in a chemical reaction; the trigger for any conflict between two forces, but never actually involved in it. By himself, Nei Li was a thirty year old surgeon that could speak over five languages, possessed a PhD and a medical doctorate, but also owned the attention span of a child and the charisma of basalt. He couldn’t hurt anything other than his pinkie toe when he bumps into tables. He was simply the Typhoid Mary of the epidemic. Question was, then, what was the plague?

Nei Li blinked, tossing his head to the side. A faint hint of shock appeared in his expression, then vanished. “Oh. It’s only you.”

“Yes, I suppose so.” Haskell chuckled to himself. Only. “Were you expecting someone else?”

“And no, I didn’t have imaginary friends. None of my friends were imaginary. They may be arachnids or cockroaches or in the form of starlight, but they were not imaginary.”

Haskell sighed, closing his notepad then tossing it onto the table beside his recliner. “Let’s start at the beginning, then. No notes, no interruptions, no talk of medicine.” He locked his hands in embrace, smiling. “Just you, me, and your autobiography.”

Nelly stared at the therapist for a moment, relaxing. He looked up at the ceiling, as if asking for permission from a man he knew wouldn’t reply. He unbuckled himself, then, and unwound.

“It all started in the stars.”

Hello, Ellstar. You requested a review from me a while ago. Let me first off apologize for the late review I have had eight review requests in the past few days. So, now that that's over with let's get into the review. This was very interesting. I almost feel like Nelly is imagining things myself since he has no proof but there are things that make me wonder if what is saying is true as well.

“Yes, I suppose so.” Haskell chuckled to himself. Only. “Were you expecting someone else?”

Nei Li blinked, tossing his head to the side. A faint hint of shock appeared in his expression, then vanished. “Oh. It’s only you.”

“Not at all.” Nei confessed, sitting straight up.

“Nelly. It’s Mr. Nelly. I didn’t care for my mother, but her names have always been a thorn in my side.”

Nei Li scrunched his face in frustration, and inwardly groaned. “I know who you’re talking about, Dr. Wright,” He butted in, stopping him at the right time. “And no, He’s not imaginary. He’s real, He’s here, and He’s the kindest, most irritating individual I have ever encountered in my life.”

“It all started in the stars.”

Ooh, this has a very interesting start!

Li seems to have a very interesting mind - crazy or not, due to his circumstances - so I'm actually already curious as to where this'll go.
I also enjoy Haskell because he seems rather open-minded for a shrink... even though he's probably enabling Li just to get more info on his "insanity". Maybe he'll change as this goes along.

On the technical side of things, I think you tend to overuse semi-colons a lot. They're not the same as proper periods.

Most people in his neighborhood call him ‘You-Know-Who’; St. Raphael, the hospital he currently works in, calls him ‘The Coincidence’; everyone whose ever reported a car exploding near him or pigs flying above his head refer to him as ‘Hexed’; but Haskell’s assistant found a more appropriate term to use the moment he accidentally turned his living room into a war zone with exploding sharpeners and arrow head pencils—‘The Herald Of Misfortune And Inevitable Doom’.

"He opened his arms awkwardly, sucking his lips in an awkward smile. “Look at me now.”

Dang dude! You can write! I got lost in the story before I even got half-way in, but I did notice a couple of inconsistencies. It seemed kind of rushed to me also, like it was half-done. I understand this is chapter 1, but even with that knowledge it felt just a bit rushed. Other that that, perfecto!

8/10
-SD8

Alright well I should start off by saying wow. There have been very few pieces I have read and actually enjoyed on this site. But this was amazing I was sucked in entranced, if there would have been more to read I probably wouldn't have stopped. The way the main character thought, the way you described him leaning back staring at the dust in the air was really well written.
If there is anymore to this story pm me I would love to keep reading. keep up the wonderful work (;